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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To live with ex

22 replies

IusedToBeYoung · 05/12/2021 08:52

DH has announced he is leaving me. Been together almost 30 years. We have had lots of ups and downs and I have constantly pushed for us to work on things but he always says he's fine and happy and I'm wrong blah blah blah. Finally he decides to actually give it some thought and decides that yes he's not actually happy and hasn't been for a long time and now can't be bothered to fix things! So he's out of our marriage and doesn't want to try anything to help. Doesn't love me etc. He's been planning this for a couple of months and was hoping to keep it quiet until after Christmas to not upset the kids so much but I knew he was upset about something so he had to come clean.

We have built a nice life recently in a new area and everything is now going to go to shit. We cannot afford this house and somewhere for him I wouldn't think as I've recently lost my job and have health problems. Kids are going to be devastated.

How realistic is it for him to continue living here for a while (there's room) or am I setting myself up for trouble. My world has literally just imploded!

OP posts:

ThisIsStartingToBoreMe · 05/12/2021 10:04

How would it work when you start dating new people?

Backtodecemberagain · 05/12/2021 10:05

Where does it say OP is going to be dating again?

It wouldn’t work OP. I’m sorry

Mumoblue · 05/12/2021 10:09

I had to live with my ex for months while he dragged his feet over finding somewhere else to stay. It is not worth it.
You’d have to both be extremely mature about things, and someone always is unable to do that. I had to threaten to move out to get him to leave.

And it was just tense and unpleasant when he was here. I couldn’t even look at my phone without him asking me if I was on dating apps (despite us being broken up because HE cheated).

Also, it just drags things out for your kids. The best thing to do is sort everything as quickly as possible so they don’t feel constantly on edge. I’m lucky that my kid was too little to know what was going on, but it would just be confusing for older kids.

Mindymomo · 05/12/2021 10:13

Lots of people have to stay living together due to finance, some want a complete split. Does he have anywhere to go, ie parents or relatives. If he’s been planning this for months, he needs to tell you what he is going to do. It is sad for your DC, but have they picked up that something isn’t right.

Original poster

IusedToBeYoung · 05/12/2021 10:28

Thank you. Dating is the last thing on my mind!

Kids are primary age with some additional needs so it is going to be so hard whenever and however it happens.

He says he's hasn't thought where to go. He has no one he can stay with. All his friends (not many) are our friends. He pictures a lonely depressed situation for himself but this still seems preferable than trying to get some help for us! I wonder if there is something else going on. It makes no sense to me! He is hoping we will have an amicable relationship to co parent the kids.

OP posts:

Lasair · 05/12/2021 11:07

I’d suspect an OW.

luverlybubberly · 05/12/2021 11:08

Ime it's a nightmare living with your ex. You don't want to know or wonder what he's doing when he goes out, who he's texting etc

It's hard recovering but it's much easier if he's not around. Living together slows down the detaching process. You feel better when he's out at work, then he comes home and you're back to feeling shit.

If there's kids then the inevitable atmosphere because shit for them too. You can't parent in a natural relaxed way because you're thinking about so much more extra bollocks like how to get out the house without inviting ex and looking rude and resenting having to do housework for them too.

Personally I found it a massive relief when he moved out. It was sad but it was the start of feeling better too

JollyJoon · 05/12/2021 11:16

I see what's in it for him.

What's in it for you?

ThinWomansBrain · 05/12/2021 11:16

If you'd both decided to call it a day, it sounds possibly workable.
When he has decided it's over, but you've not come to terms with that and would prefer to work on staying together, it sounds more nightmarish, and ultimately that you'd be the one being hurt while H remains detatched,

Itsnotdeep · 05/12/2021 11:23

I suspect that, if he hasn't already, he wants to be shagging someone else. How would that feel if you were still living with him?

And really you need to be honest with yourself - you want him to stay because you want him to be with you. It would be painful and difficult. Better to split up properly (and share care of the children).

Butterfly44 · 05/12/2021 11:51

Sorry, he wants to leave the marriage so he can move out. That's what most do. He can go stay with parents or look to rent somewhere. Can't have it both ways ....ie staying in family home while dating outside (and there will be that as that's why he wants to split). Absolutely his problem.

ThisIsStartingToBoreMe · 05/12/2021 13:29

Thank you. Dating is the last thing on my mind!

Ah OK. What about your husband? Is dating the last thing on his mind?

AllTheSunshine · 05/12/2021 13:32

OW.
I'd bet on it.

ButtercupBlue · 05/12/2021 13:44

I had to live with my ex for 2.5 mths while I found somewhere for me & our two kids to live as he was adamant he wanted to keep the house (and I didn't put up a fight as UC wouldn't have paid towards a mortgage but would towards rent- go figure?!)

Anyway it was pretty awful tbh. Things deteriorated quickly and there was an awful atmosphere. Because we were living together and eating meals together and doing family things together with the kids but obviously not 'together' anymore so took it in turns to sleep on the sofa bed (no spare room) and neither of us could get any kind of closure. They were some of the longest hardest weeks of my life so if there's an alternative to that, I'd recommend it!

If he is the one who wants to break up, then I'd say the onus is on him to find somewhere temporary to stay whilst you figure the big stuff out. If you do decide to continue living together short term I'd make sure that you have very clear ground rules and boundaries.

PinkArt · 05/12/2021 13:45

What was his plan? It sounds like it's something he's been thinking about for a while so what was he thinking would happen next? He must have had a vague understanding that when you tell your wife you are leaving the next stage is usually actually leaving.
I'm sorry you're going through this. For now can you focus on giving yourself and the kids the best Christmas possible? Max out old traditions, create new ones, alleviate yourself of any of the wife work around presents etc

Gooders1105 · 05/12/2021 14:41

I think there’s someone else or why the change in opinion? It is horrendous sharing a house with someone- did it for three months (my ex wanted to stay for the next four years!) and counselling helped me realise he was controlling everything including our living arrangements. He initiated the split so your DH surely had a plan of what it should look like? Up to him to sort out where he’s living. NOT YOU. If you can afford counselling for yourself, sign up immediately. A good counsellor will help you explore why you’ve stayed in an unhappy marriage for so long. It hadn’t occurred to me I could end mine! 😩

MadMadMadamMim · 05/12/2021 14:47

It won't work. Once a marriage is dead it is dead - and attempting to cuddle the corpse of it is madness.

It's a little like the time after a bereavement when you are in limbo until after the funeral.

You need to separate before you can move on.

Original poster

IusedToBeYoung · 05/12/2021 15:25

I keep leaning to the idea that there must be someone else as why after all this time of muddling along ignoring problems and then suddenly go full on exit without so much as a chat!

It is not his insistence to stay he will do whatever I decide and he has no plan i guess mainly because he hadn't planned on telling me yet.

That is what has frustrated me most. Throw away 30 years and blow up our whole lives without even considering if there's a fix. We've had worst times in the past. He's had a big bereavement very recently and also has some other major stresses in his life so it concerns me our marriage is getting the brunt of all the blame for his depressed mood. If its done its done but it doesn't add up that suddenly our life together isn't worth a couple of counselling sessions and falling into a dark hole of depression in a small flat is more preferable!

OP posts:

Original poster

IusedToBeYoung · 05/12/2021 15:39

I guess I'm not in a place yet to work out if him staying here is for financial reasons, me or the kids. Probably a bit of all three. I don't know if I'm just angry that he will never have to face up to our problems and just gets to walk away after all this time. I've been with him since school (he's older) I've never even lived on my own before. Wtf am I supposed to do. I can't work at the moment. I just don't know where to start.

OP posts:

MoiraNotRuby · 05/12/2021 15:55

I'm so sorry OP. Fwiw I told my stbxh at the end of May, so 6+ months ago, that he had had his final chance and our marriage was over. We are still both living in the family home with 2 kids. It's absolutely fucking horrendous. 'Luckily' I already felt completely broken so I'm no more damaged but its been utterly miserable.

Original poster

IusedToBeYoung · 05/12/2021 16:02

@MoiraNotRuby

So sorry you are going through this too. Part of my mind is thinking similar to your last comment. All I've been asking for is for him to acknowledge there are problems. Now he's finally bloody done it why is it not worth even a little bit more time seeing if there might now be a solution. Its got pretty shit lately so we are unlikely to be more miserable and at least we could say we gave it a go!

OP posts:

Austen33 · 06/12/2021 07:19

It is perfectly possible, we managed it for a long time, but it will only work if both of you accept the marriage is over.
Having re-read the thread before posting, perhaps it was only possible for us because we were lucky and had separate bedrooms and sitting rooms.
There wasn't an OW. Just no love left in the marriage.

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