To wish he hadn't bothered

9 replies

HandsFaceClock · 04/12/2021 21:01

Ex came to see DS today and it's my birthday soon. Before he left he went to his car to write birthday cards he'd bought for me this morning. One was 'from' DS which was quite nice with a heart and a lady in a pretty dress. Inside it said to the best mum and lots of love and x's etc. It was nice. He gave me another card that was clearly for a more mature man, it had lots of blue and a painting of a country pub. Inside it was just dear you, hope you have the best day, best wishes, me x.

When we were together he proposed on my birthday, we never ended up getting married but now every birthday I think about what could have been. And then I feel angry that he put that memory on my birthday, because I now know he was already trying to find a new gf. This card just feels like a horrible reminder of how much he doesn't like me. When we were together one of my valentine's cards was actually not a card and just a sheet of loose leaf lined paper with hastily scribbled nonsense. He said he couldn't afford a card that year and I later found out that was because he was spending £100s on gambling and dating sites. (in his defence, I suggested a hand written letter instead but I imagined some effort and care would have gone into it when I suggested it) This card just feels like another one of these moments where he takes a day for me and makes it shit by being 'nice' and that my day would actually be better if he did nothing. There are more days like this but I don't want to keep on.

I think I just want him to stop being nice to me because it's never what I would have liked anyway and reminds me of horrible times and how stupid I was to ever give him the benefit of the doubt. I never send him a birthday or Christmas or father's day card from me since we split, I only do it from DS. Because, what can I possibly say to him after how bad things went down? I feel like writing a card from myself to him would be so insincere and pointless. Is that mean of me? Am I supposed to be scribbling a card with a pen that doesn't work in my car outside his house and sign it with best wishes? I think I'm probably a bit more pissed off about it because it's the first time he hasn't signed love from. It just feels like rubbing the failed relationship and family life in my face even worse this year.

I want to tell him not to bother for Christmas but I don't want to have a row about it. Which I think will happen if I say anything.

OP posts:

CloudyStorms · 04/12/2021 21:03

Maybe say to give that there's no need to do a birthday card just from him in future, it's just your son you are interested in?

Aquamarine1029 · 04/12/2021 21:04

Thank him for the card and then toss it in the bin. The card doesn't matter, he doesn't matter, and saying anything is pointless. Do everything possible to stay friendly/amicable for your son's sake. Be the bigger person.

gamerchick · 04/12/2021 21:06

I don't understand what the problem is. He's an ex, just bin it. I'd just roll my eyes if.my ex got me a card and I've never had one from him from the kids either and I don't acknowledge his special days.

But then I don't have feelings for my ex.

Jibberjabberhutt · 04/12/2021 21:08

Put it in the recycling and think no more of it. He’s making half-arsed gestures possibly to allay his own guilt at his shitty treatment of you. How long has it been since you broke up? Can he collect your child and see them elsewhere?

TurnUpTurnip · 04/12/2021 21:10

I would stop giving cards tbh even from your “son” as it’s not really from him anyway,
My ex always texts me happy birthday every single year despite the fact we have no contact and he doesn’t see our children, I just ignore, he always does it on the wrong day I assume to annoy me, I don’t rise to it and never respond, I don’t do the same for him.

Numbertime · 04/12/2021 21:11

Just one more thing to add to the list of reasons you are better off without him. My ex adds to his list pretty much on a weekly basis.

5128gap · 04/12/2021 21:12

Happy Birthday OP. Give yourself a present and make sure this is the last year he dominates your day. Next year try not to see him at all. Make plans for yourself so you start building new memories to crowd out the ones he spoiled. You know you're better off without him. And your birthdays will be too.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 04/12/2021 21:13

For your sons sake I wouldn't say anything when he is doing something that can come across as nice, even if you dont think that was the intent. Just bin it

Original poster

HandsFaceClock · 04/12/2021 21:52

Thank you all, you're right I won't say anything, but it did feel good to vent here. I'll just keep saying thanks, you didn't need to and hope it stops soon.

5128gap thank you that's lovely of you, yes that's what I should be doing, making it into a happy memory day again.

Jibberjabberhutt it's 2.5 years since we split

gamerchick yes I definitely still have strong emotions about my ex, I'm just not always sure what they are. I wish we didn't have to see or speak at all. I often ask that we keep it just about DS but he seems to not be able to.

TurnUpTurnip I wouldn't mind stopping the cards but my son does enjoy signing them/choosing them/making them. I thought it was good for him but maybe it's making things awkward. I don't write the best dad in the world stuff to him, I just put to dad at the top and let my son draw and sign the bottom.

OP posts:

Flip