Rub men up the wrong way

FriendWoes111 · 2021-11-30T23:35:20+00:00

I keep clashing with men, men who are close to me but its happened in pubs with men I've just met too. So they're either family I get on really well with, or men I've just met and we are just casually getting on well, and before I know it its escalated into something really confrontational and quite aggressive (on both sides). I've never had this kind of flaming confrontation with a woman before. It's always sparked by something really stupid. Just wondering whether I have some kind of attitude problem or if anyone else can relate and it's some sort of sociological thing.

takealettermsjones · 30/11/2021 23:37

Do you have an example?

MaryAndGerryLivingInDerry · 30/11/2021 23:38

Do you like men? Like actually like them? It sounds like you don’t really want to be around them so create ways to piss them off. Or maybe it’s a fear/protective thing: getting rid of them before they harm you?

ChocolatePecanBanana · 30/11/2021 23:39

This often happens with me, actually. Particularly with middle aged men. I don’t have a dad so I used to think it was because I hated the whole ‘dad joke’ thing. I also don’t do the flirty thing with middle aged men.

Essentially, I think a lot of white middle aged men are boring mansplainers with really bad senses of humor, and I have very little time for them. They probably pick up on that tbf, which is why I have these very spiky interactions with them 🤷‍♀️

Original poster

FriendWoes111 · 30/11/2021 23:46

I do really like men, I like all people as I'm quite a curious person. Its normally clashes that happen specifically with men I'm getting on with. Tonight was a good example, I was dealing with a close family friend and we were blathering away, got to talking about a specific song. He insisted it was a particular genre, I said it was another, before I knew it we were shouting each other down and it had become insanely aggressive. It ended with him saying to never contact him again. Half an hour later we were back to chatting away again. Admittedly I am quick to fire but it was fucking surreal.

@ChocolatePecanBanana
It's funny you say that because you're right actually. It only happens with men at least 10 years older than me. It's like thinking about it, they enjoy it when I'm being all chatty and laughy, then what happens is theres a disagreement and they start being forceful and dogmatic in their tone and it's like a red rag to me.

OP posts:

CocoHeart · 30/11/2021 23:47

I can relate.
I'm quite funny & quick witted (I believe 🤣) and men either love or hate it.

tallduckandhandsome · 30/11/2021 23:49

It sounds like you don’t really want to be around them so create ways to piss them off.

Or maybe they fry and piss OP off?

Original poster

FriendWoes111 · 30/11/2021 23:50

@CocoHeart
I get the sense sometimes that they like you being chatty but then also have a conflicting urge to put you "in your place".

OP posts:

ChocolatePecanBanana · 30/11/2021 23:53

@FriendWoes111

I do really like men, I like all people as I'm quite a curious person. Its normally clashes that happen specifically with men I'm getting on with. Tonight was a good example, I was dealing with a close family friend and we were blathering away, got to talking about a specific song. He insisted it was a particular genre, I said it was another, before I knew it we were shouting each other down and it had become insanely aggressive. It ended with him saying to never contact him again. Half an hour later we were back to chatting away again. Admittedly I am quick to fire but it was fucking surreal.

@ChocolatePecanBanana
It's funny you say that because you're right actually. It only happens with men at least 10 years older than me. It's like thinking about it, they enjoy it when I'm being all chatty and laughy, then what happens is theres a disagreement and they start being forceful and dogmatic in their tone and it's like a red rag to me.

Yes, yes, yes! ‘They enjoy it when I’m being all chatty and laughy…then they start being forceful and dogmatic in their tone’

I absolutely can’t stand that either. When a man starts saying he’s right about something he is WRONG about and refuses to listen to anyone and sits there smugly I actually feel violent creeping rage.

Meh. I wouldn’t worry too much about it. I do have to take deep breaths and bite my tongue at work sometimes…but I have so little respect for most of the men I work with that I also don’t really care if I offend them. I think a lot of it is in part that I refuse to flirt or play any kind of gender role around them, so they’re often a bit confused by that too. Kind of like: ‘why isn’t this bitch laughing at my jokes?’

‘Um, because your jokes are crap and you’re a dumbass’ 🤷‍♀️

MaryAndGerryLivingInDerry · 30/11/2021 23:54

Or maybe they fry and piss OP off?

Always a possibility- but OP is the one that’s here saying she rubs them up the wrong way…

MyFamiIyAndOtherAnimals · 30/11/2021 23:57

[quote FriendWoes111]@CocoHeart
I get the sense sometimes that they like you being chatty but then also have a conflicting urge to put you "in your place".[/quote]
THIS

Men don’t like over confident women

I’ve had endless issues like this down to my male inlaws and my own dad..... who sneeringly says “you’re just so ....confident”

Luckily I don’t really give a fuck but my disdain for them is quite deep seated now 😂

AnyFucker · 30/11/2021 23:58

I don’t really “get on” with men either. I guess because I find so many of them rather lacking and I don’t bother to hide it. The feeling is mutual, I am sure

I’ve never been a “man’s woman” and I simply cannot understand anyone who is.

Original poster

FriendWoes111 · 01/12/2021 00:02

@ChocolatePecanBanana
Amen. It drives me insane how many of them also take about a full ten minutes to tell the story of how they went to the post office today.

@MyFamiIyAndOtherAnimals
Well I feel much less alone now. There might be a thing at play where they want you to be animated and "shooting the shit" but they do still need a very subtle level of deference.

OP posts:

Avarua · 01/12/2021 00:04

They like it when you're simpering and agreeable. But not when you disagree with them .

RiverSkater · 01/12/2021 00:05

You've got an opinion and you like to stick with it. Admired in men, usually a cause for ridicule in women.

Ballsy, ball breaker fire cracker etc zzz.

SoItWas · 01/12/2021 00:05

"It's like thinking about it, they enjoy it when I'm being all chatty and laughy, then what happens is theres a disagreement and they start being forceful and dogmatic in their tone and it's like a red rag to me."

"Feeling like you're being put in your place.

I've experienced this, that sudden change in tone and manner, the heckles rising. Male colleagues, relatives, exes, friends.

Original poster

FriendWoes111 · 01/12/2021 00:10

Its very upsetting when it comes from a family member. Somehow you come away feeling like you've been really OTT and shouty when actually you just felt like you were defending yourself.

Sometimes with men you dont know, I wonder whether they think that the whole interacting with them is a massive lead up to something happening, but then once they start to realise it won't (I don't flirt), what they thought they liked now just offends them.

OP posts:

Pottedfern · 01/12/2021 00:21

I completely get this. I started working in a male dominated industry in my early 20s with men typically 10-20 years older. Whilst I was young, naive and a bit of a people pleaser, I got on with them all swimmingly and did a lot of smiling and nodding.

As I reached my early 30s it became apparent that I had matured and they hadn’t. They seemed obviously put out when I no longer laughed at their shit and often sexist jokes and now go out of their way to almost one up me in conversations. Jokes on them now as I am in a senior position and their opinions and awful chat are of no consequence to me

Ghostsintheshelf · 01/12/2021 06:32

"It's funny you say that because you're right actually. It only happens with men at least 10 years older than me. It's like thinking about it, they enjoy it when I'm being all chatty and laughy, then what happens is theres a disagreement and they start being forceful and dogmatic in their tone and it's like a red rag to me."

Yes, so much this.
My most recent one was a few days ago. There's a man who's a good twenty years older than me, but who hones in on me when we're both out walking our dogs. I now try and go earlier than him because it's so awkward. Anyway he caught me for the first time in ages and was his usual jovial self until he remarked on how quiet my dog is. I said he is, but barks if he's with me and there's a creepy man hanging about.
This man's demeanour changed instantly. Started aggressively trying to grill me on what makes a man creepy. How did I know they were creepy??
What he didn't like was the fact that I'd expressed a negative view on certain men. Clearly that wasn't allowed. And he probably knew that he was being creepy too.