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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say I don't want a party?

31 replies

nopartyforme · 06/12/2021 15:23

I'm 50 next year.

When I was younger I always had big parties but the last 'good' one I had was in my 20s, pre children. I threw a party for my 40th but it was a real damp squib, I made loads of effort, got invites printed, arranged food, drink, decorations and invited 80 odd people (including a lot of extended family. Only about 20-25 turned up in total including children, none of my relatives and only 2 close friends. In the end it was a nice enough night, but not the evening I thought I was going to have. Thankfully I'd not hired a hall or anything which would have been hideously embarrassing. I just remember feeling really disappointed.

So now it's nearly 10 years on and DP (we met a year after my 40th, so he wasn't witness to that disaster) asked if I'd like a party for my 50th. He'd happily arrange it all, invite anyone that I want there, do the food, etc.

But at the risk of seemingly completely ungrateful I really don't think I do want a party, it feels like it will just be as bad as last time if not worse. There's frankly even less chance of people turning up than 10 years ago as I've not been great at keeping in touch especially since Covid. I'd love to have a massive party like I used to in my 20s but I know it won't happen - put simply I don't know enough people any more, DP doesn't really have any friends so it's not like he has loads of people to invite to swell numbers either.

SO YABU - have the party even if it's only for a small number
YANBU - don't do it and find another way to celebrate instead

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 06/12/2021 15:24

Yanbu

Do a trip somewhere lovely instead with your dp

Chamomileteaplease · 06/12/2021 15:26

YANBU. There's no law to say you have to have a party for your 50th Smile.

Think of another way to celebrate which you will actually enjoy and can look forward to Smile.

Libertaire · 06/12/2021 15:29

YANBU.

I had a lovely weekend away with DP including dinner at a Michelin starred restaurant for my 50th. Much better than a party!

mbosnz · 06/12/2021 15:29

YANBU. I'm turning 50 in a few short days. I'm not a party person. Last big party I had was in my mid-20's, and it was a blast - a big kids party at our then house by the beach.

But now - too much like hard work, and I accept that I am no social butterfly, and particularly at his time of the year!

We're just going to have a nice meal and wine, and that's all I really want, just like usual.

Sally872 · 06/12/2021 15:31

Not rude to say no thank you to party for any reason.

I think a small party could he lovely though, I think 40th was disappointing as you planned a bigger party. But do what suits you best I am sure dh wants you to have a nice time however it happens.

ChangeChingyChange · 06/12/2021 15:31

I cant bear parties. My last party was my 18th and it was a massive affair and I had a great time but having been with DH since I was 19 I've always favoured trips away or family gatherings etc over parties since then. YANBU.

Obsidiansphere · 06/12/2021 15:34

Yanbu…the older I get the more parties seem over rated!

TheYearOfSmallThings · 06/12/2021 15:37

YANBU.

When I turned 40 I felt like I HAD to throw a party, so I did, and yes it was good...in the end. But the stress and anxiety leading up to it meant I could really only enjoy it when it was almost over and it was too late for anything to go wrong (and by the way I was never aiming for 80, it was about the size of yours OP). I swore not to do it again when I turn 50, and I hope I have the sense to stick to that.

Do whatever you will look forward to, anticipate with pleasure, and enjoy on the day. It shouldn't feel like a hurdle.

Original poster
nopartyforme · 06/12/2021 15:39

I don't have any immediate family now other than my DC, I know extended family won't come (again) so there's no point in inviting them. I'd love a party where friends I've not seen for years turned up, but I know they won't. I've seen a few other people's big 50th celebrations recently and I'd love something like that but it won't happen.

Not sure what I'd want to do instead that is special enough.

OP posts:
CrimbleCrumble1 · 06/12/2021 15:42

I has a smallish party for my 40th (25 people in a room in a pub with catering and a free bar) and then a slightly smaller one for my 50th (16 people in my house with catering done and lots of mad dancing). Both parties were 10/10 so if you was to have a party then go for a small one.
I also went on a holiday on for my big birthdays and that was fab too, would that be an option? Or a weekend away in the UK?
Loads of people I know don’t have a party for big birthdays but have a night in a hotel or an afternoon tea with a few girlfriends. So of course it’s fine to say you don’t want a party, it’s your birthday so do something you’d look forward to and enjoy.

Suzanne999 · 06/12/2021 15:48

Yanbu. Spend the time with your partner, posh hotel in UK, somewhere abroad, on a mountain top or scuba diving —- whatever you want to do,
Frankly, parties are my idea of hell, and one where I’d be the center of attention. ……….Noooooooooooooo.

PinkAndPurpleClouds · 06/12/2021 16:02

@nopartyforme

Nope. I would never have a birthday party. Not now. They're for people 21 and under IMO.

I did loads some years ago for the kids, (around 20 in 10-12 years,) and 75-85% of invited children turned up, which was good - and I had one for my 21st birthday party. 35 out of 45 turned up which was OK ...

However, I had a party for my 40th, (at my house, did it all myself, got loads of booze and food,) and invited around 40-42 people and only 15 turned up.

I was so upset, and could not be arsed to even give the time of day to any of the people who didn't come. Not ONE of them said they weren't coming, and most of them never apologised. I have never had another 'party' since. I (and DH ) spend the money on holidays/ daytrips, and theatre trips and concerts etc etc, and just go out with the kids, or 3 or friends...

Only 20 people turning up out of 80 (for your 40th!) is shocking. YANBU to not want to bother. Happy birthday anyway! Flowers

Original poster
nopartyforme · 06/12/2021 16:33

A lot of the people who didn't turn up to my 40th didn't even say they weren't coming. 4 of the people who did come along I didn't even know that well so was actually quite touched they came, but just felt like an idiot. Most people's reasons - given after the event- for not coming was they couldn't get here. I live in London, on a bus route, train station is a 10 min walk. What they really meant was it was 30+ mins by car so a taxi would have been too expensive and they wanted to drink, so driving or bus/train wasn't an option. Almost all the people who did turn up lived within 3 miles, or had a non drinking spouse/ partner with them.

I found one of the printed invites from it the other week, honestly made me feel ill. Such a waste of time and money!

OP posts:
GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 06/12/2021 16:37

Have a fantastic dinner out, or a trip, with your DP instead.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 06/12/2021 16:38

I have found that throwing really big parties was part of my “people pleasing” former personality that I like to leave behind

PooWillyNameChange · 06/12/2021 16:40

Oh bless you, I've always been too afraid of parties for the same reason!

If money allows what about a weekend trip somewhere posh?

StrychnineInTheSandwiches · 06/12/2021 16:40

Nothing wrong with people liking a big bash at any age, but also nothing wrong with not wanting one either. I'd rather spend the money on a weekend away, a gig, or a really fancy restaurant.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 06/12/2021 18:34

I'd love a party where friends I've not seen for years turned up, but I know they won't.

But...in fairness, if you haven't seen them for years, presumably they either live abroad or you haven't been bothered to see each other for years?

Original poster
nopartyforme · 06/12/2021 18:53

I guess the difference is for me, if for instance a uni friend I've not seen for a long time messaged and said 'I'm having a party for my 50th, please come' I'd think how lovely and provided I was free that day and assuming they weren't living ridiculously far away (anything up to about 300 miles) I'd do my best to attend. Whereas given the lack of people at my 40th, it seems unlikely the reverse is true. I'd rather not put myself through that rejection again.

I don't know what I want to do instead really. I have a few months to think about it at least.

OP posts:
CrimbleCrumble1 · 06/12/2021 18:57

Do you have a small group of friends you could do a small social activity such as a meal/afternoon tea with and go away with your DP for a night/weekend somewhere special?
Have you been invited to many friends’ and relatives’ 40th and 50ths?

Holothane · 06/12/2021 18:59

Stick to your guns don’t have a party do what you want to do.

Original poster
nopartyforme · 06/12/2021 19:06

it's a good point about other people, my local friends are mostly a couple of years older than me, their 50ths all got ruined by Covid, one did hold a belated meal earlier this year. A few family members have had 40ths in recent years that I attended (despite them not coming to mine!) My school/ college/uni friends are all 50 in the coming year, I've not heard of any parties etc, I know one of them is planning a long weekend just with her DP and their families at Center Parcs in the New year as her celebration.

OP posts:
Madcats · 06/12/2021 19:08

If you are a foodie, could you do a Chef's table with a few friends?

I'm an introvert, and DH is 362 days older than me, so we've splurged on mini breaks for his decades and my '9s

GroggyLegs · 06/12/2021 19:10

I'd go for quality friends over numbers.

How many people can you reasonably rely on to celebrate with you? Maybe then we could give some good ideas for party alternatives?

Original poster
nopartyforme · 06/12/2021 19:23

The sad thing is I don't know who I could rely on, what an admission of how friendless I am.

I have 3 friends (plus partners) I've known for over 30 years, I could probably rely on them, or certainly 2 of them. 1 is quite flaky. However 1 of the other 2 is also quite hard work and her DP even more so, I wouldn't really want them in a group of less than 20 but I either have to invite all the 3 or none of them.

I have about 4-5 local friends plus spouses who probably would come to something if they are free (they have much more active social lives than me so are booked months in advance), and another couple of single friends who I think would try to come along.

Then there's about another 5 who probably couldn't come because of distance (2 do actually live 200ish miles away) or lack of childcare as they are younger than me and have DC under 5.

So it could be as few as 4, or as many as 20 (but probably more like 10-12 at most)

OP posts: