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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH, whatsapp and phonecalls

24 replies

sicktothebackteeth20 · 01/12/2021 17:48

I have never been the jealous type but I do have boundaries but wonder if i'm over reacting.
DH works in a mostly male team. For the past few months he's been on a whatsap group with thiswoman and a male colleague (who never seems to comment!) he is on there first thing in the morning, when he gets in from work and he puts pictures of our dog on there and gushes about how fantastic a "team" they are. Monday he said he couldn't wait to be "reunited" with his team!
I pay the phone bills and have noticed he chats to her for 30 minutes on his way in, when i challenged him about this he said "we are planning for the day"
I hate being suspicious but aibu to think he's overstepping the mark. She plays on "panic attacks". For the last 3 weeks he's been over an hour late each evening.
I'm at a loss I feel gutted and though he puts her happiness before how I feel.

OP posts:
Lasair · 01/12/2021 17:59

That would make me uncomfortable

RealBecca · 01/12/2021 18:07

An hour late everyday for 3 weeks. Yadnbu

1FootInTheRave · 01/12/2021 18:15

This looks a pretty obvious affair to me.

Or, the start of one.

HelloBambinos · 01/12/2021 18:18

You're not being irrational or over reacting. I would feel the same. Sometimes you just get a sense that something isn't quite right. I feel in the same situation now regarding my dh. When something just feels 'off' no matter how much you try to tell yourself it's nothing.. I would have a proper discussion about boundaries with your dh.

Tal45 · 01/12/2021 18:20

Trust your gut. I'm sorry he's doing this to you.

Scarydinosaurs · 01/12/2021 18:20

You’re clearly not overreacting. He has allowed another person into your marriage essentially. This person is being prioritised over you. It could be a man or woman, the outcome is the same: he’s distracted, absent and not the partner you need him to be.

ABoynamedsue2022 · 01/12/2021 18:22

My initial thought is that it’s certainly heading towards an affair- if it isn’t already!
I’m so so sorry for you, I’ve been there. That feeling like you’ve been gut punched when you see the phone bill.
Look after yourself xx

Original poster
sicktothebackteeth20 · 01/12/2021 18:22

@Scarydinosaurs

You’re clearly not overreacting. He has allowed another person into your marriage essentially. This person is being prioritised over you. It could be a man or woman, the outcome is the same: he’s distracted, absent and not the partner you need him to be.
This is exactly it! He is prioritising her. I am so tempted to text her as well as having it out with DH again!
OP posts:
Chchchanger · 01/12/2021 18:35

Don't text her.

FayCarew · 01/12/2021 18:38

Does the man exist?

ChimChimeny · 01/12/2021 18:40

Definitely don't text her but I don't know what you should do. He has to see her at work so no contacts isn't realistic but it definitely could be limited to shop talk/polite chit chat, doesn't sound like he would want to though & the risk is he'll just hide it from you

There was a thread (possibly more than one) a few years ago with the OP's DH watching it unfold in front of her & she just let it happen. The advice was mainly put a stop to it but not sure how exactly

Original poster
sicktothebackteeth20 · 01/12/2021 18:41

@FayCarew

Does the man exist?
Yes but he never speaks on whatsapp
OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 01/12/2021 18:42

Don't text her! At least not right now as you have no proof of anything untoward going on. All it will do is cause her to act offended and 'innocent party' with him if it's an 'emotional affair', and give her another reason to 'enlist' his sympathy. And if you aren't familiar with emotional affairs, read up on it.

Yes, do 'have it out' with him, but in a calm, reasonable way. Tell him (I know, again!) that you are not comfortable with the amount of time he spends communicating with her (especially if it's less time than he spends communicating with you!).

I'm assuming that because it's a work chat he wouldn't be able to add you in, but he should certainly be willing to show you the messages assuming there aren't client confidentiality issues. But honestly, if he says there are, then they shouldn't be sending messages about them anyway.

AcrossthePond55 · 01/12/2021 18:44

Oh, and if in your discussion with him he says he feels 'neglected' or any of the other bullshit men use to justify their behaviour tell him that no one has ever solved a problem IN a marriage by seeking something OUTSIDE the marriage.

FayCarew · 01/12/2021 18:46

My thoughts was that his name might be there but that it was a fake account

DamnUserName21 · 01/12/2021 18:48

Sounds like the start of an emotional affair.
You could have the chat with him about it-doubt you'll get anywhere though.
Any male colleagues you can lunch or WhatsApp with (for work purposes obviously)?
I do sometimes think when people do this, they need to walk in the shoes of their partner cause they don't have a clue just by words.
(had a few, hope I make sense)

GertietheGherkin · 01/12/2021 18:52

Would he be so brazen about it? Is he that kind of person? If you raise the subject does he seem defensive? Or try to 'play it down?' If you pay the phone bill, he must know you are going to notice the regularity and length of these calls. 'Preparing the day' is usually decided somewhat in advance... Surely he doesn't deal with appointments, meetings etc as he's driving into work every day? Or is that what he's trying to convince you is happening?

Definitely do not text her, that would be inappropriate, especially if there's a valid reason behind this behaviour.

You probably need to make a consice list of dates, times, length of calls and to which number. I would then ask who else is involved in these 'planning' chats, and who else is on the team and involved. If there's others, and they're not getting these daily chats then ask why!
Surely if they're a 'great team' it's a team effort, so the whole team would be in communication wouldn't they?
If that isn't the case, then you have every right to question his behaviour. Usually your 'gut feeling' is right. You need to make sure you've covered all bases though, so he can't wiggle out of it. Pre-empting his excuses puts you at an advantage.
I hope you get it sorted, the best of luck.

GertietheGherkin · 01/12/2021 18:57

*Concise ( auto corrects sorry 😩)

Riverlee · 01/12/2021 19:11

An hour late everyday. Mmmm. Very suspicious, unless there’s a genuine reason for being late (ie. Work pressure). What’s the reason he’s given for being late?

Definitely seems to be an emotional affair looming,

IslaInthesun · 01/12/2021 19:14

Why does he say he's been late?

girlmom21 · 01/12/2021 19:20

I'd suspect this is a crush on his part rather than an affair or I don't see why he'd tell you all about her.

Is the phone he's talking to her on every morning a work phone or his personal phone? Presumably personal if you're paying the bill but if he needs to spend so long talking to her every day he should request a work phone.

That being said, I've never, ever had to check my call logs in order to pay a phone bill.

Original poster
sicktothebackteeth20 · 01/12/2021 19:26

@girlmom21

I'd suspect this is a crush on his part rather than an affair or I don't see why he'd tell you all about her.

Is the phone he's talking to her on every morning a work phone or his personal phone? Presumably personal if you're paying the bill but if he needs to spend so long talking to her every day he should request a work phone.

That being said, I've never, ever had to check my call logs in order to pay a phone bill.

I have never checked phonelogs i just got suspicious. I hate myself for doing it.
OP posts:
Nirnroot · 01/12/2021 19:28

@FayCarew

Does the man exist?
This was my first thought too.
girlmom21 · 01/12/2021 19:28

I get it. You're in a shit position when he's making it so bloody obvious!

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