Posting for traffic I know I'm a bad person

[feelsobadfeltsogood]

So been with partner 10 years we have 2 gorgeous kids
He's a great dad and a lovely person but we haven't had sex for 3 years there's just no connection like that and we are more like friends who live together than anything else

So last night I went for a drink with some friends and I ended up getting a taxi with one of my male friends (who is single and I know likes me and the feeling is mutual) and I got out at his place, went in for a coffee and then we kissed, loads of foreplay but not full sex but it felt really really good - at the time

Went home about midnight

However this morning I'm wracked with guilt and I feel dreadful and this guy is messaging me saying how amazing it was and wants to get together again and I feel absolutely terrible about it all

What's your AIBU?

You need to decide what you want. If you aren’t happy with your partner then split up with him before moving on with someone else.

Presumably your "friend" knows you have a partner. He's a bad person and feels no guilt if he wants to do it again.

Imo you need to cut this friend off, and break up with your partner. People don't cheat unless they're arseholes or in unhappy relationshipsboth

Do the kind thing and let your partner go, and work on your integrity and morals.

Why are you posting?

I think you are intent on stoking the drama of the situation, and should cut that out sharpish.

What you need to do now is decide if you want tomend your marriage and then act accordingly.

No need for histrionics, including characterising yourself as a bad person. The sort of person you are will however be important in deciding whether you deal with this or just want to spout off about his it's all dreadful

Is is great? No.

But in a weird way, this might be a good thing for you and DP. You're obviously no longer sexually (/romantically?) attracted to one another, but you've been sticking with the status quo because it's easy.

It's really common for people to stay in stagnant relationships because they don't feel there's 'enough' wrong to leave.

This incident has reminded you what it can feel like when you really fancy someone, and maybe reminded you that you want that from a relationship?

It sounds as though DP would not be too heartbroken for things as they are to end, and nor would you - while it would be sad and difficult to disentangle your lives slightly, it would free you both up to find a relationship that makes you truly happy and fulfilled romantically.

How honest are you with one another about the current state of your relationship - could you open up a conversation about starting to officially 'break up' and move on in a way that's healthy and happy and doesn't cause any drama?

It can be done, especially if you're both on the same page - for example, a 12-month plan to introduce your children to the idea that you're not 'together' romantically any more, but still love them lots, for one of you to start saving for/finding somewhere else to live, getting them used to the idea. If you're already effectively 'just' co-parenting, but doing so in a healthy way, then a move to doing that from two homes isn't going to be too devastating.

I think the biggest issue here will be if you and DP aren't on the same page, or that one of you is happy for the status quo to continue and the other isn't. If you both are, you could have an honest conversation about staying in the same home for now but seeing other people in a way that's not disruptive (not at home, obviously, nothing long term, etc) and boundaries for that in future when you're both ready to move on.

What it does seem, though, is that you've reached the end of being happy to just accept things exactly as they are. And out of that will come growth and good things - you just need to know what you want, and communicate.

(In the meantime, I should add - swerve this other guy. Adding lust to the situation in hand is not helpful and will cloud your judgement. Be glad it's given you a kick up the arse to fix your home situation, but wait until you've decided what your next steps are before you throw yourself into a FWB or romantic relationship!)

For many reasons, including cheating, it's time to end the marriage as amicably as possible.

Probably the end of your marriage, leave before you have an affair. But what happened to get you to this place. Did you ever discuss it or did it just happen?

Plus anyone that will willingly go for a married person is scum, I know that person can say no but awful behaviour.

Tell your friend to back off while you sort out your marriage. Then sort hour marriage. You have a hard conversation to have with your husband whether you come clean or not.

I would ignore the person and talk to your DH about ending your marriage. There’s nothing wrong with wanting the sexual side of a relationship but this isn’t the way to get it and if you carry on this into an affair then you are in the wrong and the breakdown of your marriage becomes about you having an affair rather than the fact that your marriage has lost its spark and connection

I don't think your a bad person OP. Unfortunately life is not black and white and I think you've probably not wanted to admit your relationship is over. When you have children its easier to stay if there's nothing awful in the relationship. I would decide if you want to work on your relationship or go your separate ways. Then pursue future relationships if thats what you want. Although this being mn I'm sure people will be along to tell you what an awful person you are. I am not proud but my dh of 10 years started off when I was with someone else. I'm sorry to say it was the best decision I ever made. However I do wish I ended my previous relationship first. Not because I feel bad of how I treated my ex (I don't), but because I now know I deserve better than an abusive dick for a partner. I've gone off track there but what I'm trying to say people cheat for all sorts of reasons and I know this is a very unpopular opinion but I don't think that always means the cheater is a horrible person only out for they can get.

Tell your dp the truth and end things. If this was the other way round you would be rightly to LTB

If your husband did that to you, what would you want?
If your best friend came to you in tears because her partner had done that to her, what would you advise her?

Sometimes it helps to look at things from another person's perspective

Are you going to leave your partner? Whose decision is that the relationship is celibate, yours or his?

To get into that situation with another man means it’s over and he deserves to stay with you if this is what you’re getting up to.

This guy isn’t your friend.

You need to tell your partner what has happened and be honest about how you feel. He deserves to know the truth. It's pointless beating yourself up about it. It's done now and if you valued your relationship that much you wouldn't have done it. I don't mean to sound bitchy - I've been in a similar situation myself in the past.

So many people urging to to end your marriage. I think marriage is about continuing to chose each other. Especially after you’ve had children together. It’s possible to reconnect romantically and sexually if you both want to. And if not it’s not wrong to be celibate for a while when raising children. If you want to save your marriage invest in it. Maybe tell him you were tempted but don’t hurt him unnecessarily. Best of luck in a tricky situation.

She hasn’t said they’re married. Not everyone is. And if they were she’d have shat all over her vows so it would still be over.

Depending on who is not wanting to have sex/be intimate the husband could have shat all over the vows too…….

@scarpa
You hit the nail on the head

So basically I'm fed up with my domestic situation it's getting me down and I want a relationship where I'm loved and wanted and fancied and even if this situation doesn't progress with my friend (I've messaged him tonight to say we need to slow down) then I can't stay as I am just "to keep the family together"