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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

FIL angry we aren't seeing him

24 replies

Bluebindays · 02/12/2021 15:08

DH has started receiving texts and letters from FIL saying he wants to see us and DC and that covid has changed his perspective on life.

He divorced MIL when DH was 15 and was never really involved in his life. Dh has many stories of spiteful things FIL did to him growing up. FIL barely sees his own family, I don't think he's seen them in years before covid.

He has met DC twice. DC is now 6. He had the chance just before the pandemic but wouldn't come one spot on the tube to see him.

Basically I don't want to see him. I find him odd, and I don't like him. I don't think he is a nice person. He is dreadful to his own Mother, has barely ever had a job. I don't want an awkward meeting with DC for someone who hasn't bothered with us for years. I don't want it to change DCs perception of themselves that they are related to this odd person.

I suspect that FIL and his new wife have developed this obsession with seeing us as they love conflict and this is basically their latest gripe with the world. DC is also very charming and I don't think they will be content with a 'once in a blue moon' meeting. The wife has started calling ky husband at work trying to have it out over the phone. The truth is we are very busy, but I also really don't want to see them. Any advice?

OP posts:

Original poster

Bluebindays · 02/12/2021 15:10

A few more points. He is dreadful to my DH. Says he is fat (he isnt). Going bald (he isnt). Refuses to acknowledge any of the success of DH and tries to make out he is a chump for working long hours.

OP posts:

simpledeer · 02/12/2021 15:14

Christ! No of course you aren't BU to want to protect your precious DC to an arsehole like this!!

So long as DH is onside just try to minimise contact/block/avoid and hope they give up soon.

JovialNickname · 02/12/2021 15:31

You're completely not being unreasonable not wanting to see him. But what does your DH think? Your post is all about you thinking he's awful and (understandably) not wanting to see him, but he's your husband's dad so I would be guided by what he wants

Obsidiansphere · 02/12/2021 15:33

Get your dh to block them and go nc.

TyrannosaurusRights · 02/12/2021 15:44

I think its quite acceptable to say you don’t want DC messed about. DH can rebuild the relationship with his father if he wants, and you will support that. If in a year or so you’ve seen consistent effort and good behaviour with no red flags from his father you might choose to reconsider if you want to slowly reintroduce your child to his grandfather.

Notice the words IF and MIGHT. No promises.

MacmillanMO · 02/12/2021 15:48

Wtf? Tell him to eff off.

TheCovidScoorge · 02/12/2021 15:48

No. Block them and go NC.
Why would you consider it when he's dragging your poor DH down with insults every chance he gets?

HanSB · 02/12/2021 15:57

It doesn't sound like any of you have anything to gain from a relationship with this man. Why should your DH reintroduce contact with his father who is horrible to him. Why subject him to that and introduce your child to that kind of behaviour. I would keep my distance and if they keep bothering you and DH about it, to be honest about the reason why.

Original poster

Bluebindays · 02/12/2021 16:45

Thanks for the replies. The letters we receive all suggest we are denying DC a relationship with him. My feelings tend towards what @TyrannosaurusRights suggested. That if they want they xan rebuild the relationship and then I will think about it.

DH is very supportive to me generally, but he is busy at work at the moment and I think he wants wants this all sorted- so to see his Dad. I honestly think once they met DC then they won't stop, especially since now they know it is a source of conflict. DH suggested meeting at another family members House (who they haven't seen in years) and they really didn't want to

OP posts:

Obsidiansphere · 02/12/2021 18:38

He doesn’t have a right to a relationship with his gc…based on what you’ve written about him I wouldn’t let him see the gc…

Santaischeckinglists · 02/12/2021 18:44

Bin letters unread and block him. Tell work to say you have left..
Sounds unhinged. I would be guessing he has rewritten history to his new dw...

TonTonMacoute · 02/12/2021 18:47

Their behaviour is already raising lots of concerns, I would totally avoid.

Perhaps your DH could have a meeting face to face to test the water first, then take it from there. If they behave badly during that meeting you have the perfect excuse to say no. They do not have a right to see your DCs.

PastMyBestBeforeDate · 02/12/2021 18:54

DH can test the water if he wants but he needs to agree that your dc cannot be exposed to FIL until he's proved himself to be reliable. Surely DH can understand how hurtful it would be for dc to be messed around by FIL.

IncompleteSenten · 02/12/2021 18:54

If it was me, I'd write a complete list of all the ways he's fucked up and end with so for those reasons I don't want a relationship with you or for you to gain access to my children.

I had to do something quite similar many years back. Sometimes the best option is burn those bridges because the alternative is far far worse.

southlondoner02 · 02/12/2021 18:55

If DH wants to build a relationship then it would be advisable for him to do that first before any meetings with your DC. That way you can see how serious FIL is before potentially subjecting your DC to a relationship which might not be in their interests.

However, the fact that they are pushing this in the way they are doesn't bode well. Id steer clear if I were you

Restart10 · 02/12/2021 19:00

He sounds very toxic and I wouldn't want him to have a relationship with my dc. If your dh chooses to have one, then he needs to manage that himself and see how that goes. He doesn't get to dump this man on you all, just because he can't confront the issues.

AdoraBell · 02/12/2021 19:13

If your DH wants to rebuild a relationship with his father he can. Then once it’s a good relationship he can introduce the DC.

If his father keeps being abusive he can tell him to fuck off. You can support your DH and agree that if the abuse continues your DC will not be exposed to it.

arethereanyleftatall · 02/12/2021 19:18

Tough shit on him. Shouldn't have treated you all like shit for years. You reap what you sow.
I'm bored of women bending over backward to make awful men happy now.

Dillydollydingdong · 02/12/2021 19:20

Why on earth does FIL think you would want to see him or let DC be exposed to his toxicity? Just say no.

SW1amp · 02/12/2021 19:23

How often does his wife call?
I would take the call and calmly explain that someone who walks away from their family when their son is just a child is not someone you want around your children, and he had his chance to prove himself, but didn’t
And the more angry he is getting now, the more he is proving that it’s the right decision to keep him away from you all

Then block and forget about the pair of loons

AnneLovesGilbert · 02/12/2021 19:24

The letters we receive all suggest we are denying DC a relationship with him.

Yep, because you’re good parents who put your child’s needs first.

Good grandparents are great. Bad ones are damaging.

No one gets near my child who doesn’t behave well towards me.

I had grandparents who didn’t have a kind word to say about my parents. My mum’s mum seemed motivated by such hatred towards my dad in her final years it seemed to be what was keeping her alive. They’d been divorced 20+ years by then, mum and dad get on well, and she hadn’t seen him in years but to hear her trying to trash his character was something to behold and very upsetting even though I was an adult by then.

No one should be around your son who says horrible things to you or your husband.

Neither of you should feel bad for saying no or just ignoring it. Contacting your DH at work is very fucking out of order. Who does she think she is?!

wavingwhilstdrowning · 02/12/2021 19:34

I was in a similar situation. I told DH that he could see them if he wanted but that they weren't allowed to see DC. DH didn't see them, they wenrt berserk and called me. I told them bluntly that I didn't want to see them and they should leave me alone. They were so gobsmacked they did.
They are rude unpleasant bullies so I advise you teach your DC resilience and boundaries by firmly holding the line.

2catsandhappy · 02/12/2021 19:48

Your dh is an adult. He could manage and control an adult meeting with the other adults.
No need for dc to be involved yet, or at all.

billy1966 · 02/12/2021 20:13

Hard to believe you would consider having this awful man near your precious child.

I would tell your busy husband that it will not be happening in any shape or form.

His father is entitled to NOTHING and that is exactly what he will get getting.

That ship sailed decades ago.

Block them all and refuse further post.

If YOU do not like drama, you will not consider this for a moment.

This man is NOTHING to you.

This man will bring NOTHING but grief, upset and confusion to your family.

This is one of those times when YOU need to parent and say NO, NOT Happening.

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