Feel so ugly, how do I stop this?

[Ireallydontcare55]

I’m 31 years old. Had acne in my early 20s, which seemed to vanish luckily, however it is now back. It’s started with chin acne which I attributed to mask wearing maybe, but it seems to have spread all over.

I started taking a contraceptive pill, Yasmin, a few weeks back which is supposed to target acne, but I seem to have broken out all over.

My nose filler is wearing off but fortunately I’m having a top up next week.

I hate seeing the signs of ageing around my eyes, I don’t feel like it should be this bad at my age. I have lines under and around my eyes and dark circles no matter how much I sleep, and see other girls my age who don’t have any of this, it depresses me every time I look in the mirror.
I previously had Botox and filler around there which gave amazing results, but I can’t afford that every few months. I’ve been using retinol for a few weeks but I imagine the results will be minimal.

Wish my lips were bigger too, not huge, bee stung lips which look evidently filled, but just slightly plumper.

I just feel rubbish and that I used to look better. Also waiting for a too short haircut to grow out.

Something else making me insecure is that my partner’s female colleague who I was a bit concerned about but who quit, has announced she’s returning to the job.

I just feel like saying screw it and getting the filler all over.

You do sound very down on yourself and I wonder if counselling for self esteem might help?

Also have you spoken to your DP about this colleague? Why were you concerned about her previously?

On the physical side...

Give the pill a bit longer..my daughter went on it a couple of years and I can't remember how long it took but her acne was non existent within a couple of months. If it doesn't work you can ask your GP about other options...maybe stick to really simple skincare products in the meantime.

I've nothing against botox, other than not being able to afford it myself , but I'm 15 years older than you!

Could you afford to have extensions to lengthen your hair if you think that would help you feel better?

Retinol is famous for purging - i had awful outbreaks when I started because I did not introduce slowly. Did you start off using daily? You should try once a week for a month, then twice etc instead. It's not a miracle product where you slap more on and it works better. It takes months to see effects.

I also find Retinol made my eye wrinkles worse as it can be drying. So I put on eye cream 1st. Moisturiser b4 or after slows absorption rather than 'shocking' your skin.

But first and foremost, I think you need to work on your self esteem. Start focusing on the bits you do like instead of this list of dislikes. We can't turn back time, but we can look our best for our age. But if you feel shite about yourself, you'll never look in the mirror and feel happy with what you see.

1. Get off social media. Seriously delete it. If you don’t want to delete your profiles then at least delete the apps for a while. Take a month off minimum.

Social media especially things like Instagram and TimTok are going to fuel any insecurities you have, cannot stress this enough, if you have socials then take a dedicated break from them immediately.

1. Start focusing on the things you do like - even if it’s just lovely nails or long eyelashes. Focus on these things and say them out loud

1. Surround yourself with people who don’t care about appearances. Choose hobbies where it’s irrelevant what you look like - running, reading, boxing - whatever you’re interested in. Choose something that requires skill and effort and is nothing to do with looks.

1. Start reading - choose things like “the beauty myth”. Read feminist blogs and books.

Understand that appearance does not define your worth. The girl from work might be super attractive but that doesn’t mean she’s a better person or girlfriend than you. I bet she’s been hurt and cheated on or made to feel like shit by a man, the same as the rest of us.

If you feel insecure in your relationship then it’s time to look at the internal reasons for that. It’s not another woman’s fault that she’s attractive and it makes you feel bad.

In terms of your acne I would really recommend Niacinimide or Azalyic acid (sorry check spelling?) or even BHA - the paulas choice 2% is good.

Retinol will help smooth and solve skin issues but it does take time, you have to give it a good few months, don’t give up on it.

Don’t forget sunscreen! SPF is essential if you use these types of products.

But the bottom line is that no matter how “good” someone looks, they still have all the same struggles as anyone else.

The best thing you can do is change your thoughts and mindset, so that you’re happy(ier?) in your skin even on “ugly” days.

My internet is rubbish so I type replies then they don’t send lol

Thanks for the suggestions, it may well be the retinol making me break out, I have been using it every other night but will try moisturiser with it

It’s not to do with how attractive she is or isn’t, it’s just all the cagey behaviour that happened which makes me feel insecure. Nothing I can do about it though I girss

I just never thought I’d have such bad eye area ageing at 30/31.
Sadly my hair is currently too short for extensions but hopefully in a couple of months

I’ve just started even paying more attention to other women in the street and thinking they look better.

I got bullied for my looks when I was younger, in the past couple of years I became really happy with how I looked and now feel like I’m losing it again.

I think I’m just going to go ahead with the fillers

I'm sorry you are feeling so rubbish and I can totally understand the urge to try to 'fix' whatever you think is wrong with your appearance but I don't think that's the problem here. You seem to have very low self esteem and I fear that whatever you do physically to change your looks, you'll keep finding other problems when you look in the mirror until you get to the nub of the problem. @Ohpulltheotherone has made some really sensible suggestions - I would seriously consider taking her advice even if you do also decide to go ahead with the fillers etc

it depresses me every time I look in the mirror.

My tried and tested method: as a short term measure, I would suggest you stop looking in the mirror, or limit it to only before you go out in the morning, to check your reflection.

Give yourself a break for a while.

I saw a girl in the shops yesterday, every inch of her was pretty and immaculate. Just felt so rubbish in comparison. I know looks aren’t everything, but I feel that life is short and if I want to make myself look better I should.

You need to concentrate fully on why your self image is so poor. Not about if I do x y and z to my face I will b happy.

Were you bullied at school and how does your partner treat you? Because it’s your self esteem that’s a big issue here.

Compare down. Dont ever compare up

If your boyfriend is being cagey about the woman at work, then this isn't something you should ignore. It's also not a reflection on you or about how you look - it's about him. You deserve a partner who treats you well.

other girls my age

Do you really think of yourself as a girl?

Aren’t you proud and thrilled to be a grown woman?

Honestly, no one of 31 should be filling their face with Botox.

It must be very hard to feel so much negativity towards your own appearance. Are there not other things in your life that you might focus on - training, travel, career …?

I think you need to try to understand why your value as a person is so tied to your appearance. Get the filler as a short term solution if you want to, but it's not going to make you feel better about yourself in a meaningful way. I really think it sounds like therapy is the way forward here. Being conventionally beautiful is not the rent you pay to exist in the world. Being hot doesn't make you worth more.

I don’t want my partner to think others are better looking than me
I do feel better when I look my best and I can’t help it
Thanks for the suggestions on here

Your issues sound diet related to me

What you eat impacts your hormones and this comes out in many ways including acne, dark circles and generally bad skin

What do you eat?

It might be better to start there than committing hundreds of pounds to fillers

OP, there are more than seven billion people on the planet - you can’t intend to keep altering your face to compete with every single one?

Your partner, if they are the right person for you, will love your face, and your personality, values, aspirations … You cannot control how they perceive this or that other person’s combination of facial features. It is pointless to try.

Look after your health, instead.

Get a weekly veg box. You’ll be amazed at what a difference copious vegetables and no processed food can make to your complexion.

In the nicest way in the world, could you focus your energy into something more constructive? A new hobby? A career or education goal? Travel? A savings goal for a new car/ home? DIY project? Anything really.

At the moment you're tying up your success just in your looks.

I admit my diet isn’t the best.. but I don’t drink at all, have never smoked, wear spf 50 every day, sleep well etc so still feel like it shouldn’t be this bad