I can't be happy for them

[bbqpringle]

Nc for this because I'd hate for this to ever get back and I'm so ashamed of the way I'm feeling.

SIL announced to the family a couple of weeks ago that she was pregnant, everyone was in tears, including me, but they weren't happy tears. I felt a horrible sudden surge of sadness and jealousy. Of course I never said a word just congratulated them and made out they were happy tears.

The thing is I've no idea why I'm feeling this way and I'm desperate to feel happy and excited for them. I haven't dared say a word to my husband, he is absolutely ecstatic to become an uncle, and rightly so. We have a 2 yo DC of our own so it isn't like we haven't been able to have children of our own, although her birth was quite traumatic so maybe my feelings are stemming from there. I honestly never expected to feel this way and it's completely knocked me it's all I can think about. I just can't make sense of it and I feel so ashamed for feeling like this at what should be a really happy time. Aibu to feel this way? Is there something wrong with me?!

Do you really have no idea why you were jealous and sad - enough to make you cry? It is an extreme reaction and particularly odd if there’s no reason for the jealousy. YABU on the face of it but you already know that - but worth exploring your feelings by talking to someone, either a friend to see if that helps - or a professional.

That’s a very extreme reaction if you have dc of your own, I was expecting reading your post that you were unable to have children or were currently struggling to conceive.

I don't think you're wrong to feel this way; has it brought up some feelings about your Dds birth and the likelihood/reality of another baby for you? You mentioned it was traumatic. Perhaps this has been a catalyst for you? Definitely worth working through with someone kind.

I agree with Kelly. There is obviously a reason why you're feeling this way about your SIL. Are you worried that your child will get left out? Are you trying for a baby yourself and she got pregnant before you?

If it's not that you're currently TTC or are unable to have any future children, could it be that you are idealising the "perfect" birth your SIL may (in your head at least) have, and feeling sad/regretful that the first hours or days of your DD's life were coloured by your traumatic experience?

You feel what you feel and that's not unreasonable. I wouldn't tell anyone in your family about it but also don't be so hard on yourself. It might be worth exploring where these feelings are coming from. You are hurting. Be kind to yourself.

Honestly there wasn't a specific reason I could put my finger on, it was a very unexpected reaction.
I'm not worried at all about DD being left out, both of our families are huge there's plenty of love and attention to go around.
We're not currently trying although we'd both love another child I don't feel ready yet after what I went through with DD's birth. @Puddington your post makes a lot of sense so maybe that is where it's coming from, my SIL is the first person I know to be pregnant since I've had DD so maybe these feelings are all just coming to a head now.

@AliveAndSleeping Thankyou

I felt sad and put out when my sister announced she was expecting.

Although I'd been hoping with her fir two years as she tried!

In the end for me I realised it was because our relationship would change and I was sad about that and sad she told me by text not on the phone.

Just took me 3 to 4 weeks to get it straight in my head and I am now v excited and happy.

So just wait and see how your feelings settle. It doesn't mean you're weird or horrible. Change can be disconcerting.

It could well stem from your traumatic birth, I went through something similar. My birth to DS was awful, we nearly lost him, he spent months in hospital and there were nothing but problems for about 2 years (he's fine now mostly). My SIL and best friend both had babies within a year of mine and it all seemed so lovely and easy and perfect for them, just what you would imagine having a baby would be and much as I love mine I definitely had a very different experience. I felt like you do for a good while but it faded away with time. Don't judge yourself too harshly, you can't help how you feel xxx

Sometimes feelings seem to spring on us out of nowhere. I had completely unexpected jealousy of a friend's good fortune some years ago and I really get your conflict between the sudden emotions and knowing that they are completely inappropriate.

Grim, isn't it? It's like the Bad Fairy cursed you!

PPs have said much wiser things about what might have triggered this. I will just say, find yourself the most soothing, peaceful, tranquil image you can find (I had a photo which was nearly all shades of green)(ironically!) and concentrate on it as hard as you can for those times when you really need to get a grip on yourself.
As long as you behave OK, things will all turn out fine - the feeling will fade! Luckily people are self-absorbed enough that keeping schtum and occasionally saying "mm" or "lovely" will get you safely through.

Vent on here or to a diary. That helps a bit. But fighting to keep control of yourself helps, because it gets you back your self-esteem, to know you're trying to do the right thing.

@AliveAndSleeping

You feel what you feel and that's not unreasonable. I wouldn't tell anyone in your family about it but also don't be so hard on yourself. It might be worth exploring where these feelings are coming from. You are hurting. Be kind to yourself.

You feel what you feel and that's not unreasonable.

It's extremely unreasonable and I think even the OP knows that.

I agree with the rest of your post though.

Sometimes feelings like this can catch us out. I burst into tears when I found out my friend was pregnant with her second child earlier this year. I have two children myself so it wasn’t jealousy as such, but I lost a baby inbetween and seeing her have a second child so easily and without any loss obviously triggered me more than I ever thought it would. I can relate to feeling like a horrible person but at the end of the day that’s how you feel so just give yourself time to get your head round the news. I’m sure in time you will feel truly happy for them.