If you’re a blended family?

[OGenkiDesuKa]

Aibu to ask how that works for you?

In terms of:

Discipline
Parental responsibility

We’re ironing out a few issues and am interested to see how other families manage!

We are mum, step dad, 7 year old daughter to mum and newborn baby to mum and step dad.

Hi

DS was two when I met DH, now 18. We moved in together, as a three, about 18 months later, then DS2 came along when DS1 was 5.

It hasn't been all plain sailing, but not too bad. I've always made it clear to DS that he is to respect DH as much as he respects me, that he will tell him off when necessary etc. DH has always been a hands on step dad, so I didn't want DS to only have the fun side and me be the bad guy. We are a family, so we behave like a normal one.

It does help in our scenario that DS's Dad has always sat in the background, has had minimal input in DS's life (his Dads choice)

Parental responsibility wise, DH takes as much as me. There's only been a couple of occasions when I've had to take the main role - I am the only person with legal parental responsibility (DS born before law changed) - but otherwise DH takes as much of a responsibility as I do.

We are a blend: both widowed a few years ago. DS11, DD8, DSD7. No children who are both biologically ours (yet? Not sure). We actually find that they tend to listen to their step-parent more than their biological parent but DH and I talk constantly to make sure we are on the same page and not contradicting each other. We try to treat them all equally. I suppose it is 'simpler' (obviously really sad) that none of them have their other biological parent.

Discipline - never really an issue. Day to day we just dealt with any minor issues as and when. V v rare occasion when there was something major - DH and his ex wife would agree an approach. (I'm the step parent)
Parental responsibility - just that really. My SC have 2 engaged and responsible parents and they are responsible for their children. Thus, covering holidays, illness, doctors appointments etc. I would help out in an emergency but they would sort out where the children would be over the summer and such like.
At this time I was working full time and had no children.
We then had a DD and the same pretty much continued. SC have always lived 50:50 between their parents. DH and I share parenting and everything that goes with it for our DD.

My daughters dad is not involved at all, she calls my partner daddy.

Things have been difficult between them for the last few months as I was stuck in hospital really ill with my pregnancy and then when I eventually came home I’ve been pretty much stuck recovering from csection and breastfeeding baby.

My partner had done pretty much 100% of the parenting and my daughter has no now decided she doesn’t have to listen to him ever and gets really angry if he even just asks her to take her shoes to the shoe rack.

I know she is adjusting, and things were hard for them when I was in hospital as my partner was very stressed understandably.

We’ve thought that maybe for a while I can take over all the discipline so he can be fun dad for a while and they can rebuild their relationship. We get married in two weeks time and I’m so worried about going into it while my daughter is so miserable. I know it’s probably just temporary but I feel very stuck in the middle atm.

I have 2 DC who are with us most of the time, DH has 3 who are with us EOW and 2 evenings. We each take responsibility for for our own DC for the ‘bigger’ things- eg when my teen DD was pushing back about curfews etc, I made the decisions, but we will each happily remind/tell off all and any of the kids where necessary about things like picking up after themselves etc.

House rules such as bedtimes, screen time etc we decide together. We always back each other up in front of the kids, if we occasionally disagree we’ll talk about it later.

@OGenkiDesuKa

My daughters dad is not involved at all, she calls my partner daddy.

Things have been difficult between them for the last few months as I was stuck in hospital really ill with my pregnancy and then when I eventually came home I’ve been pretty much stuck recovering from csection and breastfeeding baby.

My partner had done pretty much 100% of the parenting and my daughter has no now decided she doesn’t have to listen to him ever and gets really angry if he even just asks her to take her shoes to the shoe rack.

I know she is adjusting, and things were hard for them when I was in hospital as my partner was very stressed understandably.

We’ve thought that maybe for a while I can take over all the discipline so he can be fun dad for a while and they can rebuild their relationship. We get married in two weeks time and I’m so worried about going into it while my daughter is so miserable. I know it’s probably just temporary but I feel very stuck in the middle atm.

Could it be she's worrying about two big changes and acting out because if that? New baby and you getting married?

I've seen on the step parenting board one on one time with the biological parent and lots and lots of reassurances about how new sibling doesn't change their love for them. That's usually in a Dad/stepmum new baby situation on those boards though.

Does she know you partner isn't her biological father? Could she be worried he's gonna love the baby more than her? Is he being a bit less patient with her? New babies are stressful and if you're both knackered she could be feeling like he's changed and that you're busy.

It's difficult and obviously bad behaviour needs to be checked but through her eyes it's possible she's feeling a bit left out and might need some extra reassuring from both your partner and yourself individually.

Congrats on new baby

In your situation if your daughter’s bio father isn’t involved and she calls him daddy, I think you’re both responsible for her as he’s chosen to accept that dynamic and seems happy with it. He can’t have her call him daddy and then not act like her parent.

If the father was involved then I’d say it’s just you who is responsible for her and your partner does the odd bit to help. When I was a stepparent, my then partner was responsible for his child with his ex and I did bits on an ad hoc basis.

It sounds like this is a challenging time for her. I’m sure she was probably very worried about you being in hospital and now she has a new baby to get used to. Personally, I think if she is generally temperamental at the moment, it’s less stressful for everyone to just pick your battles. Tell her off when it’s necessary but little things like not picking her shoes up, I would just put them away. It’s quite common for children to regress for a bit when a new sibling comes along. The more she is told off, the more isolated she will feel.