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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DP being secretive and unfaithful

22 replies

SadBoii · 01/12/2021 18:46

This is my first time on here so I'm not sure how to ask this, but I recently discovered that DP had a work friend who is very interested in my DP and has explicitly said so, DP went to the extent of hiding these conversations from me, which straight away was a red flag, in the conversations I noticed that the worm friend asked multiple times, if DP was interested in them, DP instead of saying no, said "I can't answer that, I am in a relationship" which would appear to me, like DP is interested and doesn't want to admit it, after this and some other attempts from this work friend, they asked if DP would sleep with them, to which DP replied "if I was single maybe"
Am I overreacting? Or is this outright disrespectful behaviour?

OP posts:

Catastrophejane · 01/12/2021 18:55

It sounds like he’s attracted to this woman and has indulged in some flirting not thinking it would go anywhere.

The fact that he has said he’s in a relationship and for that reason it’s a ‘no’ is a positive imo.

How did you find out? Can you bring it up with him in a way that doesn’t sound like you’re snooping?

I suspect he’s being secretive because he may have been flirting so now doesn’t want to tell you.

But to be fair, I think even people in the most loving, committed relationships find others attractive- doesn’t mean they want to end their current relationship.

Sounds like your partner isn’t considering cheating even though he’s attracted to her.

Catastrophejane · 01/12/2021 18:59

PS - Pretty disrespectful in terms of the work friend.

Your DP less so. He hasn’t criticised you to this woman, or complained about your relationship. He has at least made it clear he’s in a relationship

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 01/12/2021 18:59

He may simply being a bit cowardly in that he doesn't want to upset her and start an argument by being blunt but is also trying to get her to back off.

He has made it clear that he is not available.

Thwackit · 01/12/2021 19:06

I’d actually be less inclined to roast him given his replies. He’s saying that he’s committed to you, I think to expect him to pretend there’s no spark at all to someone where there clearly is one isn’t feasible. He’s not going to reply ‘no, not ever.’ He’s acknowledging it exists but also saying that won’t act on it. The next step is to make him extract himself from this so his willpower isn’t chipped away.

Before all the indignant posters come along on the attack with their ‘LTB’ comments and questioning why you should be with someone with willpower that might cave, I believe that humans can be given temptations that test them and it can take a lot to resist. Don’t underestimate the flattery that comes from someone finding him attractive. He’s resisting her when it’s being put on a plate. That says something. She, however, is a fucking disgrace. She knows he’s married and is deliberately trying to get him to cheat. I think I’d be spelling out her shitty character and what he has to lose.

Whatabambam · 01/12/2021 19:08

I think he should say that he is happily in a relationship. It's almost like he's blaming not wanting to sleep with her on his situation, not because he is in a committed relationship. Yes, I would be worried and upset in your position. It's good to know that he has at least kept her at arms length which is positive but I am sorry that you are going through this OP. The other woman needs to remind herself that it is never okay to knowingly make a move on someone else's husband although ultimately the responsibility will lie with your partner.

MrsFoxyplease · 01/12/2021 19:13

He could have shut this down completely with "NO, I'm happily married"
Instead he's enjoying the ego boost so teasing with the 'If I was single' and the coy not wanting to answer the question line.
He's loving it.

Malibuismysecrethome · 01/12/2021 19:16

Sounds like he’s letting her down gently

Udouhun · 01/12/2021 19:29

What a massive ho bag. Why is she flinging herself at a taken man?

Stompythedinosaur · 01/12/2021 19:37

Yeah, that is pretty poor behaviour on his part. He isn't shutting it down, he clearly wants her to stay interested.

Footprintsinthegrass · 01/12/2021 20:11

He's enjoying it. I'd want/expect my dh to make it clear he was not interested. The whole "if I was single" isn't good enough in my opinion. It shouldn't even cross his mind

Thymeout · 01/12/2021 20:12

It seems pretty obvious that she's the one making the advances and the fact that she's still doing it after his first response means that she's unbalanced and has the potential to be a real pest. I think, as pp said, he's trying to let her down nicely so she doesn't turn nasty, or perhaps he just feels sorry for her.

Thatnameistaken · 01/12/2021 20:20

He's hedging his bets, it doesn't sound like he's shutting her down, I'd want to hear a more definitive "No I'm not interested in you like that."

FortunesFave · 01/12/2021 20:29

Terrible behaviour. He's loving the attention and that's why he hasn't said no.

I'd be packing my bags and buggering off if I were you...do you have kids together?

ANameChangeAgain · 01/12/2021 20:32

He should have shut it down with a firm no, but he's obviously enjoying the attention. There is obviously no way he would cheat, but he's certainly enjoying the fact that someone finds him attractive. I bet lots of us have been guilty of the same in the past.

Takeaway2021 · 01/12/2021 20:36

He'll cheat , just a matter of time

AutumnLeaves21 · 01/12/2021 20:52

@MrsFoxyplease

He could have shut this down completely with "NO, I'm happily married" Instead he's enjoying the ego boost so teasing with the 'If I was single' and the coy not wanting to answer the question line. He's loving it.

Exactly this. He knows if he shuts it down completely then she may well stop messaging him, which he doesn’t want. If he’s got no intentions of taking it further, why the need to tell her that he fancies her? They’re both behaving disgustingly

RealBecca · 01/12/2021 21:04

Hes way out of line. You deserve better than a half hearted "yes but i can't". It should be an emohatic "no and this is an inappropriate message. Im.in a happy relationship, which you know, and i dont know what youre tbinking coming on to me."

MsDogLady · 01/12/2021 23:59

This woman repeatedly queries if your Partner is interested and he says he can’t answer that?? And that he might sleep with her if he were single?

Although he refers to your relationship, his answers are ambiguous and flirty, and he is letting her know that he finds her attractive. I agree with you that he is being highly disrespectful and disloyal.

The fact that he tried to hide the conversations indicates that he knows full well that their ego-boosting exchanges are dodgy. How exactly did he go about hiding them?

Have you confronted him yet? I wouldn’t accept any nonsense like ‘It’s just banter.’

oviraptor21 · 02/12/2021 00:04

It sounds to me like he's trying to shut her down gently but he didn't realise that she would persist after being told that he's in a relationship.

His next step needs to be unequivocal.

oviraptor21 · 02/12/2021 00:06

And he wouldn't tell you because he knows you'd be upset and suspicious. Just like I don't tell my DH if a guy hits on me.

Dancingonmoonlight · 02/12/2021 00:08

@MrsFoxyplease

He could have shut this down completely with "NO, I'm happily married" Instead he's enjoying the ego boost so teasing with the 'If I was single' and the coy not wanting to answer the question line. He's loving it.

This!

Holdingontonothing · 02/12/2021 00:17

I think he's trying to let her down gently to avoid awkward, difficult or potentially career damaging situations, as OP mentions she's someone he works with. Sounds like he's in a very difficult situation where he fears being blunt/rude could cause an already unhinged person to do or say something harmful. Seen this before.

OP give him the benefit of the doubt here, sounds like a messy situation.

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