Caught up in parent's bad marriage

[Lima1]

This isn't really an AIBU more of a WWYD.

To cut a very long story short, my parents have never had a good marriage. There were always arguments in our house, my whole childhood has been marred by their inability to get along. They are very different people and should never have married.

They stayed together for the sake of us (what a f**king joke). All I can remember all my life is tension in the house. Every occasion is ruined by them either not speaking to each other or sniping at each other.
They are both mid 70's now and things are worse than ever.

My mother is so bitter over her ruined life, she is a very negative person, she hates getting older and laments her lost opportunities for an exciting life which she totally blames on my dad.

My dad is pretty useless, never really involved in our lives growing up, he is of the generation that minding children is women's work. He drinks too much and never wants to go anywhere.

They are both as bad as each other and have both contributed to their miserable existences.

That being said my mam has been, and is, very good to me and my family, she is very generous and is always there for us. My dad had issues in his childhood that has affected his ability to be a good dad and father and I don't hold this against him. He loves me a lot and he is trying harder to have a good relationship with me now.

The real issue for me is that they don't have an outlet for their bitterness towards each other and so both direct it towards me. They are really struggling to live together. My dad has cancer and my mam has no compassion towards him. She goes on about her health issues and ignores him. If he tells me he has an issue she will tell me later that he is exaggerating it.

As they are getting older my dad is less able for the aggravation and wants a quieter life and it is like my mam is getting more and more bitter as they age and she is upping the ante.

For example this is what happened today: my mam had to book a GP appt for dad for this week. She did it but he said she wouldn't tell him what day/time it was at. He asked her but she wouldn't speak to him. I had to call her to find out and ring him back with the information.
She gets bitter as he cant make an appt himself so she withholds the information to have power over him, he cant see she is fed up with him being useless and not able to do anything for himself.

I feel sorry for both of them as they are genuinely miserable. They are at an age when they should be avoiding upset like this. My mam is very controlling of dad in the house, she complains when he lights a fire, she complains when he watches tv, she complains if he gets a phonecall. He has no comfort in his own home.
On the other hand, dad would drink and smoke all their money so mam is responsible for all the money/bills/organizing insurance, etc which fuels her bitterness.

I am honestly emotionally exhausted by it all. I have raised it with them and stopped calling over (before covid) for a few weeks as I told them I couldnt bear their behaviour. They did make changes but they soon slipped back into old ways.
I feel guilty reducing contact as both are lonely.
Its really dragging me down, I feel very upset by it everyday. I cry frequently throughout the week about it.
I have an occasional nice visit with them where they dont make snide remarks but they are few and far between.

I have considered professional help to deal with this as during the really bad times I wish one of them would just die as it would be the only way to stop what is happening.

OP sending you 💐 - what a horrible situation to be caught up in.
I would make the following changes:
Tell them how their behaviour is affecting your life, keep it very matter-of-fact, and tell them that in future you will only see them separately (so that might mean they each need to leave the house and meet you at a local coffee shop individually, for example).
Stick to your guns, reassure them that you love them, but not the atmosphere when they are together.
Rinse and repeat, you need to take care of yourself and if they aren’t prepared to quit using you as a middleman in their arguments/sniping, then disengage even more.

OH it won't stop when one of them dies unfortunately

💐 for you.
This sounds hell for you.

Oh OP, I really feel for you. They sound A LOT like both my parents and in laws. The misery, the utterly relentless misery. The sniping, the power games, the silence. The endless offloading on you. It's unbearable.

Google 'parentification'. It's where emotionally immature parents offload on their children, and the parent / child roles get reversed. They are behaving like teenagers, whining at their parents about something their sibling has done, and making you feel responsible for fixing the problem. Its absolutely not something you should be expected to put up with

Follow the advice about telling them how their behaviour impacts on you, but be prepared for it to fall on deaf ears. My MIL, for example, is so caught up in her own misery that she literally cannot acknowledge anyone else's feelings. Your parents may be the same. I fully understand the guilt you feel, but honestly you need to take care of yourself, and I think you need to be less available, both physically and emotionally. I know they are miserable, and that's hard to see, but they are adults and they have choices. You martyring yourself by absorbing all their misery is doing no one any good. If it helps, my therapist told me that some people need and love the conflict, even if it makes them miserable - they're still getting some emotional needs met. Either way, it is not down to you to fix this, or to be their emotional dumping ground

Thanks guys, the horrible part is I love them and want to visit them and chat but it so often ruined by the horrible atmosphere.

My mother in particular is so immature, its mad because even as a very young child I felt a huge responsibility toward looking after her. Its hard to see her ruin her life with such a negative outlook as she has a lot to offer but she is self absorbed.

@justasking111it sounds like you have been there and I know you are right :(

My sister deals with it by choosing my mam. She barely speaks to my dad and when she does it's superficial and brief that way he doesn't get an opportunity to complain to her. My mam doesn't complain to her as she knows my sister doesn't care.
I am softer and I get the bigger burden.

I know I need to distance myself but... fuuuuuuuuuk..... the guilt and I feel angry with them for feeling like this.

'even as a very young child I felt a huge responsibility toward looking after her'

She has trained you well, all your life, to think of her and not yourself. You're experiencing a big dose of FOG - fear, obligation, and guilt. It's seriously tough. You mentioned that you're considering seeing a counsellor. Therapy was the way out of FOG for me. This stuff is so ingrained that it can be hard to find your way out of it all alone.

Thanks @Lottapianos I will look that up, I vaguely remember hearing that term FOG before.

I totally understand your situation.
My mum and step father lived their retirement exactly like this, and I was you.
I lived hundreds of miles away but still felt it.
Mum wanted phone contact every day and if I wasn't available (physically or emotionally) I got the guilt trip.
Step father drank himself stupid.
Mum, during a spell in hospital, told me why he drank, so I understood, but then didn't understand why she would stay with him!
When mum NEEDED care he refused and said he would do it, but he really couldn't meet her needs. I spent a lot of time staying with them to help mum, he resented that too.
After mum died during the first lockdown, it was discovered he was terminally ill. No wonder he couldn't care for her.
My siblings kept themselves mentally healthy by behaving as your sister does, not engaging with the negative.
I think that eventually came with some guilt of its own in the end though.
Really tough for you. Sending a virtual hand hold 💐

My parents do a version of this even though they’re divorced and don’t live together. You’d think that would fix it but, nope. Still so wrapped up in feeling miserable and seething about the other one and offloading onto adult children. I have to watch what my own young DC say because if they mention Grandparent 1 positively around Grandparent 2 there is frosty silence and pursed lips and DC wondering what they’ve done wrong.

I’ve had some success with telling myself that they do have the right to be miserable. Sounds odd but: they could be making different choices, they’re not, and I wish they would but if they’re choosing the ‘be eternally miserable’ option I can’t stop them. It doesn’t stop them grumbling to me but it makes me feel a bit less sad about it myself.

OP,

It sounds very very hard.

Your parents are not good people.

They are very selfish and have consistently put themselves first.

They have zero interest in your happiness or the impact their behaviour has on your MH.

There will come a time where you will realise that you offered up your life and peace for them.

You will realise it was utterly thankless.

You will bitterly regret not pulling away.

You will feel profound sadness that you allowed them to ruin your life.

Because they are running your life.

The only hope for you is you work on yourself.

Look up the FOG dynamic and how it has completely dominated your life.

Fear
Obligation
Guilt

The only person who can help you, is yourself.

To realise your life has value.

Do you have children?

I hope not, because if you do I can only imagine the impact on them of having an emotionally used/abused mother who has to carry such stress around with her.

If you do have children, I suggest you think of them and the impact all of this must have on them.

You have had an abusive childhood and it has continued on into adulthood.

Your mother won't change.
She has chosen to sacrifice your life.

No decent parent would do that.

Step away and save yourself.

'I have to watch what my own young DC say because if they mention Grandparent 1 positively around Grandparent 2 there is frosty silence and pursed lips and DC wondering what they’ve done wrong.'

That's dreadful. As you say, the children will feel confused by that reaction and will blame themselves for having done something wrong. These Things That Mustn't Be Spoken About are really damaging for children. Rather than worrying about what the children say, speak to your parents about the impact that their frosty response is having on your children, and tell them to pack it in

@Frigginintheriggin I am sorry to hear your mum passed and your stepdad is ill, that is very tough. I agree there will be some guilt to come for my sibling also.

@PterodactylTeaParty - I have three children and I rarely bring them for visits now due to the obvious tension and comments in the house. I have told my parents the reason why. On the odd occasion I do bring them they are generally good, but if anything starts I cut the visit short and tell them why. I will not have them dragged into this toxic way of behaving.

@billy1966 - I know you are spot on with a lot of your comments - my DH tells me the same things. Its very hard to break from that FOG but I will definitely do more research on it and try for my family's sake because I do know it impacts on my mood.

The only positive I can take from their behavior is that I am conscious of how myself and DH treat each other. My parents have no respect for each other and that is an appalling thing to witness.

I know my children will never have to experience that because I am so aware of it.

My children have no idea what it is like to live with toxic parents and a house filled with tension and spite. They have no appreciation of lucky they are to live in a happy house because they know no different and I am very glad of that.

Been there for years, and my 5 siblings and I individually all came to the same conclusion.

Tell them they are adults and you are not getting involved in their marriage or taking sides. If you visit and they are giving reach other the silent treatment leave and tell them you'll come back when they have sorted it out between themselves.

When they stop getting attention from the drama, the drama itself reduces.

Lima1, well done for not minimising the impact of your parents' behaviour on your children. Quite right to leave when necessary and to tell your parents why.

Rather than worrying about what the children say, speak to your parents about the impact that their frosty response is having on your children, and tell them to pack it in

Oh believe me I have, multiple times. The current situation is actually an improvement believe it or not: at least they don’t say anything bad about the other grandparent in front of the kids. It’s hard to tackle that sort of reaction where they don’t say anything but just look quiet/hurt though, which is why I pay very close attention to what the children say in front of them so I know when they’ve done it.

Again one of those things that’s a bit easier when you’re not trying to fix them being miserable. I used to feel like an utter monster saying “I know you’re sad but can you please act less sad in front of the children.”

'It’s hard to tackle that sort of reaction where they don’t say anything'

Yes, I can imagine. They're not saying anything but still communicating all of the disapproval. So difficult

Sorry, I didn't mean to sound harsh in my previous post. I really feel for you and your kids dealing with this

Tell them they are adults and you are not getting involved in their marriage or taking sides. If you visit and they are giving each other the silent treatment, leave and tell them you'll come back when they have sorted it out between themselves.

Excellent advice from @WeAllHaveWings.

to you, OP. Had a (milder) version of this, and it's bloody exasperating. My DF was a kind and decent man who chose depression as a way of life and inflicted it on his family. He didn't drink at all, so his "escape" was to grumble and sleep his days away. My DM often told DB and me that "if it weren't for you two" she'd be out of there even tho she stayed in the marriage unto her death, decades after we'd grown up and moved on. What is it with these older generations? A sort of learned helplessness seems so common among them. My XMIL constantly moaned about her XH, even tho they'd been divorced more than 20 years. I finally had to get tough with her: "You are well rid of that duplicitous shit, and meanwhile you have a great career, lovely siblings and friends and a beautiful garden get on with it."

OP, you are clearly a wonderful mother with a quality DH and a calm and happy home. We are the generation in charge now, and it's in your power to control how your DPs affect you.

My DB and I decided not to let our DF's chosen depression (which I now see was a form of manipulation) to spoil our relationship with each other and with our respective DCs. We do things very differently.