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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To work evenings...

19 replies

Iamuser1976 · 06/12/2021 20:00

Looking for some more objective views on my situation as currently can't see the wood for the trees!

DH works full time mostly from home in well paid job. Finishes about 5.30/6 so not long hours but he finds it stressful and not good at saying no to people. Our dd is nearly 2. I've been working 2 evenings a week for the last few months- job is low paid but it's part of a career change for me so the 1st step on a ladder and I was delighted to get. DH now says out of the blue that he can't cope with childcare for 2 evenings a week (sometimes it's just 1 as I work over weekend too) and that I need to leave. He says he cant get urgent work done if looking after dd from 5 and I need to do it.

I am furious and don't know how to move on from this. I don't want to be a sahm. He likes the extra income and wants me to work too but not this job. I however feel that whatever I do he won't be satisfied - can see myself leaving to do a daytime job and still being expected to be in charge of all the childcare and make all the sacrifices simply because my job is low paid and I am a woman. I love my dd and want to spend time with her but I also want to be treated fairly and to progress in a career - I don't think 2 evenings a week where I do the bulk of the childcare is unreasonable in the slightest??

Sorry if doesn't make sense. Feel so upset and stressed by this my head is all over the place and no idea what to do for best.

OP posts:
Kite22 · 06/12/2021 22:36

Of course YANBU.
He is a parent as much as you are, and needs to put boundaries in place in terms of working those extra hours.
Obviously not knowing what he does, whether this is time management, or just being clearer on boundaries it is difficult to say, but it doesn't sound like he is going to be half way through CPR and having to stop work, it sounds like it is work he could pick up later (after she is asleep) or by leaving it to the next day.

Devon1987 · 06/12/2021 22:50

You didn’t climb on to of yourself and get pregnant. He needs to pull his weight and parent his child.
I would be telling him to fuck right off.
How he manages his work load is his problem. He should be doing two nights minimum. What’s next you can’t go out with friends because he is refusing to parent his child and do childcare.
You are not the nanny, your the mother. He needs to step up. If his work load is too high he needs to speak to his boss and not be a wet lettuce.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 06/12/2021 22:52

Why have you started another thread? Your other one has a good number of replies.

R0tational · 06/12/2021 22:53

Make your decisions based on what would happen should you separate in 5 yrs. Where do you need and want to be with your career. Where will he be?

Original poster
Iamuser1976 · 07/12/2021 01:04

Thank you so much for the replies. @R0tational I need this job as a stepping stone plus I love it. It is low paid but should set me on the right track for my dream job in 5 years time - it is important to me but I feel like it's treated as not so because it doesn't pay the mortgage.

@Devon1987 totally agree - he is so belligerent tho I know he won't see from my pov

@Kite22 a mixture of both I think plus prioritising job over homelife

OP posts:
Original poster
Iamuser1976 · 07/12/2021 01:05

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz thanks I started this 1st then realised should have put in relationships. Will get deleted tomorrow

OP posts:
sst1234 · 07/12/2021 01:11

Absolutely do not give up your job. Too many threads here where women give up their independence to facilitate their husband’s career and losing their financial independence. Ask him to contribute to childcare fees and that way he doesn’t have to look after the child while you are working.

R0tational · 07/12/2021 07:16

With my ex, I put my career on hold (because I was young and stupid) and now we are divorved. He has a high flying career and I ... dont. He needs to suck it up. You need to maintain some independence and financial security so he needs to deal with it. You aren't off for a jolly! I bet you would have supported him if thr roles were reversed.

Sorrry, OP, I had a similar scenario so all the anger is spilling out Sad

grapewine · 07/12/2021 07:24

Don't give up the job.

All these men that "can't cope" with looking after their own children. It's honestly pathetic.

MeltedButter · 07/12/2021 07:27

I started out doing 3 evenings a week. My husband found it stressful but he managed it. It actually felt much more balanced doing it like that as if he didn't "need" to do the bedtime routine he probably wouldn't have.

HalfWomanHalfMincePie · 07/12/2021 07:35

He doesn't have to do childcare two evenings a week because you are working - and needs to stop thinking like that just because it's convenient ti blame you.

He needs to do childcare two evenings a week because he had a child.

Don't give up your job. He needs to be responsible for the child he helped create. Not just be a side player. It'll do them both good (and you) for you to stick to your guns.

NotMyselfWithoutCoffee · 07/12/2021 07:43

Keep the job it's important to have a career this day and age, especially for references.
You don't want to be in a situation 3-5 years time where you want to return to work and can't get a job because of lack of employment history.

Namenic · 07/12/2021 07:46

He can sort out a childminder if he is unable to look after her during that time. You do the majority of looking after. He needs to step up.

girlmom21 · 07/12/2021 07:51

Don't quit. He is a parent too. Like you say, if you're working in the daytimes, you'll be doing all of the childcare too.

He needs to learn to manage his workload better.

One or two days a week really is not much at all...

CasperGutman · 07/12/2021 08:11

Given that his job is full time and better paid, he may feel like you as a couple should prioritise his work over yours. But this isn't the choice you're making here. This is a choice between you having a job and him having more free time in the evening. He's trying to muddy the waters by suggesting he needs free time so that he can sometimes do extra out-of-hours work during at least part of it, but that's a red herring.

If you wanted time to yourself during the daytime, when he is working, would he give up his job so you could have it? Or would he expect you to either sort out childcare or provide it yourself? Similarly, if he wants free time in the evenings he'll have to sort out childcare.

Namenic · 07/12/2021 13:34

PS - when I was working part time shift work with antisocial hours DH sorted out all childcare and took childcare days when child was ill. He earned more than double my salary. What you are asking for is a fraction of that.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 07/12/2021 14:15

Yes, it’s very tiring to do a full time job and then have to do evening routine too, when all you want is downtime

Yes, parents up and down the countries- especially women who are WOHM - have to do it day in, daynout. Your DH is not special!

I’d love to be able to say what you’re DH has just said to someone, or rather would have done when mine were littler. 5/6 pm clock off time and have the evening to yourself- yes please!

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 07/12/2021 14:16

In other words he’s being a selfish, self important dick, OP

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 07/12/2021 14:16

Your DH, not you’re

I’m single is why I can’t say that ever - didn’t make that clear!

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