Nearly 3 year old still doesn’t like nursery

[Cookiecrumblepie]

AIBU in thinking this is normal? My nearly 3 year old still cries and doesn’t want to go into nursery. Not every day but Mondays and some days when I drop her. I thought she would have settled by now? Is this normal? Or is this a sign that the nursery isn’t a good fit for her?

How long has she been going?

How long has she been going, how many sessions does she do? How do you react when she cries, what do you say/do? Has she had a consistent key worker and formed a bond with them?

She’s been going about 8 months, four days a week, 8.30- 4-15.

She has a key worker, seems to have bonded okay, however it’s not always the key worker at the door, it’s usually another person and the key worker (teacher) is in their classroom.

I usually just say ‘bye’ and leave swiftly when she cries. It’s better with her dad, but still I can’t help but think she should be settled by now.

Absolutely normal, unfortunately. Especially if she's been going for less than 6 months.

My youngest had a childminder he adored but every time he cried when I dropped him off, and he saw her for nearly 2 years! I know he was fine because he would come home and tell me all about the things they'd done.

In my experience it was normal. Neither of my children were like ones I always hear about who can't wait to go in or ask to go in on their days off and cry leaving. They aren't that loud and boisterous that they need structured activities or to constantly be in the company of other children etc, their personalities mean they are happy playing by themselves as well which they dont get at childcare as much

They were ok when they were there, but they would always have rather been at home. Which is ok I think, unless they are really distressed - I enjoy my job, but i prefer weekends, and I liked schools but I preferred school holidays. I think at that age, they can't really rationalise it or verbalize it. My youngest who is a year older than yours still doesn't want to go to wraparound but I have a peep in the window when I get there and they are playing happily, interacting with other kids, joining in etc and not sitting in a corner crying or anything.

I always found it worse when they were tired, ill with a cold or anything or had had significant time off like for a holiday.

I think if they are not overly distressed (more grumbling than really genuinely upset) and are fine when they're there then that's ok.

8 months is a long time for her to still be upset IMO. I think it's a really long day for a not yet 3 year old, longer even than a school day. Some will cope fine if they're very social but my son would have been miserable going for that long at that age. Do you need her to be there all day for work? If not I'd cut it down to half days, you might find she copes much better with that. If you can't reduce the hours then maybe look around for a different place that might suit her better.

What you do is up to you but one of my greatest regrets is not having taken my ds2 out of preschool when he was unhappy there. He never really settled, just got used to being unhappy. It was a nice preschool - my eldest had loved it - but it wasnt for ds2. I really wish I'd ignored all the people telling me how important it was that he attended, how it just took time etc and followed my instincts.

Some children are better suited to a childminder. My eldest was.

I can’t reduce her hours because I have to work unfortunately but will consider a childminder. She is happy during the day and her teacher says she is fine. Hard to know whether to move her as it’s so difficult to get a nursery place as well, I’m concerned if I move her it might not be better. Thanks for the advice everyone has given me something to think about!

My son makes a fuss sometimes. Then as I walk off, I'll spy him inside trotting off with one of his pals to make some mischieve. For us, it's about missing home as opposed to not liking nursery. In that moment of drop off, he's not thinking about the fun inside, he's thinking how much he loves his mum / dad.

Is she happy when you pick her up? Does it seem like she's enjoyed herself?

@Porcupineintherough

What you do is up to you but one of my greatest regrets is not having taken my ds2 out of preschool when he was unhappy there. He never really settled, just got used to being unhappy. It was a nice preschool - my eldest had loved it - but it wasnt for ds2. I really wish I'd ignored all the people telling me how important it was that he attended, how it just took time etc and followed my instincts.

I agree with this. All children are different and you know your child best. Do you get photos from nursery? Is she actively engaged and happy? Does she talk about it unprompted? If yes, she may just find the transition of the handover difficult to manage.

If she’s happy when there what makes you think she hasn’t ‘settled’? Are nursery saying she’s miserable and crying all day? Or just a few tears when you leave??
Is she easily distracted and fine and happy five minutes after you’ve left or does she spend hours trailing around sobbing throughout the day?
If she needs to be in childcare then I would think Carefully before trying to move her and staring all over again, settling somewhere new.
If she’s 3 will she not be moving to school in September?

She’s generally okay once she’s in but nursery has said they need a photo of me because she was upset all morning. She will be transitioning to full time once she’s 3 and then school when she’s 4. That was my plan anyway, assuming she was happy at nursery.

It’s a difficult decision because she has learnt a lot at nursery and I need to work. Just think it’s been so long she should be happy to go in!

Needing a photo of you because she’s been upset all morning is different from fussing about going in. 8 months on, and you’re then going to add an extra day to her already long week despite the fact she’s crying about going? I agree about her not being able to look ahead at the fun bit when she’s getting ready to go, hence the tears. But a nursery is relentlessly busy and relentlessly noisy and this may not suit her personality. A childminder may be the more homely alternative that suits her and makes her happier. She’ll still be getting learning opportunities, they’re not confined to nursery!

It must be very tough, you love her and this must be tearing you apart. Like you say, you have to work but you want her to be happy

It is difficult. I was planning to send her full time because then I get a reduction in nursery fees. I could reduce my working hours but that would really impact our living situation.

I see a range at my nursery. I’ve got one of the children that generally toddles in happily but there are others that always scream at drop-off but are then happy a few minutes later. You have to try and get an idea of whether you have a child that enjoys it once you’ve gone or whether they genuinely don’t get on well in the setting.

I know a little boy who wasn’t particularly happy in nursery and didn’t end up going back after lockdown. A few years later he isn’t really happy at parties and doesn’t like separating from his mum. Poor little lad screamed for 3 weeks solid at drop-off in reception and often had to be carried in. some children just don’t suit the environment of nursery/schools but there aren’t really many alternatives if you need to work/don’t want to home school.

I personally would change setting. I have two fairly shy kids that take ages to settle but at a childminder they have both been going happily within 6 months (the eldest within 3) and they were at the worst attachment anxiety phase.
My eldest used to skip in very happily by age 2.
I think if a nearly 3 year old is crying it means they're not happy there and it's worth trying something else, at that age they should be excited. Personally think a lot of nurseries suit more extrovert personalities whereas a home from from home environment can be better. Having said that I remember trying a lovely preschool and the owner said none of the children cry at drop off, I could see why, the place was amazing. I would definitely have taken my 3 year old there if the hours were better.