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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Childminder

24 replies

JaysMomma · 03/12/2021 14:04

So my childminder takes photos when my nearly 2 year old gets upset or is distressed and then sends it to me. At first I didn’t think much of it, but now I’m thinking why is she taking photos of him surely that’s making him more upset. Wouldn’t it be more wise to pick him up and try and calm him down. She even takes photos of him whilst his being sick and when his having a tantrum. I know if I whipped my phone out when my son was upset it would further upset him. His scratched his own face and pulled his hair out on two of these occasions, when she’s taking photos. My son has never attempted to hurt himself in my care, if anything he goes for me when his having a tantrum. What should I do, is this normal for a childminder to do this?

OP posts:
OnlyFoolsnMothers · 03/12/2021 14:06

Wtf - no that’s not normal, appropriate - for what purpose does she send them

bg92 · 03/12/2021 14:08

Wtf. Whip him out of there asap
I think if her instinct is to take a photo and not console him she is a weird person who I wouldn't want taking care of my son

ChangeChingyChange · 03/12/2021 14:08
Hmm
PineappleWilson · 03/12/2021 14:08

No, it's not. I'd be asking what she's hoping to achieve, and why she isn't just comforting him. That would concern me.

SummerHouse · 03/12/2021 14:11

Yeah, that's not a good childminder. I would ask why she is doing it. Whatever her answer is I would be finding another childminder.

Thatsplentyjack · 03/12/2021 14:11

As a childminder, no, that is not normal and if one of my minded kids was upset/being sick/having a tantrum (theater is very very rare) myasthenia thought would be to whip out .you phone and take a picture to send to their parents!

Starcaller · 03/12/2021 14:11

Confused Is this for real? Your child is harming himself in someone else's care and they are sending you pictures of it? Why the hell is he still going there?!

Thatsplentyjack · 03/12/2021 14:12

What does she say in the message? Is she trying to get you to pick him up and wants proof that he's being sick etc?

VimFuego101 · 03/12/2021 14:21

I guess maybe for evidence of how he hurt himself, and to show that she didn't cause the injury (You say he scratched his face during one tantrum). But yes, very weird and why is she taking pictures rather than attempting to calm him down and make sure he's safe?

Kbyodjs · 03/12/2021 14:24

Why on earth is she doing that? To what purpose? I would not be happy with that

BreadBreadBread · 03/12/2021 14:28

Of course that isn't normal or acceptable. Surprised anyone would even need to ask.

Tillsforthrills · 03/12/2021 14:30

Perhaps it’s to show you he is harming himself so you know he isn’t being harmed by her. Just trying to think why.

Perhaps he is too difficult and disruptive to the other children and she’s showing you how unhappy he is in the hopes you’ll remove him.

HappyMeal564 · 03/12/2021 14:46

Are they giving you a reason why they are doing this? It sounds awful!

Original poster
JaysMomma · 03/12/2021 14:51

She sends them along with other photos were he is happy and playing. And she explains how his been throughout the day. Sometimes I feel like she’s taking them as evidence, like when his sick so that I don’t question it. I am trying to get him into a nursery atm. I am a new mum, single, working full time and I don’t have any support system, so I just didn’t know whether this was normal or not for a childminder. It’s very distressing for me aswell because I’m at work and I receive a load of photos of my son upset and distressed. Thank you for your responses, I am going to question her when I pick him up today. I have to give her four weeks notice before I end the contract, which I will give her tonight

OP posts:
Munchyseeds · 03/12/2021 14:53

Very odd to take photos in those situations
It would be normal to take a photo of any activities, trips out to show patents what they have been up to in the day
That said it does sound as if his tantrums are quite extreme and she could be taking them for her own protection?

Mano2020 · 03/12/2021 14:56

Get him out of there asap. Instead of comforting him she is taking photos of him how distressing for the little one and you. She can easily tell you at the end of the day if he has been upset or had a bad day. That is terrible, my little one has recently started nursery he is 17 months and i get daily pictures of what he has been up to but nothing upsetting. They tell me at the end of the day how his day has been. X

Original poster
JaysMomma · 03/12/2021 15:04

But when he is with me his tantrums last around 20 seconds and then his fine again and there very rare. She’s never complained of his tantrums or said his a problem. She says his generally happy, I believe he scratched himself because she had her phone out and was taking photos of him whilst he was upset, which caused him to become further distressed. His never attempted to hurt himself around me because if his upset I comfort him.

OP posts:
Original poster
JaysMomma · 03/12/2021 15:06

Thank you, I will be removing him from there asap and in the meantime I will tell her She need to comfort him when his upset not take pictures of him

OP posts:
Original poster
JaysMomma · 03/12/2021 15:10

No reason, she just sends them along with good/happy photos saying he has been happy and playing and got upset when this happened.. with the photo of him distressed

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 03/12/2021 15:17

@JaysMomma

Thank you, I will be removing him from there asap and in the meantime I will tell her She need to comfort him when his upset not take pictures of him
No just take him out today and don't let him go back, the poor kid
MadeOfStarStuff · 03/12/2021 15:21

YANBU at all, who does that?!

The only reason I can imagine photographing or filming behaviour like that would be to try and build a picture for medical or SEN diagnoses (not suggesting there are any SEN issues here!), but even then it should only be done after discussion with you and shouldn’t be at the expense of distressing the child even more.

PanettoneSeason · 03/12/2021 15:31

I’d be removing him from her care ASAP - there’s no possible need for her to be doing that!
I had a family member visiting a few weeks ago...I left DS (12 months) in the lounge with her while I went to make his lunch. Heard him crying so went in to see what happened and he was lying face down crying on the floor having slipped on a book and banged his face off the floor. The family member was sitting on the couch in HYSTERICS because it “looked so funny” the way he fell 😐 he’d put his tooth through his lip. She made absolutely no attempt to even move to check he was ok. She was asked to leave and won’t be alone with my child again. Gives me major red flags when I see anyone in that position not attempt to comfort a child!

Kuachui · 03/12/2021 15:45

its very wrong and very concerning that theres no empathy there.

lisaandalan · 03/12/2021 15:57

I am a childminder and I certainly would not do this it is wrong.
Is she either very inexperienced or weird.
Please take your son away from there, I would consider reporting her too.
She should be cuddling him, trying to console him and distracting him. Not taking photos of him.

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