To be embarrassed of my cold hearted parents

[isaygoodbyeyousayhello]

Looking for some wisdom and support!

I recently became a mum for the first time, a little baby girl. Much wanted and long awaited. I have never had a good relationship with either of my parents. It wasn’t a happy household when I was growing up, they were both emotionally neglectful and manipulative, and were both misanthropes / loners in their own way. As a result my childhood was pretty joyless and felt more like a prison. My Mum especially seemed to resent me having friends and no one was welcomed into the house, quite the opposite in fact. For about two years in my teens she would blank me and we totally ignored each other - it just became normal after a while. My Dad was angry and bullied all members of his family by picking on them and making fun of them, even today he doesn’t take me seriously or recognise anything I have achieved. Throughout my childhood I was never given very much steering or encouragement, and was pretty much left to get on with my life and make my own choices from around 11/12. As a result, I don’t have a lot of confidence in myself today, for example I just managed to pass my driving test after telling myself for years that wasn’t for me.

My parents split when I was in my early twenties and over the years, I have developed a relationship with my mother and see her a few times a year, text regularly etc. She has told me a lot of stuff about my Dad that makes me dislike him and help me understand why she acted like she did, and have been no contact with him for a few years now for those reasons and that he just never made very much effort with me. When me and my partner bought a house, I asked for some help (he’s a builder) and he just ignored me. And before that he was generally unpleasant everytime I saw him for 10 years so I gave up and tbh my self esteem improved. It’s worth saying neither of them have ever given me any significant amount of money, despite being pretty well off.

Fast forward to now, I have a new baby daughter and getting married in the summer. My partners family are all so excited about the baby, they’ve been desperate to come and visit us, bought so many presents, all wanted cuddles, so many compliments about her, ask for photos/vids, like my posts and are generally very interested.

My parents have been the complete opposite. My Mum expected me to come visit her (she has just had an op but still a long hour drive with a new born isn’t that easy a few weeks post partum) and when I got there she wasn’t excited. When she held her it was like she’d never held a baby. She couldn’t be bothered. Even my partner asked why she wasn’t excited. I wondered if she was like this with me when i was a baby? She didn’t give any compliments either about my baby or me - you know the normal stuff ‘oh isn’t she cute’ or ‘you’re doing so well’. She didn’t even smile at her. However she did say that she looked nothing like (‘she looks like the other one’ meaning my partner, not even saying his name!) and asked me when I am going to get her on formula, currently I am breast feeding exclusively (which my mum pretty told me she couldn’t be bothered to do when I was born). Not ‘well done’.

We recently had a bit of scare with my daughters health, and we had to go into hospital for tests and wait around to be told the results, it was a very serious condition they were testing for. She didn’t wish us luck or even check in that day, but asked casually a few days later and had zero sympathy for me/us and what we’d been through those few days. All of this has really upset me.

As for my Dad, he’s sent a card and that’s it. No request to see her. No offer to buy us anything or a present.

I just wondered if this is normal behaviour? I feel so sad that neither of my parents seem to care about their grand daughter. I really fear I will end up being a bad parent because of how they raised me. I have good days and bad but I feel cursed somehow.

Beyond this, i am getting married next summer and we’re talking about family involvement. My parents know literally no one in my life (my dad hasn’t even met my partner) - I think they both came to visit me once in the city where I lived for 15 years. We’re having a big wedding (neither parent is contributing anything), and have a lot of very fun extroverted friends, and if I am honest, I would prob prefer to give their places to someone far less toxic but it’s not the done thing right? I want my wedding to be full of joy and fun, and can’t see how they fit into that. I just feel so different to them and almost embarrassed to introduce them to my friends as they are so cold and my friends are so warm.

I’ve not long had a baby and feeling really down about my family. My mum hasn’t even asked me how I am doing emotionally / physically, maybe I put on a brave front but aren’t mums supposed to be there for their daughters when they have a baby?

Any advice would be appreciated on how to navigate all this. Thank you!

I think you should stop bothering to be honest. If your parents want you in their life then let them show that.

They sound utterly vile.

It’s your wedding and you can invite who you want. They have been very neglectful parents and don’t deserve to have you or your beautiful baby in their lives.

Op you sound lovely and like you have a lovely family with a caring partner and baby. I would honestly not invite your parents to your wedding. You will have a much better day without them and you know if they are there you will end up upset by something they say or don’t say.

There are lots of ways around this to not be so obvious re a top table of just bridal party not family etc.

I would consider also going very low contact with both. I know they are your parents but they have been so cruel to you your whole life and now you are on mumsnet upset instead of enjoying the time with your newborn (not blaming you for this just saying it as an example of how being rid of them could improve things for you).

I wouldn’t waste time on the ‘done thing’ for weddings. Presumably anyone who knows you knows it’s not a close relationship. What anyone else thinks doesn’t matter.

So my advice is no parents invited to wedding. Low contact with your mother. Enjoy your lovely life.

Hi Op, I don't really know what would work for you but I think if I were you I would throw myself into my new family, eg partners family. They sound really welcoming and nurturing and what you need after your experience with your own parents.
It sounds like you have lots of lovely friends too to support you.
As for the wedding, you don't owe your parents an invite, if they're not interested then perhaps they shouldn't be there. If you are doing the traditional church thing, ask some good friends to 'give you away' and give speeches. Surround yourself with those that love, appreciate and support you.
Stay in contact with them for history's sake of you want but they don't really deserve you.

They are nowhere near normal, from what you've said. I think it might be perfectly safe to invite them to your wedding because they seem hugely unlikely to come, but why bother? You are happy and they don't seem to know how - this is sad for them but not your responsibility.
Have a lovely wedding and don't tell them anything about it and then you don't have to ask them.

I'm sorry they are so shit, no wonder you are hurting so much.
There's a thread called 'stately homes' you would be interested in.

Congratulations on your baby! I've never had a good relationship with my parents and what your parents are doing is in no way normal. You need to do what makes you happy and focus on your family. It's up to them to be involved in your life it's not your job. Their relationship with you and your family is not your responsibility, it is theirs. I wouldn't even bother inviting them to the wedding. The wedding is about you and your partner. Good luck

How brilliant you are to have this wonderful future full of love and warmth to enjoy. What a triumph. Amazing. Enjoy it and get some counselling so you can be at peace with where you hold them so they can do no harm and you have no expectations.

Just cut them out completely. Your daughter will thank you for it and it's for your own benefit. Fill your wedding with the lovely family you have chosen to be part of your life. You sound like a beautiful kind mammy.

Op you have a family. You have a beautiful daughter and a wonderful partner that you are soon going to marry in what sounds like a lovely wedding surrounded by people who love you. And you have your partners family who love you and your daughter.

So they are your family. You aren’t missing anything with your cold, uninvolved parents because you have so much with the others in your life who do live and care about it you enough to be involved.

It’s your parents loss and you should try not to feel bad about their disinterested attitude. It’s their loss, not yours. Not your daughters. It’s absolutely 100% their loss.

Get married and tell them afterwards, when/if they initiate contact. Don't worry about being like them - you are obviously not.

It isn't normal but you know that. They both sound very selfish and the type of folk that should never have had a child!

On the other hand you've made a lovely life for yourself, and have a lovely family and friends. I know I'd find it hard too esp when his family are so involved and loving etc. You just need to make peace with the fact that your parents aren't interested and rather toxic and move on. Go very low contact.

Honestly I wouldn't invite either to the wedding. They will no doubt only make u upset when they can't say anything nice or even be nice to other people and embarrass you.

Enjoy your baby and the lovely life you have and forget about them.

The "done thing" is to support your kids, make them feel loved and encourage them even if you have no money. As your parents failed to do the done thing then you have absolutely no obligation to include them . Enjoy your wedding with the people who you share your life with.

You have your own family now, Just do what you want to do, not what you think you should. Your parents can't give you what you need.

I am so sorry, this sounds really painful. But -

1. you need to let go of ideas about what parents should be like. Holding on to them will just keep you upset and hurt.
2. Your parents are selfish people. They are not going to change. In some way sit may be a blessing (although I appreciate it may not feel like it). But would you really want your precious child to be influenced by them?
3. it is your wedding. You don't owe them anything and you don't need to invite them to anything you don't want to. Do yourself a favour and enjoy the lovely friends without the toxic presence of people who have hurt you so much.
4. Try to cultivate kindness to yourself. When we are rejected by our parents, there is always a hurt part of ourselves that stays that young child trying to work out what we did or what is wrong with us to have caused them to behave like they do (been there, got the tee shirt). It is NOT your fault. You are lovely enough to have a partner, friends and lots of people who demonstrably love and care about you. When you feel upset, ask yourself what that child needs and concentrate on comfort and caring for yourself.

Take care. I am sorry that you had this experience. But I am glad for you that you have made your own family.

Op a new baby is a time if renewal. It's very natural to reach out to people who you have previously had a difficult relationship with. Sometimes I guess it works but nothing has changed really they still carry on being who they are.
I suggest you lower your expectations and think hard about the level of relationship you want?
I would suggest very low contact and don't expect anything at all. Why for instance would she bother to ask how your baby is? She has shown herself to be a troubled person?

Your extremely lucky it seems with your dh family... Look forward them, enjoy your baby with them and don't allow yourself to be hurt.

These days the wedding a couple have is mostly completely up to them.Both my sons are married. They had completely different weddings. Both had exactly what they wanted , invited /didn't invite who they wanted.My eldest son did not invite his grandmother or anyone else on his fathers side because he didn't want them there. Gone are the days of getting married from your parents house and having little input into your day. We gave money to them to spend as they wished because we wanted to and could afford to. We didn't expect or want any say in how it was spent. Your family sound horrendous Op. You don't seem to gain much by trying to have a relationship with them and you would probably find the world to be a much lovelier place with just your partners family. As far as parenting goes. My sons had a father who was useless. Their little mantra when they had a decision to make was "what would dad do?" If they were about to do something their dad would have done they stopped and did the opposite. You can do the same and you will be a fabulous parent. Xx

"I really fear I will end up being a bad parent because of how they raised me. I have good days and bad but I feel cursed somehow."

Please don't feel this way - you obviously adore your daughter and will be a brilliant mum. Having your partner's lovely family on board will be a great emotional environment for her to grow up in, and you and your partner will be a team bringing her up.

The only good thing that comes from a shit childhood is you know exactly what not to do when raising your own.

Don’t invite them, you owe them nothing.
Your already a better parent than they was, it’s very unlikely you will follow the same pattern.

So sorry op, a lot of this resonates with me. You sound so lovely! I echo the suggestions of previous posters to see your partners family as your family now 💜

Please could someone link the Stately homes group? I can’t find it

Your main concern is your own family and you sound like you’re doing mighty fine.Leave your parents to wallow in their own misery.Your childhood sounds heartbreaking.I’d get married and tell them afterwards and keep contact minimal.Them not being involved in your Daughters life is their loss, it’s not really surprising though, if they weren’t loving parents, they are not going to be loving Grandparents unless they have had a personality bypass.I will never understand these type of people, you’ve done amazing to be the loving, kind person you are.

Your mother sounds like my grandmother. Some adults are not ment to be parents. It can be insight on how your childhood and it can be insight to see.

It depends on wgat you want from your mother to vhange get behavior so you can develope a better family b

I wouldn’t bother with them again. Sadly, they won’t change. Focus on your friends and your own family.

Thanks so much for all your comments, it means so much actually.

I'm not far off 40 and still coming to terms with my childhood, I still don't really understand why my parents had kids!

I've made a lot of mistakes in my life, had a lot of therapy and done a lot of soul searching but now see it's time to focus on my own family and move past all the horrible stuff from when they controlled me and the subsequent PTSD that I suffered. All I know is that this inter generational trauma has the potential to stop with me, and I am going to do everything in my power to launch my little girl into the world, not give her a childhood she has to spend 20 years recovering from.

I don't have any desire to have a relationship with my father again. Not least cause he has really right wing views and is racist and sizeist, and I don't want my daughter to hear stuff like that.

My Mum blames my Dad for everything but I can see now she's cold hearted without his influence. I do also think she likes to isolate me. I doubt she can see how her envy manifests, it's not pretty, and she should've tried to be more self aware but unfortunately she's not changed.

The posters who said lower your expectations, exactly right. And defo reducing the contact we have. What's the point in her knowing stuff about our lives if she cannot add anything positive.

Thanks for those who shared the Stately Homes thread. Coincidentally I was dragged around stately homes all through my childhood. I have a feeling my 8 year old self would have preferred to do other things!

OP, well done for surviving them - they sound like awful people.

I agree, I’d probably cut them out and not invite them to my wedding. I’d embrace my inlaw family and take pleasure in the lovely family you’ve created with your partner!

Just wanted to say I'm so sorry about this. You sound very level headed and like you've made a lovely life for yourself despite your upbringing. To be able to call this behavioir out, when it's your own parents, and build a different life for yourself is hard work!

I've had a similar experience, you're definitely not alone. Despite the abuse, there's still a guilt and sadness about not involving parents in certain things (and the desire to have a normal family, and that maybe they could have changed and be normal this once?) but you've got to take the least stressful option, which sounds like keeping them out of it. It's your day and you need to remember it for happy reasons. Surround yourself with good people who want to celebrate with you :)

Coincidentally one of my best friends also has an abusive mum who behaved appallingly on her wedding day. Constantly criticising everything and seemed like she just didn't want to be there. I will never forget her mum leaving the house just before my friend came downstairs all ready in her wedding dress, saying she didn't want to 'oooh and ahh at a dress' and that she'll 'see the dress all day' and just wanted to get to the church and get the 'boring formalities' out of the way. Totally spoiled things and my friend wishes she never invited them.