Scarred by my previous workplace

[pcofmushu]

Shamelessly posting for traffic.

3 years ago my employer was toxic. Micro-managers, borderline emotionally abusive. I had a gross misconduct allegation thrown against me which was found to be totally untrue and I was exonerated, but only after a 8 month investigation which was the most stressful, horrific and undignifying experience.

Once I was acquitted I moved to another job - very small admin role, nothing like the level I was used to working at but it offered everything I needed; kindness and security in the workplace.

I have moved back into the field I was in (different employer) but I still absolutely collapse whenever a manager calls me for a meeting, whenever I have an email from somebody senior, it all takes me back to the awful days and I worry that I will never get better.

I remind myself that I was totally exonerated, and that I was never the problem, but I cannot shift these anxieties. It gets to the point where I cry and sweat and need to take myself away from the laptop before I can even open the email/call the member of staff back etc.

It is horrific and I hate it :( Will this ever get better? What can I do to help myself?

I should add I've had counselling which I felt worked at the time. I have weeks of feeling confident and strong and then all of a sudden I am back to square one again.

I don't want to throw "PTSD" around lightly but I'm wondering if this could be it?

Thanks in advance x

I totally relate to everything you're saying, your situation is identical to mine. I am 6 months into a new job with an amazing manager and team, I still have massive anxiety about getting things wrong and getting into trouble. What has worked for me is being honest with my manager that I need a bit of reassurance now and again and that time really is a healer. I moved within the same organisation and my previous manager's reputation is well known so I was given a lot of sympathy! If you want to chat further do dm me.

Also, I had 2 or 3 panic attacks in my old role and I genuinely thought I was going to die during the last one. I never ever want to feel like that again and that's something that's keeping me going.

OP go to gp. I found cbt incredibly helpful in similar situation. I also took medication

You need more help with this definitely, eventually it will get better even if it never goes away.

How long have you been in the new role?

The brain learns instantly when something in our environment is a threat/danger to us. It takes much longer to re-learn that same thing is now safe.

Repeated exposure - whilst reassuring yourself and receiving positive responses showing things are different - will help your brain learn that the threat has passed and you are now safe in this environment and situation.

Grounding yourself - bringing yourself back to the present moment not your past memories - is important. Tell yourself "I am safe now" .

Self-soothing - slowing down your breathing, using any relaxation exercises you learnt.

Safety - finding things that make you feel safe, paying attention to how safe your new place is, maybe having a mental safe place you can visit in moments of stress.

Those are the things that will help you support your brain and yourself while it is re-learning that things have changed.

Oh, it might not be PTSD (although it could happen from the situation you describe so there would be no shame in that).

However it definitely does sound like a post-traumatic stress response, which is normal and usually naturally resolves.

If it doesn't improve in 3-6 months or gets worse (or the strategies aren't enough to manage it) then don't feel ashamed to seek further support.

Thank you all for your result helpful responses, and for assuring me that it is OK for things like this to take time.

I think I will talk to my GP - they were really supportive and helpful when I was going through this back then. I'm doing everything in my power to try and get better from this (counselling, healthy lifestyle, talking etc) but clearly I just need a little bit more help somehow. It isn't fun feeling like this and I wish it never happened to me. But they say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger 💖

@FasterthanBolt

I totally relate to everything you're saying, your situation is identical to mine. I am 6 months into a new job with an amazing manager and team, I still have massive anxiety about getting things wrong and getting into trouble. What has worked for me is being honest with my manager that I need a bit of reassurance now and again and that time really is a healer. I moved within the same organisation and my previous manager's reputation is well known so I was given a lot of sympathy! If you want to chat further do dm me.

Thank you so much I have DMd you xx

It might be worth speaking to your manager and asking if, while you are working on how you react, they could preface emails/requests for meetings with a short assurance "nothing bad, just want to look over those figures with you" sort of thing.

It is completely understandable and you should be proud of yourself for getting through. You should ask for help, and CBT or another therapy will help.

Good luck.

Has anyone suggested EMDR? I believe this may help if you have a specific trigger that recalls a previous traumatic event. www.nhs.uk/mental-health/conditions/post-traumatic-stress-disorder-ptsd/treatment/

No me but my partner had a similar experience.

He has been open with his new manager and explained how it affected him. His new manager the other day asked how’s he feeling, any migraines (this was a trigger before) anything he needs to do to support him with. If you have a great manager now I would let them know your triggers and how it affects you. They should then accommodate this, if a phone call is a trigger or being pulled into an office. You could suggest that they message you first on teams or something, say they want to chat about xx and it’s nothing to worry about.

It’s a hard one to get over but time definitely helps and having a lovely manager.

Hi OP, I get you. Similar happened to me. Just know that over time it does get better. I've regained most of my confidence a year down the line. Counselling helped for me and also reading up on CPTSD.