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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Do I have unreasonable expectations.

24 replies

Homerenonovice · 05/12/2021 11:34

I’m starting to wonder whether I am actually the person causing the issues in our relationship. So thought I’d see if I do have unreasonable expectations.

I made a lasagna for the family for dinner. DH came downstairs and decided he wanted chips. He cooked us both some. I dished the children’s dinner up and got them sorted.

He then dished our dinner up, got himself a drink and cutlery and then sat down at the table and told me mine was on the side. No drink, no cutlery.

I think this is selfish, am I overreacting?

Obviously this is just one example. I haven’t said anything to DH about it but I’m growing more and more resentful of him and I’m wondering if I just have too high expectations.

Yabu- get your own drink and cutlery
Yanbu- he should have sorted them for both of you

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 05/12/2021 11:37

I wish there was an option to vote "YABU, because you didn't say anything".

Resentment is a slow-burner in relationship killers.

Next time, just politely point it out.

Triffid1 · 05/12/2021 11:39

Yes, it's selfish. If it's a once off, I wouldn't consider it a big deal. But if this is a pattern then no, your expectations are not too high.

PS - I constantly remind DS that if he is getting cutlery for himself he should get for the rest of us too (if we haven't set the table properly). He's 10 and understands this.

ChargingBuck · 05/12/2021 11:47

Obviously this is just one example.

Yeah, thought it must be, or you wouldn't have been moved to post about it here. I get the hurtfulness of being the recipient of the "death by a thousand cuts" BUT ...

I haven’t said anything to DH about it but I’m growing more and more resentful of him and I’m wondering if I just have too high expectations.
So many relationships flounder because partner A wants something from partner B, doesn't say anything about it, then sulks because B isn't a mind reader.

So FFS SAY something!
It doesn't need to be confrontational.
A mild aside - "oh, didn't you put cutlery out for me?"
& see how he responds.
If you make a big thing out of just one of your 1000 cuts, DH will think you are being ridiculous.
But if you open up a proper 2-way conversation, it gives you the opportunity to say things like -
"it's a small thing, but I always put yours out for you, please remember to do the same for me?"
or
"I love when you do small cherishing acts like remembering to put my cutlery out when you do your own."

See?
No biggie (he doesn't have to know you've reached boiling point/despair/whatever) - no confrontation = no defensiveness back from DH.

If it's part of a much larger pattern than the blooming cutlery, you'll find out by how he responds. But you cannot expect him to 1) know how you are feeling if you don't tell him 2) take the blame of your hidden resentment when it's your responsibility to ask for what you need & want from him.

Good luck!

Original poster

Homerenonovice · 05/12/2021 12:02

Normally I would say something, but I was questioning whether it was me being unreasonable as he always tells me I have too high standards that he can’t live up to.

Just yesterday we were going out for a walk. I was going to the car to get the pram for our youngest. As I walked to the car our eldest asked me if I knew where her gloves were. I said no, carrying on walking. I then heard her ask DH who just responded if mummy doesn’t know, I don’t know. He then just stood there and I was left to find the gloves.

So basically I got myself and the two children ready for the walk and he just got himself ready, as always!!

I’m not saying he is always like this, he does help, but it’s the little things which he doesn’t do that bother me.

OP posts:

JollyJoon · 05/12/2021 12:06

I think the weird part is him suddenly changing your dinner plans after you've made lasagna because he just wanted chips. Is he 4? When someone puts the time into making you dinner, you eat it

WorraLiberty · 05/12/2021 12:08

He then just stood there and I was left to find the gloves.

Again though, where was the communication? "You need to look for the gloves because I'm doing XYZ here".

So basically I got myself and the two children ready for the walk and he just got himself ready, as always!!

Tbh that's just selfish behaviour, which no amount of communication is likely to solve anyway.

Was he selfish before the kids came along?

WorraLiberty · 05/12/2021 12:09

@JollyJoon

I think the weird part is him suddenly changing your dinner plans after you've made lasagna because he just wanted chips. Is he 4? When someone puts the time into making you dinner, you eat it

No you don't, if you both fancy chips with it like the OP and her DH did

izalbum · 05/12/2021 12:12

Communication is your problem.

If one of us is dishing up the other will get cutlery and drinks, and DHs meds. This is something we started doing about 20 years ago so whole is way it's about communication, we no longer actually communicate it. Initially though a simple 'can you do X while I do Y?' should cover it.

JollyJoon · 05/12/2021 12:13

@WorraLiberty
Where did the OP say she wanted them?

smoko · 05/12/2021 12:14

Who eats chips with lasagna

If he dished your dinner up, why not bring it to the table & put some cutlery & a glass down?

It sounds like he knows you would comment if he didn’t bother to plate up your food & just served himself. So he kind of did the bare minimum

I don’t see it that he cooked chips for the both of you - if you are making chips you’d do more than just one standard serve anyway surely. It’s hardly as involved as preparing a lasagna

The second instance also sounds lazy - why wasn’t he going to get the pram for littlest? So he was just standing around while you flap about getting 2 kids ready?

You do need to communicate but also maybe you are nitpicking at everything because you get a sense of his selfishness in all his everyday acts. So each instance is small, but they add up & piss you off.

I can see your point in everything except pairing chips with pasta.

IsDaveThere · 05/12/2021 12:18

Who eats chips with lasagna

Erm..lots of people? Some of us even triple carb and have garlic bread as well.

Orgasmagorical · 05/12/2021 12:19

he always tells me I have too high standards that he can’t live up to.

Does he often turn things round to be your fault?

VainAbigail · 05/12/2021 12:28

@IsDaveThere

Who eats chips with lasagna

Erm..lots of people? Some of us even triple carb and have garlic bread as well.

And it’s very nice!!

Herecomesthesun70 · 05/12/2021 12:31

If he couldn't be arsed to make me a drink and get cutlery out I'd be rethinking doing his anything. I'm not to your washing, ironing, cooking etc
When he complains just say I thought we were doing our own stuff now
This would piss me off but I'd have mentioned it at the time

eightlivesdown · 05/12/2021 12:34

Selfish and / or unthoughtful. You need to call him out, but in a non-confrontational way so as not to escalate into a row or a sulk.

pigsDOfly · 05/12/2021 12:36

You need to speak up.

Don't sit a seethe because you will just become more and more resentful.

Getting his own cutlery and leaving your food on the side is rude, dismissive and unkind.

Standing doing nothing when you're organising everyone is lazy and dismissive; you're not everyone's servant.

Speak up for yourself in a calm manner and let him know you're not being treated like that.

OhMyCrump · 05/12/2021 12:38

I know OP.
No matter how politely I raised it, even as PP said "oh, didn't you put cutlery out for me?"
I would have got a massive sigh, FFS fine, eye roll, slamming down of cutlery 'anything else I can get for you?', silent treatment rest of evening.
Is it like that OP or would he just hop up and go, sorry totally forgot, here you go.
If its the second I'd just continue to remind him politely.
If its the first, well..... we're separated now.

WorraLiberty · 05/12/2021 12:41

[quote JollyJoon]@WorraLiberty
Where did the OP say she wanted them?[/quote]
He cooked us both some

Lots of people like chips with lasagne and if the OP didn't, I'm sure she would've said "Not for me, thanks".

ftw163532 · 05/12/2021 12:41

What's his role in the average week? And what's yours?

Him pulling his weight with his own home and family life is not "helping you" - you are not his serving staff. These tasks are all his shared responsibility, not your job that he "helps" with. Stop referring to it as "helping" .

Did you used to speak up about this behaviour?

ftw163532 · 05/12/2021 12:44

@Orgasmagorical

he always tells me I have too high standards that he can’t live up to.

Does he often turn things round to be your fault?

I also wondered this.

Posters are criticising the op for not speaking up, but I get the impression that he may have trained her not to.

pigsDOfly · 05/12/2021 12:48

Posters are criticising the op for not speaking up,

I don't think anyone is 'criticising' the op for not speaking up.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 05/12/2021 12:49

Lasagna chips and garlic bread is a meal made in heaven

Although it has to be a veggie one.

Regarding the drink I wouldn't expect one without being asked first, cutlery I would expect. Although if we were sitting eating whilst watching t.v I would probably leave it outside, if we were eating at the table I would bring it in.

Hawkins001 · 05/12/2021 13:21

Your partner, could be more thoughtful and helpful

ChargingBuck · 05/12/2021 13:56

As I walked to the car our eldest asked me if I knew where her gloves were. I said no, carrying on walking. I then heard her ask DH who just responded if mummy doesn’t know, I don’t know. He then just stood there and I was left to find the gloves.

Um ... I mean this kindly, & as an opportunity to change the mindset of everyone affected, so I genuinely hope you don't take this as me trying to apportion blame or be unsympathetic - but you can reframe this.

When situations like this happen, you can CHOOSE a different outcome.
So, instead of feeling "here we go, yet another of the 1000 small cuts", you can decide "here is a learning opportunity."

When you say I was left to find the gloves ... this is simply passive acceptance of the situation you are in. I understand how frustrating it is, the the feeling of now being unable to change it.
But you CAN change it!

Replay the scene:
Eldest asked me if I knew where her gloves were. I said no, carrying on walking.
I then heard her ask DH who just responded if mummy doesn’t know, I don’t know.
HERE is your opportunity. Next time, do not choose passive acceptance. Next time, say something like -
"Don't be silly daddy - mummy isn't the Goddess of Lost Gloves! You know as much as I do about where they might be"
He will probably push back (he'll be surprised his Strategic Incompetence has suddenly failed) - or at least react by still expecting you to be the Family GloveFinder. So when this happens -
He then just stood there and I was left to find the gloves.
"Daddy will help you look for them"
If you get pushback from DH -
"Eldest asked you where her gloves are, she wants you to help her, daddy!" or "Just look where you think it's sensible, like in her other coat pocket or stashed in the hall cupboard."

Be bright & breezy, expect compliance, & stop stepping into the holes he makes in the the Small Chores bucket - he's as responsible for that bucket as you are, & resentfully filling holes while he just stands there is only teaching him that he can get away with it.

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