To not want to come across as 'young' ?!

[JammyRedRooo]

Feeling a bit glum this morning now. Went to a baby group and was chatting to a really nice mum. We both wanted to get a timetable for all the other baby classes so I watched her DD and mine while she went over to the reception to ask for some. I heard her say 'it's one for me and one for (my DCs name)s young mum' Young mum?? I'm 28!

Apart from not being sure why my age is relevant, I'm really self conscious about looking younger than I am and it really made me feel hurt. I thought I was making a mum friend but she obviously doesn't see me that way, or that's how it feels.

Its happened to me before as well, people dont take me very seriously at work and I always feel like I'm just a kid playing grown up but this has proved people see right through me 😞

Has anyone else ever had this problem? What can I do to come across as an adult woman rather than a teenage mum?

Sorry this post is so full of self pity!

You're late 20s, what makes you feel like 'a kid playing grown up' exactly?

Let you into a secret, I am 41 still feel like I am playing a grown up…
Up until about 5 years ago I got IDed for every bottle of wine, but now I feel and look like aged hag, wish I felt young. Don’t wish your life away.

I have this issue, I’m 34 and got asked for ID to buy paracetamol a few months ago 🤣😂 I didn’t have any ID on me so they refused to sell me it. (I was buying baby items, some food etc)

I have learnt to live with it and we will be laughing when we are 50 and still look in our 30s/40s. Flip it round and try to take it as a compliment. It’s better than them saying that old mum.

I definitely have imposter syndrome and struggle sometimes at work with this. I think being direct helps. I was around your age and had a new starter who was 21, they asked if I was starting with them (assuming I was also a student). I had to correct them and say I was their boss.

Try to separate looking young and acting young. I don’t think they are actually the same thing. You can look young but be mature. Or look old and act young. Are you worried they think you act young (rather than just look it)? X

I think it will come down to how you come across. I know very youthful looking people whose personality is self assured and confident, so they come across as their age or older.

I get this OP, the health visitor referred to me as a young mum recently, I’m 30. I don’t think there’s much you can do, if it’s your facial features people will assume you’re younger when they first meet you.

Agree with pp, in what way do you come across as 'young' do you think, 28 is very average age I'd think, there were mums 16/17 in some of our baby groups but I don't think I'd have conciously thought of them as 'young'. There was a mum I her 30s who I feel came across as 'young acting' but this was more to do with her treatment of her child as a fashion accessory and how she dressed and acted!

Someone (an older lady) described me as a "young mum" when I was 41 with a one year old. It also happened a few times when I was in my 30s. I think it's often used as an expression to mean "mum of young children" rather than the mother being/looking particularly youthful. I don't look bad for my age but I definitely didn't look like a teenager at 41.

Plus sometimes it's a comparative thing if the comment is from a younger generation. My husband was queuing at the bank recently and an older person referred to him as "this young man". He is 60! Looks young for his age as redheaded (no grey) but he definitely isn't "a youth".

I'm in my 40's and when in a situation where I need to tell someone my age/d.o.b people are shocked as the presume I'm late 20's early 30s.
Women my age call me 'pet' or generally talk to me like I'm of a younger generation.
I'm often sidelined in conversations- almost like I don't belong or have nothing to add.
I dress the same as they do and am well educated, articulate and have a lot to offer.
I've experienced quite a lot iny 40+ years but nobody would ever ask my opinion about situations or problems I may be able to help with.
I feel a bit of a loner actually and I do think this has affected my confidence which in turn wont exactly make me look like a wordly wise woman

Hi OP I’m 26 and had a baby earlier this year.

Me and DH were the youngest by quite a long way in our NCT group and I’ve had similar feelings to you.

I also had similar feelings at work, worrying about how young I am when I am younger than a lot of others in my job role.

I’ve had some personal/career coaching which has helped me get my head round this.

I remind myself that I’m quite proud of what I have achieved. I’ve worked very hard to fit a lot in! Me and DH wanted to have children fairly young because we’d like to have a few! We’ve done things at a pace that felt right for us.

Also remember that people don’t mean it negatively, they mean it as a compliment, or it’s just an observation.

I’ve made some good mum friends, ranging from 5-15 years older than me. After an initial giggle about age it now rarely comes up.

How strange. Nobody considers a 28 year old a young mum, I suppose you could look younger, but even if you were under 21 ish, it would be extremely rude. 28, youngest is 2 and very much done with babies. Im getting out of my biological prime to have children, I'm in the minority opinion but biologically I'm cracking on a bit when it comes to having more children. I'd look at someone like they had two heads if they called me a young mum.

Although regardless of whether or not you look younger, it is rude.
The only time I consider it acceptable is from those 40 ish+, with nearly or grown up children, perhaps grandchildren who would also refer to a family as a 'young family' etc. This clearly wasn't the case here, being X's young mum was a dig.

I think that is a very weird way for someone to describe you in the situation you’ve said.

But I was 27 when DD was born so similar age, and this wouldn’t have upset me. I’d have thought she was weird though. No descriptor was necessary, it sounds like an unnatural thing to say in the context.

I don't understand quite why you feel so cast down by that remark. Why would it indicate she's not a potential friend -- is it primarily because she didn't use your name? Has she forgotten it?

However, if you feel no one is taking you seriously at work, that's more serious if it's holding you back.

Imposter syndrome is definitely the right word.

I think it just bothered me because of how patronising it seemed- as if she was just humouring me by spending time with me. I know I look young but its gutting to think I come across young too. I want to come across as a normal grown up woman not a child.

But it's possible I'm over thinking it. Also completely possible that she has forgotten my name actually,!

Omg 28 and 30 are not young ages to have babies! I had my dcs at those ages and last baby at 32. A few more kids and years of sleep deprivation tends to cure your problem well..

Don’t worried, your kid will make you haggard soon enough. 👍🏻

I think it’s (what I think is called) a transferred epithet. Eg I referred to me and Dh and another couple the other day as young parents just meaning parents (middle aged in our case!) of babies and toddlers. Like I’d say young family.

I know that doesn’t solve your wider issue though or feeling you’re perceived as young. I used to get this too but sadly have aged quite badly since I was 28 🙈

I had dc in my teens, 20's, 30's and 40's. Ime people have something to say however old you are with dc!!
Grab hold of that word young and embrace it!!

At 50 I am the oldest dm at the school gate. Ds is 7.
Guve zero figs...

@WashableVelvet that's what I thought too "young parents" are often used as parents of young dcs. Aren't Harry and meghan described as this all the time in the papers as she is 40's and he almost 40 ?

*the term

I have this problem too and I'm 35. I struggle with the work side of things too, I think people make quick assumptions based on how old they think you are and in my experience it's hard to overcome. I do think I could present myself differently to help but have lost confidence because of it. Following for tips!

People probably think young is a compliment

My Dad was described as the young man at the end house. He was 55 at the time but was younger than the other people who were all 70 plus .

28 is on the young side of average but not very young to have a baby. She probably meant it as a compliment.

Maybe she feels self conscious about her age in the other direction.

I had my first baby at nearly 37 and felt like such an old crone, I was worried I looked ridiculous holding a newborn.

Neither of you have any reason to feel insecure. Best to take these things with a pinch of salt!

YANBU, it’s disappointing that no one has called this out as ageist.

If she had said ‘it's one for me and one for this old mum', you wouldn’t have the majority of people voting Yabu as they are now.

@JammyRedRooo it's weird isn't it. I had my baby when I was 27 and was the youngest at every group I ever went to. I was nervous to share my age (rarely came up) in case other mums didn't want to maintain a friendship if they were 7+ years older than me. It's odd because this wouldn't have been an issue ten years ago. I have been asked why I've had my baby at my age??!! And been told no you cant be that age etc, all a bit bizarre. But most people at these groups are just looking for friendships with people whose babies are similar ages and it really doesn't matter to them! You just have to sift through the loons! X