To be concerned

[Iwasfeelingepic]

I'll try to keep this short. We live in a terraced house & the sound proof is practically non existent. Due to this we have had a few issues with one side of our neighbours. We haven't really spoken since they moved in about 6 years ago, just a wave or nod if we passed in the street. She has two kids, one in high school & the other in primary. They both play violin & trumpet, which we hear very clearly. Obviously there is nothing we can do about that. But things came to ahead about a year ago when the mother started shouting very loudly while the kids on played their instruments. This would go on for over an hour every night. Unknown to me, my husband had posted a letter to her about the noise issues, including door slamming, dropping things on the wooding floor etc, and asked if she would consider not playing the instruments after 8pm and not right next to out joining wall. Nothing changed. Then one bank holiday she started shouting at the kids at 6.40 waking me up, I was feeling unwell so was quite angry, I wrote her another note stating that we were on the verge of complaining to the council about the noise and we were also concerned about how bad the arguments sounded between her and her son. She sent me a text apologising and promising to stop. It did for a week.

Today they had another argument lasting an hour, they both ended up crying, the boy saying he is fed up getting moaned at for everything, can't do anything right etc and only his friends are keeping him going. His mum always speaks Chinese, so we never hear what she says, but this is the 3rd time in 2mnts we have heard him cry & say how he feels so bad, alone etc. He is always getting compared to some other boy. One thing that got to me was that he said she never praises him when he does well, he got 80% in a test & all she said was how come it was lower than last time, he can never please her.
I know I'm rambling, but I'm worried, the arguments sound violent, but I don't think she would hit him, but he sounds beaten down. I don't know if the issues of the noise is affecting my thoughts on this, and I know how it is having a teenager, but but shouting at them all day, then the aggressive arguments are awful to hear. Do I text her again? Saying what? Do I ignore it and hope I'm wrong about how sad he sounds? Any advice please?

Also meant to add at other times when I hear him and his sister, they sound like normal siblings.

Is she a "Tiger mum"? If you Google there was a documentary about them, they push push push their children and its usually their culture to shout rather than calmly discuss why grades are not good enough etc. I mean it sounds pretty toxic but not abusive but either way it's none of your concern. Focus on the noise problem and tackle that. You can buy soundproofing so there's nothing stopping you fitting that on your side of the adjoining wall.

Rather than sending notes and messages etc - stop the cycle by knocking loudly on her door each time. If someone woke me up at 6.30am I'd be round there banging on their door asking them what the hell they're playing it. She sounds like she needs this more direct approach.

We have sound proofed the walls we share apart from the chimney one,and that's getting done after Christmas. It's not made a bit of difference. I don't know if it's a Tiger mum situation, but it's not normal shouting, you can hear it from the street 3 houses down. It's not even the loudness, that's another issue, it's the aggression of it.

@ChangeChingyChange

Rather than sending notes and messages etc - stop the cycle by knocking loudly on her door each time. If someone woke me up at 6.30am I'd be round there banging on their door asking them what the hell they're playing it. She sounds like she needs this more direct approach.

She doesn't speak English, so no point, my DH has tried banging on the wall, which helps sometimes. But I'm not comfortable doing this while the boy is breaking his heart.

Your concerned so personally I would be phoning someone like the NSPCC for advice. Or contact his school and ask to talk to the safeguarding lead.

It may be all fine but your worried so don’t turn a blind eye.

@Sirzy

Your concerned so personally I would be phoning someone like the NSPCC for advice. Or contact his school and ask to talk to the safeguarding lead.

It may be all fine but your worried so don’t turn a blind eye.

That's what I was considering, but wanted to see if anyone else thought along those lines. Tbh I'm more concerned that he might be a danger to himself than anything else, as though he's said to her his friends is the only thing keeping him going, they are online as she takes to school, picks him up,, then they are all home all day except music lessons on a Sat .

Aw reading your updates it does sound abusive. Poor lad. Definitely contact social services and record the shouting. My friend had to do this with her neighbour (constantly shouting at her 4 and 2 year olds calling them cunts and all sorts of horrible stuff) SS only took any notice due to the recordings. You could hear it clear as day through the walls and on the recordings so SS knew it must have been loud. If she doesn't speak any English at all(which I highly doubt) it doesn't matter - you banging on the door and saying shhhh when she answers is multi lingual!! She will get the hint. I would do it every time without exception til she gets the message.

@ChangeChingyChange

Aw reading your updates it does sound abusive. Poor lad. Definitely contact social services and record the shouting. My friend had to do this with her neighbour (constantly shouting at her 4 and 2 year olds calling them cunts and all sorts of horrible stuff) SS only took any notice due to the recordings. You could hear it clear as day through the walls and on the recordings so SS knew it must have been loud. If she doesn't speak any English at all(which I highly doubt) it doesn't matter - you banging on the door and saying shhhh when she answers is multi lingual!! She will get the hint. I would do it every time without exception til she gets the message.

Thank you. We do have some recordings. I will reach out to his school or something. If everything is well then I don't mind being the interfering person. Thanks everyone.

Just contact social services - the boy is clearly not happy and may be being abused.

NSPCC for advice. I had to do this a few months ago and they were bloody brilliant. My own view is, and indeed in light of the horrific news this week, you absolutely must seek advice.

@TheFormidableMrsC

NSPCC for advice. I had to do this a few months ago and they were bloody brilliant. My own view is, and indeed in light of the horrific news this week, you absolutely must seek advice.

I agree. Poor Arthur needed someone to step up for him and no one did 😢

I would be knocking on the door during the verbal onslaught to the son. Ask to speak to him. That may actually may make her realise the affect she is having on her son.

We used to have Chinese neighbours and I do think that the spoken language can often sound a lot more aggressive than it is when you don't know what is being said. Chinese parents are well known generally for being very strict with their children.

Another vote for contacting the school here and/or the NSPCC for advice. Trust your instincts. We all need to be more vigilant and speak up when we are concerned.

Given current news yabu not to have authorities check up on them op.. I have reported my ndn's arguing more than once. Rang 999 twice.

The Chinese language can sound harsh, and lots of Chinese people speak quite loudly. Growing up, friends who came round always thought my (Chinese) parents were arguing when they were just chatting. Chinese parents are also known for being strict and highly critical with their children, so the mum's criticism sadly isn't surprising.

Having said that, the son's comment about feeling alone isn't good, and I agree that calling the NSPCC for advice is a good idea, just in case.

As for the noise, I'd write them another letter, perhaps with the word 'formal' in it, and hand it to the mum, reiterating the message in person. I know you said she doesn't speak English, but she'll understand from your tone that it's serious and the noise needs to stop. Child abuse aside, all the shouting isn't ok.

If you’re concerned, report it. You shouldn’t need validation from a bunch of strangers on the internet to do so.