To stay with my partner due to my illness

[juniperJu]

I am almost certain I have borderline personality disorder. I have essentially all of the symptoms and tendencies and it's really affecting my life. It has done for years. I am diagnosed with anxiety and depression but I'm dishonest in appointments as I don't want a formal BPD diagnosis due to the stigma you hear about.

My boyfriend of almost a year is mostly great, he makes a lot of effort and I love him. I am so up and down though and one minute I want to shower him with love, and the next I can't stand him. I try not to let him see this but sometimes it's impossible.

Tonight he upset me and I told him I wanted a break/to end it. An hour later I now regret it, feel bad and want to be all lovey dovey. I'm impulsive and bad with money. I used to abuse substances before I was a parent. I used to lie a lot but I've got better.

I mask my symptoms really well, though others do notice the impulsivity. He loves me so much and puts up with me but I feel like the best thing to do is to walk away for his own sake, as I know I am not a good partner. I have so much love to give and I really care about people.

I try but I will always be like this. Does it mean I'm destined to be single forever?

Title should be *to leave my partner due to my illness

Just be honest and get the right treatment. Like you, I knew I had it from researching it but I actively pursued a formal diagnosis. I haven’t encountered any stigma - what I have got is the right medication that has honestly transformed my life, and a great therapist. It’s so helpful to have a framework in which to understand my impulses and behaviour, identify triggers and not act on them. Honestly, I was horrid to be in a relationship with when I was unmedicated, but you should get treatment for your own sake more than anyone else. I’m not going to say yes, leave your partner, but I will say learning to be alone and content in my own company was very helpful for me. You don’t have to let this rule your life.

@TedMullins

Just be honest and get the right treatment. Like you, I knew I had it from researching it but I actively pursued a formal diagnosis. I haven’t encountered any stigma - what I have got is the right medication that has honestly transformed my life, and a great therapist. It’s so helpful to have a framework in which to understand my impulses and behaviour, identify triggers and not act on them. Honestly, I was horrid to be in a relationship with when I was unmedicated, but you should get treatment for your own sake more than anyone else. I’m not going to say yes, leave your partner, but I will say learning to be alone and content in my own company was very helpful for me. You don’t have to let this rule your life.

Thank you so much. I'm on citalopram for depression/anxiety and it helps. Do you mind sharing what meds you are on?

I have a lot of chronic health problems and have also recently been a victim of a violent crime so I feel like I won't be taken seriously anymore with a formal diagnosis. I want to feel "normal". I feel so trapped within myself.

I’m on venlafaxine and quetiapine. It sounds like you’ve been through a lot - all the more reason to seek help. You will be taken seriously, doctors won’t judge you, they’ll have seen other people with the same condition and will try and help you

I've just done this exact thing op, almost word for word same situation. He deserves better than me. I'm going to try and get a diagnosis, work on myself and go from there. You're not destined to be single forever, but you should consider getting the right suppprt via GP / therapy.

I think you need proper professional advice but I wonder if you would be better off being single for a while. It must be horrible to know that you are making someone else unhappy in a relationship. Even though it’s not your fault it seems really awful that your boyfriend is being treated like he is.

Would you feel more comfortable concentrating on yourself for a while. Wouldn’t that be easier that trying to improve your mental health while living with the dramas of your relationship?
It’ doesn’t mean being single forever just for a while.
Good luck with whatever you do.

OP the fact that you're thinking about this shows that you're not a bad person. I'd encourage you to seek treatment. The stigma etc doesn't matter - it's not like you're going to announce it to everyone. Not getting help doesn't mean you can ignore it - it will still be ruining your life.

R.e leaving - discuss it and let him make the choice. He may choose to support you and that can be invaluable, since he's still here.