to wonder whether anyone else feels functionally dysfunctional?

[generaljake]

AIBU to ask whether anyone else feels like this? On the outside, my life seems fairly functional, even "successful" (whatever that means). I have a lovely husband and a happy marriage, two kids I adore, and an OK job which I like (but find stressful). On the inside, I'm a mess. Every day, I struggle with a pervasive sense of fear and a very deep sense of unworthiness. Fundamentally, I feel like a total failure. I'm in my late forties now, and I have felt this way as long as I can remember. If I can attribute it to anything, it probably relates to not feeling good enough as a child. It's exhausting and I'm fed up but I have no idea how to change. I've tried a bit of therapy, which didn't really help. Anyone else experience this? AIBU to ask how you manage if so?

I can fully fully relate to this.

I'm seen to be very good at my job and really enjoy, have managed to leave a long abusive relationship, and appear to have things under control. Have savings no debt etc. Good health.

Early 40s.

Inside, I never feel like a grown up, been struggling with a tech addiction for the last few years, struggling with teen child, struggling to keep up with the housework, just struggling generally. I definitely didn't feel good enough growing up, my parents favoured my older siblings. Black sheep of the family.

This all resonates with me. I think I have imposter syndrome on a huge scale, which pervades all areas of my life! Never feel confident that I can do anything which is going to be judged, whether by employers, friends, or family, even things which I have successfully managed before. Also don’t feel ‘grown-up’, despite having 3 adult children. If only they knew! I think I manage by living with a moderate level of anxiety, which is almost second nature to me now, as I was an anxious child. It can be exhausting, though, putting on an ‘adult’ confident persona which you’re not remotely feeling.

Yep fully identify with this. I have enough successes that noone sees that I've not actually achieved my potential. Good marriage and career (although I don't enjoy my job), great friends and family. Nice home although not as clean as it should be. Excellent cats.

Got unhealthy coping mechanisms (drink a little too much and browse on the Internet just to numb my general thoughts of inadequacy. I find playing spider solitaire and hearts very soothing when I'm feeling super low.

I've always struggled with depression and anxiety though, I guess for me now this is more or the same without actually being 100% depressed just mostly apathetic about life.

Not just me then! That is a small comfort but I wish we didn't feel like this. I agree @hunkypunk, I think I have learnt to live with this feeling but I can't imagine the relief I would feel if I just felt OK.

I was just thinking some more about this. I think in my narrow view I imagine that everybody feels like this. I find it astonishing that there are people ... who don't? I'd love to hear from them too!

I can completely relate to this, although I’m not sure that I’d even pass as functional.

What’s helped me a lot is using positive affirmations every day...I read somewhere that at least 80% of the thoughts that go round your head will be negative ones. That’s a normal survival mechanism. Your brain is basically always looking for things that are wrong, or that could be going wrong.

You can counterbalance that by spending a few minutes each day repeating something in your head that’s positive and means something to you. So I now start every day by calmly telling myself that “I am capable and I am enough” because those are the things I struggle to believe most.

I was SO sceptical when I started, but after a few months I’ve found that whenever negative thoughts about my abilities prop up, my subconscious almost instantly kicks in and goes “well none of that is true, remember you are very capable, you muppet!”

Like I said, I was sceptical but honestly give it a try! I also keep a journal, which is good for going over those negative thoughts, making sense of them and challenging them. I use one of these wellness journals. They’re a bit pricey, but would perhaps make a lovely x-mas present... I really like the way they’ve laid out the pages, so it never feels too overwhelming to fill them in.

www.papier.com/stationery/notebooks/wellness-journals/?gclid=Cj0KCQiAzMGNBhCyARIsANpUkzMl7P9shCJBu7cH1WSgEhxTExpcN_wxm3fvlGPCpNNgm1HboaQTT8QaAmAKEALw_wcB

Those journals look great @Crazzzycat but expensive! I’m going to see if I can find one cheaper as I can relate to this @generaljake

Read this!
www.goodreads.com/en/book/show/43866.Reinventing_Your_Life

I feel like you but its unfortunately how I got wired as a child I try to be kind to myself when I catch my bad inner critic

@AdamRyan

Read this! www.goodreads.com/en/book/show/43866.Reinventing_Your_Life

I feel like you but its unfortunately how I got wired as a child I try to be kind to myself when I catch my bad inner critic

Thank you so much for that book suggestion.

I have always felt like this. Turns out I have ADHD, was only diagnosed this year. Maybe worth looking in to?

I read somewhere that it's Meta-Imposter Syndrome. Not like those other people who say they have Imposter Syndrome but are actually doing really well. In other words, what the world sees and what we feel can be very different indeed.

That's when I remember my dad telling me about the moment of revelation that enabled his career to really fly: everyone else is winging it, too.

Hi all, thanks so much for responding. And thanks for the reading recommendations and the point about affirmations. I should try that.

There are two things I think I know. One is that these feelings might stem in part from having a (step-)Dad who I desperately wanted to impress but never quite could (and I think I was scared that if I couldn't impress him, he would leave). I think I continue to look for that missing validation in my life now (not from relationships - much more via work weirdly) but can never quite get it. I am also doing something terrifying (for me) at the moment - I have written a book which will be published next year. My terror at the response to the book is really fuelling my inner critic (and causing me to procrastinate on finishing the book!) and I just don't know how to shut it off.

Anyway, does anyone else have times when their inner critic is more manageable and others when it feels totally out of control? I am at the latter point right now! It is so exhausting and debilitating. And - another question - has anyone found therapy useful? I am unsure but perhaps that is also Unreasonable.

I've had therapy from clinical psychologists on two occasions and both times it's been invaluable (that's where I got the book rec from).
I think its more likely you'll get effective care from a psychologist because the training and professional certification is more rigorous but there are some excellent counsellors too.
If you are working your employer may have some kind of employee assistance service that could help?

CBT also really helped me and you can access that via the NHS

Thanks @adamryan. I have ordered that book. I think I might also try therapy again, and it's helpful to have that advice on the psychologist rather counsellor.