Looking for some wisdom and support!
I recently became a mum for the first time, a little baby girl. Much wanted and long awaited. I have never had a good relationship with either of my parents. It wasn’t a happy household when I was growing up, they were both emotionally neglectful and manipulative, and were both misanthropes / loners in their own way. As a result my childhood was pretty joyless and felt more like a prison. My Mum especially seemed to resent me having friends and no one was welcomed into the house, quite the opposite in fact. For about two years in my teens she would blank me and we totally ignored each other - it just became normal after a while. My Dad was angry and bullied all members of his family by picking on them and making fun of them, even today he doesn’t take me seriously or recognise anything I have achieved. Throughout my childhood I was never given very much steering or encouragement, and was pretty much left to get on with my life and make my own choices from around 11/12. As a result, I don’t have a lot of confidence in myself today, for example I just managed to pass my driving test at 38 after telling myself for years that wasn’t for me.
My parents split when I was 23 and over the years, I have developed a relationship with my mother and see her a few times a year, text regularly etc. She has told me a lot of stuff about my Dad that makes me dislike him and help me understand why she acted like she did, and have been no contact with him for a few years now for those reasons and that he just never made very much effort with me. When me and my partner bought a house, I asked for some help (he’s an electrician) and he just ignored me. And before that he was generally unpleasant everytime I saw him for 10 years so I gave up and tbh my self esteem improved. It’s worth saying neither of them have ever given me any significant amount of money, despite being pretty well off.
Fast forward to now, I have a new baby daughter and getting married in the summer. My partners family are all so excited about the baby, they’ve been desperate to come and visit us, bought so many presents, all wanted cuddles, so many compliments about her, ask for photos/vids, like my posts and are generally very interested.
My parents have been the complete opposite. My Mum expected me to come visit her (she has just had an op but still a 4 hour drive with a new born isn’t that easy 3 weeks post partum) and when I got there she wasn’t excited. When she held her it was like she’d never held a baby. She couldn’t be bothered. Even my partner asked why she wasn’t excited. I wondered if she was like this with me when i was a baby? She didn’t give any compliments either about my baby or me - you know the normal stuff ‘oh isn’t she cute’ or ‘you’re doing so well’. She didn’t even smile at her. However she did say that she looked nothing like (‘she looks like the other one’ meaning my partner, not even saying his name!) and asked me when I am going to get her on formula, currently I am breast feeding exclusively (which my mum pretty told me she couldn’t be bothered to do when I was born). Not ‘well done’.
We recently had a bit of scare with my daughters health, and we had to go into hospital for tests and wait around to be told the results, it was a very serious condition they were testing for. She didn’t wish us luck or even check in that day, but asked casually a few days later and had zero sympathy for me/us and what we’d been through those few days. All of this has really upset me.
As for my Dad, he’s sent a card and that’s it. No request to see her. No offer to buy us anything or a present.
I just wondered if this is normal behaviour? I feel so sad that neither of my parents seem to care about their grand daughter. I really fear I will end up being a bad parent because of how they raised me. I have good days and bad but I feel cursed somehow.
Beyond this, i am getting married next summer and we’re talking about family involvement. My parents know literally no one in my life (my dad hasn’t even met my partner) - I think they both came to visit me once in London when I lived there for 15 years. We’re having a big wedding (neither parent is contributing anything), and have a lot of very fun extroverted friends, and if I am honest, I would prob prefer to give their places to someone far less toxic but it’s not the done thing right. I want my wedding to be full of joy and fun, and can’t see how they fit into that. I just feel so different to them and almost embarrassed to introduce them to my friends as they are so cold and my friends are so warm.
I’ve not long had a baby and feeling really down about my family. My mum hasn’t even asked me how I am doing emotionally / physically, maybe I put on a brave front but aren’t mums supposed to be there for their daughters when they have a baby?
Any advice would be appreciated on how to navigate all this! Thank you.