DD / Ex / My Parents

[purplefluffymonster]

I wasn't too sure where to post this.

To set the background.

I have one DD6.
DD's Dad and I separated 5 years ago and things are the complete opposite of amicable.
DD has 2 younger half siblings at her Dad's.
I work full time.
My parents (in their 70s, one with a probable autoimmune disease - currently going through a diagnosis) help with childcare twice a week, for a couple of hours.

My first issue is around my DD and illness. If she has a cough, has a slight sniffle, or is even looking run down, her Dad won't have her to stay. His reasoning is that one of DD's younger siblings had a few issues at birth and as a result has a weaker immune system. Fair enough (apart from when DD is simply just tired!). DD came back from her Dad's last week with a tummy bug which lasted the rest of the week. It turns out that she caught it off her younger sibling who had it when she arrived there. AIBU in thinking it needs to work both ways here?

Second issue has just arisen. It turns out my ex nor his partner have had any Covid jabs (their choice). My parents have just been told this by DD and have said to me they are no longer sure they can provide childcare (or possibly even see DD at the weekend) due to my ex being 'irresponsible when it comes to Covid'. My parents have always been very worried about Covid and it took them months to start seeing us again.

I guess this might not be a proper AIBU now I've written it out Although are my parents BU? Is my ex?

YANBU in expecting the bugs thing to work both ways. He shouldn't be exposing your daughter to sickness unnecessarily.

Your parents aren't being unreasonable to be concerned. Everyone has a level of risk that they're happy to take and this has pushed them beyond their level of comfort/acceptance.

Your ex should be telling you that one of his children has a bug but it may be because you both aren't amicable he isn't.

Ideally you should be both notify each other if a child in the household is sick and automatically swapping contact for your DD to the next weekend but if you both aren't amicable then that simply isn't possible.

In regards to your parents - they are doing you a favour and any risk they don't want to take is completely up to them even if it isn't logical. All the school aged children I've known who have caught it have caught it at school.

(Oh and the best place for threads like this is Lone Parents not AIBU)

I think that your parents' concerns are valid but they are worried for the wrong reason - they should be worried about her mixing at school and if one of them has an autoimmune condition they do need to be extra careful.

Can you arrange breakfast club or after-school care for her?

It sounds like your ex is a twonk - of course he sin't being reasonable. Just ask him that he lets you know if your dd's half siblings have any illness and she can stay with you if so. It needs to work both ways.

And sympathies because it sounds as though you have awkward people in your life. It's not you...it's them!

I don't think your parents are BU. I think your ex definitely is. Unfortunately I can't really see a simple solution though. In any case, limiting contact with either her dad or her grandparents seems unfair for DD, who is at the centre of it all. Also slightly confused by your ex's extreme actions (not having her over when she looks run down) vs not worrying about COVID (when I assume his children go to school/they go out to work etc).

I think your ex is totally unreasonable (but I'm sure you know that).

His responsibilities to his elder child do not go away because his younger child has medical conditions. What happens if you had another child who had similar conditions, would you be expected to not have DD in your home? And if his youngest child is medically vulnerable he should be vaccinated to try to protect them as much as possible.

Your parents I'm a bit more on the fence. I can understand that they are extremely nervous of getting Covid but as a PP said, your DD would be more likely to pick it up at school and pass it to them that way.

Sounds like your between a rock and a hard place with your parents and ex.

Yes if he wont have her there when she has any bug then he should have told you especially for something that requires time off school like a tummy bug.

I think he is mad not being vaccinated given he has a daughter at school and a child with immune issues and he avoids his daughter when ill so he doesn't catch anything. To not get vaccinated in those circumstances is odd. I think your parents are being a bit odd about him not being vaccinated, when they look after a child at school who is not vaccinated and surrounded by people every day who are not vaccinated and are not likely to have symptoms. She is much more likely to catch it from school than her dad and step mum

So your shared child is a threat to her sibling if she's unwell but her unvaccinated parents aren't? He's an idiot

@lunar1 Apparently so!

I don’t think your parents are being that odd.

My youngest is ECV. In an ideal world she’d have parents WFH and siblings homeschooled. That was absolutely the safest thing for her.

However, we’ve had to balance up necessary risk with unnecessary risk and it sounds like your parents have done the same.

School is a massive risk in our house, but it’s a necessary risk.

Mixing with people deliberately unvaccinated, and as illogical as your ex (given his child’s health you’d have expected him to be first in the queue) isn’t a necessary risk.
Plus they may be concerned that quite a lot of unvaccinated people also take zero precautions at all so could be quite high risk.

Hypocritical of your DH, I don’t see how he can justify not having the jab when a DC has a compromised immune system. Also, he doesn’t get to use his younger child’s condition to opt out of parenting his first daughter.

Your parents position is easier to understand.

I stand with your parents here. Your ex should understand and respect the fact that not only his younger children need protecting from bugs etc, but your daughter too, as well as your parents.

I would say that he needs to find a way and provide childcare (pay someone or find another solution), for the time your DD was spending with her grandparents.

Tell your ex he needs to have DD every weekend without fail or he doesn’t get to see her.

(or whatever the arrangement is)