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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Bullying at work

15 replies

Jourdain11 · 01/12/2021 23:43

If you felt you were being picked on by your line manager... for things which were either not your fault or not reasonable... and being undermined and "told off" in an open plan office... and it was constant and really making you not too happy... what would be an appropriate thing to do?

OP posts:
thesockfromtheroof · 01/12/2021 23:50

Approach HR / line manager's manager / union / freedom to speak up guardian, depending on where you work

If you don't feel up to raising it, start looking for another job

BurntO · 01/12/2021 23:52

Speak to your line manager first. If they aren’t seeing the issue and won’t resolve you speak with their manager

AnFiadhRua · 01/12/2021 23:53

hmm, that is tricky. I think that going above their head can escalate the bad feeling even though it can rein the bully in. It might also make things a lot worse before they get better.

Could you use the ''shine a light on it technique''?

eg

''I feel like you give everything I do a negative interpretation and never a positive one, is that your intention?

If they say ''oh no no I just blah blah blah'' say ''well I'm glad it's not your intention!'' and ignore the rest.

This sounds like such an insignificant exchange but it puts them on notice that you're not quite the door mat they had you pegged for.

The publicly shaming you is awful. If they do that again ask them
''I feel like you're trying to shame me. Is that your intention?''

And tune out what they say. Some gobblegook. Don't react. Hear it out. Don't respond. Do a bland nod. What they say next, not the point, the point is that you shone a light on precisely what they're doing that's shit.

They won't like that.

AnFiadhRua · 01/12/2021 23:55

ps, forgot to underline, when using this technique, after you've asked them the question, and they respond in some defensive way do not get drawn in to that dialogue. That'll just be a row. Instead your intention is to let them know that you have a very clear sight about what they're doing and you have a habit of saying it out loud to them.

Original poster
Jourdain11 · 01/12/2021 23:59

Thank you, that's good advice.

Confrontation is definitely useless. Today I said that being called a liability made me feel bad and they said they felt I was getting at them Hmm

OP posts:
chelle0 · 02/12/2021 00:05

I would probably publicly humiliate them back. Some bully's are so surprised when you bite back and aren't going to take their bullshit they leave you alone.

I realise that's probably the most non HR way of dealing with things but it has worked for me before.

BluebellsGreenbells · 02/12/2021 00:17

I’d repeat back exactly what they say

‘You think I’ve broken the photocopier?’
‘You think I’ve drank all the milk?’

And wait for their reply - it’s used so they ‘hear’ what they’ve just said and aren’t expecting to justify their comments …. Works a treat - try it!!

It becomes too awkward for them to say these things so they stop!!

AnFiadhRua · 02/12/2021 00:19

@Jourdain11

Thank you, that's good advice.

Confrontation is definitely useless. Today I said that being called a liability made me feel bad and they said they felt I was getting at them Hmm

Oh they sound like a narcissist.

They can call you a narcissist but you cannot have a reaction to that. If you have a reaction to their insult, you're getting at them!

Wow. You're pushing water uphill here.

AnFiadhRua · 02/12/2021 00:19

Sorry, they can call you a liability I mean.

AnFiadhRua · 02/12/2021 00:22

@Jourdain11

Thank you, that's good advice.

Confrontation is definitely useless. Today I said that being called a liability made me feel bad and they said they felt I was getting at them Hmm

Next time you use the repeat back/shine a light on it technique, don't bring your feelings in to it, other than, I feel like you're.......... and then focus on what they just did or said.

If you tell them that their actions make you feel bad they'll see you as weak.

Being called a liability at work by your line manager is awful.

This situation is not ''nuanced''. This person is definitely just plain insulting you and doing it publicly.

WorraLiberty · 02/12/2021 00:24

@BurntO

Speak to your line manager first. If they aren’t seeing the issue and won’t resolve you speak with their manager
This ^^

And copy your union rep in if you have one.

YerWanIsGettinNotions · 02/12/2021 07:27

I had exactly this, I didn't know what to do. I always felt like I was getting black marks I could never erase and nothing good mattered. On the phone with clients it would be "what's that stupid girl done now?" Even when, on investigation, it wasn't my fault. He’d tell me to do something and throw me under the bus if someone was unhappy, as if I'd gone rogue.

When I eventually looked for help, and the other partners spoke to him, he was utterly jubilant the next day, because he'd won. It didn't stop though.

I needed the job and could not quit - it was the last step in my professional qualification and I stuck it out for two years. And then once I had it, I was so unhappy I left that career behind for a decade.

AnFiadhRua · 02/12/2021 07:41

Narcissists always have to be crushing a scapegoat.

It used to always be me but ive been through it about 4 or 5 times now, ive a feeling i will deal with it better the next time.

Trouble is, if you deal with it stylishly without making yrslf look bad, that will enrage them, and may result in the silent treatment.

That is how a narcissist reacts when they are surprised that you are better able to hold yr own against them than they had anticipated when they targetted you as the patsygoat who was going to make them feel good about them self.
So their next arrow in their quiver is the silent treatment. Just in case you dont notice, 😂 the bully will be love bombing all others around you to highlight their ghosting of you.

Iamnotamermaid · 02/12/2021 07:56

I have been through this a couple of times. Once it was noticed by management and handled (sort of). Second time (new management) it was not recognised and my one, over whelming regret, is that I did not make a formal complaint. Keep a diary and if there are witnesses, make a note. Funnily enough, both parties never thought they were in the wrong. Both 100% believe that they were behaving correctly.

Either complain to their manager or HR. Better still if others are noticing it and not happy with how you are being treated get them to complain as well. In my experience these situations never resolve themselves.

simpledeer · 02/12/2021 08:11

Trade Union Rep?

HR?

Flowers it sounds awful.

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