To feel like Xmas forces people together who don't want to be?

wineislife21 · 2021-12-02T16:25:05+00:00

I get that blood is thicker than water and everything... but my DH's family are just dysfunctional and unreliable and I always feel that having to see them over Xmas puts a downer on it for me. Maybe I am just being a negative Scrooge and not seeing all the good in Xmas? Anyone else force a smile through family get-togethers? (To make me feel better ☺️)

Pepsipepsi · 02/12/2021 16:33

The full quote is "the blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb" which actually means the opposite to what the shortened phrase means. I.E. Friends we choose can be closer than family that is forced upon us. Life's too short to spend with people you don't like in my opinion.

LucentBlade · 02/12/2021 16:41

Yes, DH family.

His parents divorced when he was at University and they had been broken up for a decade when we had our first Christmas all together. Their youngest child, DH was 29 but they still got together for Christmas. It meant for a really awful, veiled undercurrent that made me feel very on edge. MIL was extremely nervy and had really weird behaviour, it wasn’t till later it became very obvious what a bullying bastard FIL was, she revealed she had been on anti depressants before she left him. After years of that shit and an awful miscarriage at Christmas where I almost died from complications I refused to ever spend Christmas with the bunch of them again. Fortunately FIL is now dead, sounds awful to say but he was really nasty. Unfortunately SIL is made in his own image and now bullies MIL. She has just had 10k out of MIL who will be selling her home as she is running out of money due to financing SIL. Basically DH is lovely just like his Mum and SIL is an absolute shithead just like her Father. My MIL is a bit crazy round her DD still, it’s because she is scared of her really. MIL said she loves it when it’s just us as she can be herself. When I read some of the relationships threads on here where women are losing their minds and suffering MH issues it’s very obvious my MIL was and still is to an extent just like those women.

Chely · 02/12/2021 16:50

Yep, so many people annoy the crap out of me. Family parties at other times of year are as bad.
Now we have covid fear added on top which is an added annoyance, so sick of hearing "stay safe" like no... I'm gonna run down the motorway you fucktard! My aunt looked terrified when holding my baby because she though someone said baby was ill, she was not and nobody said such a thing ffs.

Naughtynovembertree · 02/12/2021 16:58

Oh goodness yes!!
Mn is full of dils being carted off hundreds of miles from home to be treated like door mats, often served smaller portions by Mil than the men folk, given second hand weight loss books.

JudgeJ · 02/12/2021 17:00

@Naughtynovembertree

Oh goodness yes!! Mn is full of dils being carted off hundreds of miles from home to be treated like door mats, often served smaller portions by Mil than the men folk, given second hand weight loss books.

And I'm sure that there are plenty men who get dragged to their in-laws unwillingly and get some naff presents.

Simonjt · 02/12/2021 17:10

My inlaws are visiting over xmas, they stayed for a whole week in November, they live abroad, so 🤞🏽 covid stops their visit.

They’re not bad people, they’re just really irritating and you feel like your home is no longer your home as you can’t just be yourself and stick to your own routine.

Atmywitsend29 · 02/12/2021 17:19

We see DH family, obviously not last Christmas because we were in a tier 3 area. He doesn't get on with his older brother so we don't see them. But we see the rest

I don't have any family local, brother lives abroad, sister is opposite side of the UK, and I have nothing to do with my mother or any of her relatives. Father died years ago and haven't spoken to his relatives since.

I won't ever force myself to see or speak to people I have nothing to do with the rest of the year. I had enough of that when I did have contact with my mother and her lot.

Much happier now it's me, DH, DS, we see DH family one day which is lovely, and then we have our "family" here...usually a bunch of close friends, or friends who have nowhere else to go, or friends who can't or don't want to cook, friends who would otherwise be alone. Etc. This year, restrictions allowing, we wil have a family Christmas with a handful of our closest friends here.

AnneLovesGilbert · 02/12/2021 17:23

You can free yourself from it. If they don’t add positivity to your day/life you don’t have to spend time with them.

I expect last year showed an awful lot of people how happy and peaceful Christmas can be when the apparent obligations are taken away.

Ragwort · 02/12/2021 17:31

No ... I've managed to get to the age of 63 without sharing Christmas with people I don't like ... perhaps I am just very lucky but we've never done 'duty' visits, there are sides of both families that we are not very close to but it's never been expected that we spend any time together over Christmas. I am sure they are just as relieved as we are .

SinisterBumFacedCat · 02/12/2021 17:33

YANBU

peboh · 02/12/2021 18:02

No I don't. Perhaps as a child and teen when you have no say. As a married adult dh and I control who we see at Xmas, and we choose when and where. I think it's silly to complain and put up with it when you can change the situation.

Just10moreminutesplease · 02/12/2021 18:07

@Pepsipepsi

The full quote is "the blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb" which actually means the opposite to what the shortened phrase means. I.E. Friends we choose can be closer than family that is forced upon us. Life's too short to spend with people you don't like in my opinion.

‘Blood of the covenant’ means the blood of Christ. The phrase means that your loyalty should be to Christianity over your family…

I’m not sure that it was intended to be applied to friends in general .

SoSoTiredToday · 02/12/2021 18:18

Christmas was always uncomfortable and dysfunctional for me! But now mum has died, I miss the dysfunctionality and awkwardness of it all! I'd do anything for one more hellish Christmas with her

MsAwesomeDragon · 02/12/2021 18:25

I don't like mil particularly, and couldn't stand her husband when he was alive (an abusive alcoholic who used to fall asleep while smoking so was constantly a fire risk). We don't do Christmas Day together, but we often do/did boxing Day at her house. I had a huge argument with her in May, so I'm no longer welcome in her house (because I called her a racist when she said something that was out and out racist). So I'm spared this year 😊

DH hasn't had any arguments with my family so he has to come to our family get together (not on Christmas Day, but close to it). He's not their greatest fan, but he'll put up with it for one day a year. We purposely live close enough that all visits are one day only, but far enough away that nobody can just pop in.

simpledeer · 02/12/2021 18:28

To some extent, yes, although I think some people need to improve their boundaries with family.

This year I would imagine many people will be getting "last minute Covid symptoms" and having to order a PCR and self isolate in peace and tranquillity

Amen to that!

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 02/12/2021 18:29

Oh goodness yes!!
Mn is full of dils being carted off hundreds of miles from home to be treated like door mats, often served smaller portions by Mil than the men folk, given second hand weight loss books.

This made me laugh! It’s very true, especially on Mn, but

I’m sure husbands get pain in the arse visits too - I guess they aren’t shoved in the kitchen and expected to wait on people while the women go to the pub or given tiny portions as compared to their wife (who doesn’t insist on swapping/ sharing it) though

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 02/12/2021 18:30

I’ve had two Christmas visits to my family recently whee my brother has ruined it by being in a mood - one where said brother wasn’t even there! It does put a person off Christmas

Wolfiefan · 02/12/2021 18:32

Christmas doesn’t have a gun to your head! You can say no.
When we were kids we spent one year with grandparents and the next home. The journey was hellish. Kids were bored. There was always a row.
Bugger that! As an adult I won’t force myself to do something that makes me miserable.

underneaththeash · 02/12/2021 18:40

I have to spend every Christmas with my MIL as she lives 400 miles away and DH is an only child.
She’s one of those people who ‘means well’ but is deeply annoying and we do not get on.

But, I would never leave her on her own at Christmas.

theelephantinthegroup · 02/12/2021 18:47

@Pepsipepsi

The full quote is "the blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb" which actually means the opposite to what the shortened phrase means. I.E. Friends we choose can be closer than family that is forced upon us. Life's too short to spend with people you don't like in my opinion.

I never realised that! It's a favourite comment in my extended family (usually when expecting someone to put up with shitty treatment and smile).

OP- I spent many Christmases travelling to my parents house and helping them host my arsehole brother and his family, and assorted obnoxious members of the extended family. My mum always wanted a Big Happy Family christmas and if I ever complained about their behaviour I was blamed for spoiling things. If I said I was doing something else I got emotional blackmail (how will your mum cope etc). I always felt shattered- physically and emotionally and the run up to Christmas still gives me a feeling of dread that I try to shake off. When I had my own DC I was determined not to make them encounter these dysfunctional Christmases. Nowadays we do have MIL over for the day (wouldn't really be my choice, as everything has to be very traditional- but don't want to leave her on her own) but otherwise do exactly as we please. We see my DP when their other guests have left. I know they find it harder without my help but have had to accept that they could change things if they chose to.

IAAP · 02/12/2021 18:52

I won’t do it any more this year youngest is with his dad and other one with me- we have been invited to a friend for Xmas lunch - we will potter over and have lunch and then walk back - no drama with parents, family presents, cards or any other shit. Netflix and heating on max !

Keepingtheseatwarm · 02/12/2021 18:56

@underneaththeash

I have to spend every Christmas with my MIL as she lives 400 miles away and DH is an only child. She’s one of those people who ‘means well’ but is deeply annoying and we do not get on.

But, I would never leave her on her own at Christmas.

I'd send DH on his own but then I've had my fill of awkward Christmases.
I usually make sure I'm working now. Or say I am when I'm not!

PermanentTemporary · 02/12/2021 18:59

Christmas definitely puts the fun into dysfunctional. Tbh now that my Dad is dead it will never be quite as bad again, though my mum is now so cognitively impaired that she needs specialist care and I'm really not sure that we'll even be able to have Christmas at home at all - I might have to go to the nursing home and farm poor ds out to a friend tbh he looked really cheerful at the idea and we have another nursing home visit to MIL on Boxing Day.

Meanwhile my boyfriend will be spending the day with his ex-wife and adult children, which at least means I'm not expected to fit in with them.

Tbh I have reached the point where I look for Christmas moments - there will always be wonderful half hours here and there.

Keepingtheseatwarm · 02/12/2021 18:59

@theelephantinthegroup my mum always wanted a Big Happy Family Christmas and if I ever complained about their behaviour I was blamed for spoiling things
Oh me too! Solidarity, sister ♥️