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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Free childcare

26 replies

Frenchcroissant · 05/12/2021 22:33

I've find myself in this situation, a good friend of mine had a baby in the summer and having coffee one morning as we usually do I offer myself to look after her baby when she returns to work. I have one day off a week, this is the day I offered. Might have been looking at her beautiful newborn that did it obviously, but as the time approach I'm feeling overwhelmed by it, but obviously my friend it's counting on me... What do I do? Aibu having seconds thoughts about it?

OP posts:
Notimeforaname · 05/12/2021 22:36

You have to tell her. She needs to find an alternative or at least know your worries.

You can compromise and tell her you can look after the baby until she can find an alternative solution

Justmuddlingalong · 05/12/2021 22:36

You can obviously change your mind, but let her know straight away as she'll need to make alternative plans.

Original poster
Frenchcroissant · 05/12/2021 22:39

But that's the thing, the baby is going to nursery when she returns to work, I offered to help her with the cost of childcare as I know expensive it is. But it won't be a sleeping Newborn anymore, it will be a 10 month old... I'm just so used to having my day off for peace and quiet and can't understand what I was thinking when I offered.... How do I tell her now that I changed my mind without ruining our friendship?

OP posts:
Bananarama21 · 05/12/2021 22:42

Why are you offering yo help pay for childcare thats very odd for a friend to do.

Viviennemary · 05/12/2021 22:42

YABU in that you offered without thinking it through. Its a bit late now and you will have to keep to your promise until she finds alternative childcare. How unreliable some folk are.

Justmuddlingalong · 05/12/2021 22:42

Just be honest and tell her what you've said here. A good friend will understand and realise that giving up your day off was a big commitment to make.

AnneLovesGilbert · 05/12/2021 22:42

Jeez OP, what were you thinking?! As clear as possible, as quickly as possible and just come out with it I think. But it might alter the friendship and you’ll just have to wait and see.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 05/12/2021 22:43

I think you just say it. Asap so she can plan ahead.

"Friend, I've been thinking and I am going to have to go back on my childcare offer. I didnt fully appreciate how much I rely on that day off every week, and I cant make a permanent arrangement with you that means I no longer have that day. I'm still available for some ad hoc babysitting every now and again if you have a date night or whatever, but I've realised I cannot fully commit to a permanent weekly arrangement. I hope I've given you enough notice to make alternative arrangements "

DockOTheBay · 05/12/2021 22:45

YANBU to change your mind but YABU to wait 10 months to tell her. Tell her as soon as you can and offer to bridge the gap while she finds an alternative.

Original poster
Frenchcroissant · 05/12/2021 22:46

Well she was telling me about her money worries and about putting her baby to nursery full time etc, I had the baby on my arms sleeping and it just came out. Just like that. What an idiot... You are all right of course, but I can't bring myself to tell her, I know it will affect our friendship....

OP posts:
londonrach · 05/12/2021 22:47

Tell her op asap. You dont have to do childcare and no idea why you offered to pay for childcare. However it's vvv unfair of you if you don't tell her now you not doing childcare.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 05/12/2021 22:47

Well, to be fair, it's not like your promise was before babies and she had one banking on reduced childcare costs. She will have had to have had a plan for this in mind.

Has she mentioned it since that conversation? Have you been worrying about it since then?

pumpkinpie01 · 05/12/2021 22:50

Do you offered to pay for childcare and have the baby one day a week ?

TurnUpTurnip · 05/12/2021 22:52

How odd!

Original poster
Frenchcroissant · 05/12/2021 22:53

We've meet a couple of times and she has mentioned it, yes. I've only been thinking about it as last time we meet baby was 5 months old and cried/fussed quite a lot. Since then it's been playing on my mind that the newborn sleeping phase it's gone and so will be my relaxing day off...

OP posts:
Original poster
Frenchcroissant · 05/12/2021 22:54

I never offered to pay for any childcare, just to look after baby one day a week

OP posts:
Original poster
Frenchcroissant · 05/12/2021 22:55

So she'd save that day on nursery fees

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 05/12/2021 22:59

I agree she must have had a plan before you offered and it’s one day a week so hopefully it won’t be too hard to stretch to the extra childcare she needs. You don’t owe her your time. But you need to tell her asap, like tomorrow. And let the chips fall where they will.

converseandjeans · 05/12/2021 23:06

I think you need to tell her ASAP so she can get something else sorted. I don't think it's unreasonable to want your day off to yourself.

Original poster
Frenchcroissant · 05/12/2021 23:08

It's the guilt that's it's eating me alive at having to tell her... How stupid I've been!!

OP posts:
gah2teenagers · 05/12/2021 23:11

Please tell her quickly. You are not being unreasonable but she needs to plan.

Thehop · 05/12/2021 23:14

“Friend. I’m so sorry but I have to back out of having daisy on a Tuesday. It’s eaten me up worrying about doing this, because I value our friendship very much. That’s actually part of the reason. I don’t want to risk spoiling that if something goes wrong and I can only think I rushed into offering because she was laid in my arms at the time and I was overcome with emotion. It’s hit home recently that I’m just not qualified or equipped to look after her properly and that I have nowhere near enough free time to lose my day off. I’d love to be a babysitter for date nights and whatnot but i just can’t be reliable on a Tuesday. I really am so sorry”

HunterGatherer · 05/12/2021 23:16

Tell her that you've given it a lot of thought and you're very sorry but it no longer works for you.
The longer you leave it the worse her situation will become.

BurntO · 05/12/2021 23:19

Tell her NOW. Childcare is a PITA so she’ll need to plan

Personally I would of turned you down, I work 4 days a week and like fuck would I want to look after someone else’s kid. If anyone offered to me I’d rely on them changing their minds and make other plans

Missmissmiiiiiiiiisss · 05/12/2021 23:22

I think you’ve put yourself in an impossible situation. You were very daft to offer. Although to be honest, I wouldn’t have accepted unless someone repeated their offer a good few times. Did you just offer the once or has this been a series of conversations?