Am I being unreasonable to think my abusive ex can’t change?

[Iwannascream8]

I can not think of a time I could look at him with forgiveness. He has caused me many issues I’ll most likely have forever, some mental some physical.

He is doing everything court is asking him to do to restart contact with our child. Has completed all the course etc.

Am I unreasonable to think he can never change? I have a decade of really awful memories stopping me from viewing him any differently and from seeing contact with our child as anything positive. He was a truly awful partner to me and all his previous. Some of them extremely violent, me mostly emotional.

It's unlikely that he will change. I have read a couple of instances where it's happened but it's rare. My ex was very abusive so much so that I didn't know who I was, what my own opinions were etc. I felt so lost then I began a relationship with someone who seemed awesome in the beginning but it became apparent after a few months that he was an alcoholic. Whilst he did not sexually abuse me he physically did so, emotionally and psychologically abused me.

I worked hard all my life and went to university during the second relationship. My mental health went gradually downhill over the years and I have a serious and complex mental illness as a result of the trauma. I have a very lovely man now but I am now at a standstill. It's like my brain will not work. I do have a physical disability which doesn't help!

Op please don't ever resume a relationship with him as he will grind you down to nothing.

@fantasmasgoria1 yes I have complex ptsd and chronic fatigue because of our relationship. It’s just so difficult when he is doing exactly what is asked of by the court to get contact resumed with our daughter. I can’t keep saying no because I will be in trouble.

How can I keep him out of my life but into our daughters? I am never sure on whether he genuinely wants to see her or if he needs to for some other reason.

I think you need to outline what you don't want...

1. Don't want him in your house
2. Don't want him to call your mobile
3. Don't want to spend time with him etc..

Then think how you can facilitate contact without breaching these.

E.g. My husband collects DD from school on Wednesday evening and drops her to school on a Thursday morning. He can email me if he has issues. School ring me if he doesn't turn up (he forgot... twice!) This doesn't breach any of those things.

He needs to spend time with your kid but it should be possible to set that up without him having lots of access to you.

Very clear boundaries. Keep one spare mobile phone and only give that number, or email. Doorstep pick ups and drop offs, don’t invite him in.
Treat the relationship as purely “professional” going forward, no personal conversations etc

Yanbu.

Quite often these men will use children to further abuse their ex partners.

My ex certainly did everything the court asked initially, when he realised that he couldn't control and get at me anymore he stopped contact, currently he is on about year 4 of 2 texts a year to their phones and not seeing them at all.

I would be asking for supervised contact and then, if he is allowed contact get a third party to do the handovers and get a contact book, or set up a separate email where you can write/send any vital information down, and take photos/keep the emails so you can prove you've told him things.

Don't engage in anything other than vital information about the child.

I don’t want him living down the bottom of my road and invading the safe space I’ve managed to create. I can’t walk around my street or go to the shop. Everyday we have to drive past each other’s place. Why oh why did he have to go and do this last month.

I’m happy with video then contact centre but now outside of that for the short term how can I avoid him when on my own and with our daughter.

@Iwannascream8

I don’t want him living down the bottom of my road and invading the safe space I’ve managed to create. I can’t walk around my street or go to the shop. Everyday we have to drive past each other’s place. Why oh why did he have to go and do this last month.

I’m happy with video then contact centre but now outside of that for the short term how can I avoid him when on my own and with our daughter.

Oh god, he's moved into your street?

For starters get one of those video doorbells, you can pick them up for about £40 on amazon.

Has he been charged with any kind of abuse towards you? If so can you see about getting a non molestation order out? How feasible is it for you to move house?

For the short term I would just ignore him, drive a different way if possible, and keep records of every single time he attempts to contact you.

People can change - but only if they want to. Often they can convince themselves that they have changed because the mind is excellent at deluding itself.

Realistically if he doesn't have a restraining order you can't stop him moving so close to you, but you have the right to move away yourself - could you move a few hundred miles to get away from him? It might look odd if he then followed you again.

Nope can’t go another way, can’t get to another shop, can’t walk out of the estate without going past. He probably won’t do anything but make his presence known that he is in my life and that’s it. He can be in my daughters life but I’m unable, know matter how much I love my daughter to let him back in mine.

I can’t move her, she is settled. I have just redecorated the whole house top to bottom to get rid of him from it. She has just chose all her new bedroom stuff and it’s done.
It would be so so unfair of her and he knows I wouldn’t do that to her.

I just don’t know how to avoid him in everyday life. He is going to want to bump into us so that she runs to him and what am I going to do with my bloody ptsd. It’s great he went on a course and is now “cured”. Abuse has consequences and this is it’s, I’m trying to heal so I can be a better mum.

Purchase and install a ring doorbell system, for your safety and proof later if necessary.