Family Xmas Presents or Holiday?

[Grumpyxmas]

I rarely see my sister and brother apart from significant birthdays and Christmas. They rarely pick up the phone and I've given up. making contact of late. (long post)

Last year we obviously did not gather together at Christmas but it was actually really chilled out and I did not spend the day driving 4hrs to have lunch with them plus we didn't spend money on Christmas presents (I buy for 4 in two families they buy for 2 in my family).

We have always been together on Christmas day and they have catered so there's balance.

However, it was lovely not to worry about the expense of Christmas last year and this sounds horrible but not feel like I had spent out money only to recieve gifts I would never use. Its a standard joke with my dd that I always receive a least one handbag but I rarely use handbags. Likewise I'm sure the presents I buy may not be used. So its all a bit of waste of money but it was a family tradition.

This year I've received a call from my niece to spend boxing day with them (the whole family to open presents). It's lovely that my niece wants the family to meet up, she has an 8 mth old baby so first Christmas.

I would love to go but I don't want to have to spend out the large amount on presents having broken the cycle last year. It costs me twice as much as my sister and brother and I'm a single parent. Then I have petrol costs on top circa 40.00. In the last 15 years they have never come to see me despite promises and my brother is now retired.

I've tentatively looked at booking a cottage on the coast so I can chill out with my daughter (at Uni). We would be away for 3 nights including boxing day... Its just nice to have quality time together.

So... What do I do? I feel mean to my niece because the first Xmas is special with their daughter... But at the same time Im quite angry with my siblings because they have never made any effort to see me and rarely up the phone. Every year Ive paid out double the amount for presents because there are just two of us and I'm rattled by the invitation to come on boxing day to open presents. I'm sure it's not meant in that actual way but I know my sister invited my brother to my nieces but she cannot pick the phone up to me (they live close).

I have brought the baby presents, which I was going to drop off when I'm in the area next week.

So, do I put myself and my daughter first, have the 3 day holiday together... Or do I just go back to feeling annoyed at buying presents and effectively wasting money I'd rather spend on my little family...in favour of the larger family harmony.

My brother is also homophobic and often makes awful comments especially at Christmas which are offensive to my daughter who they are not aware is gay.

So is it Xmas presents or Holiday... I can't do both.

Just don’t buy any presents but still go

You are being unreasonable even worrying about this....Book the holiday for you and your daughter!! Everything else and everyone else can wait, Ask yourself would they consider you before their own plans? I doubt it. Go have fun with your daughter.

I would do the holiday. Just thank your niece for the invite, but you are going away. I would also say that you thought the present cycle had been broken last year so you don’t want anything and won’t be giving, although you do have a small present for her baby you will drop in when you can

Have the time with your daughter and enjoy your holiday

Holiday.

I wouldn't be exposing my daughter to these arseholes ever again tbh.

Oh gosh just say thank you but you already have plans. I thought that before I even got to the bit about homophobic comments.

I would probably decline the invite (and either go in the holiday or chill at home) or go and take tiny presents then next summer send them a text saying you’re not doing presents anymore.

Don’t go. Tell your niece you’ve made other plans but you’ll see the baby at new year. The baby won’t even know what’s going on anyway.

And stop buying gifts for people if you’re going to keep beating yourself up about how much you spend vs how much you receive. We are childless-not-by-choice and have 22 nieces and nephews that we buy for (husband and I have 12 siblings between us) . They didn’t ask to be born. If you’re giving just because it’s a tradition and not because you want to give the children something then just stop. I can’t imagine keeping score on how many Christmas presents I’ve bought and how many I’ve received.

Have a happy time. Enjoy your Christmas with your dd.

Thank your niece but say you are sorted. If you like tell her she can come to you (a date that suits you)

Tell them you are not doing gifts . Send cards and look forward to doing your own hassle free thing.

I’d go on the holiday and stop worrying about it. Who cares what your siblings may think? You barely see each other anyway so I don’t think “family harmony” is a huge concern. Thank your niece for the invitation but tell her you and dd are taking the opportunity to have a holiday. You can visit her another time to give gifts for her baby.

Next year don’t wait to see what their plans are. Decide what you’re doing for Christmas and just do that. Also, let people know that you’ve decided not to do gifts and don’t expect any, or if you don’t feel able to do that, give token gifts such as chocs, wine, flowers etc.

Your OP reads like you give them far too much headspace to be honest, you need to stop caring so much about their expectations.

Just decline and say that you and your daughter have made other plans and thank her for her kind invite. Maybe send the present to the baby.