How to let go of resentment - possible ADHD

[Glitterflame]

I don't know if iabu

I have struggled for years with my mental health, especially since having children 14 years ago. One son is diagnosed ASD and the other son diagnosed ADHD. I am awaiting an assessment for ADHD.

My whole life I have been the "black sheep" in my family - whilst all my siblings have been very successful career wise I have gone from one dead end job to another. I have not worked for 10 years. I got through school and university hardly working, revising the night before and getting A grades.

The reason I feel so resentful is that my birth family has not been at all supportive of me. I have always been seen as a lost cause, being called annoying, weak, oversensitive, head in the clouds, immature, whilst they are all very successful.

I feel so resentful and annoyed. Obviously years of history that I can't detail in this post! I have no idea what they would say if I got a diagnosis - would they apologise? How can I let all of this resentment go and move on? I have been to counselling a few times which has helped in some ways but not for this. It's like I want understanding and validation for what I have been through, which I am very sure has been undiagnosed ADHD.

Apologies can not fix the past
You dont need that to move on
Just move on regardless. Know your own worth. Your brain might be wired differently but a true family should have accepted you no matter what.
You are enough. You don't need Apologies to go on. You need more counselling and help with your adhd assessment. And then live life to the fullest. You have another family too (your boys) . The other family can go sit in the corner somewhere .

Hello
I get you Op
I think I have adhd too. I have been feeling rubbish recently

I went to an expensive private boarding school and was basically neglected And so poorly advised about my future
I am fuming now: want my parents' money back (yes I know it doesn't work that way)

I am also not earning nearly what I think I should be; been working for 22 years but still not earning that much more than I did when I graduated

But the other poster is right

You can't look back too much

We have to move forward

Sorry you are struggling. I felt angry and resentful after being diagnosed as autistic aged 40. My parents used my differences as a reason to abuse, reject and bully me. I was constantly called names, told to behave differently and screamed at eg ‘why can’t you just be normal’.

You have every right to feel resentful but I don’t know what the answer is. Counselling did help me but most of my feelings have just faded on their own as I have focused on building a life that makes me happy, whilst accepting my challenges. I hope you find the peace you deserve f

Thank you for your replies. I think my feelings were triggered yesterday by having had a conversation with my Mum. I tried to gently broach the subject of me potentially having ADHD, as I knew it wouldn’t be well received, and her reaction was either to try to change the subject, or else just look hurt and say that I had no problems growing up and always did well at school…Aaaaargh! Yes, I seemed to have no problems as any problems I had were seen as character flaws, (chronic disorganisation, crap executive function, procrastination, distraction, highly sensitive and emotional etc...) I had no one to talk to who would believe me, and the problems have now turned into years of depression and anxiety. I just found it so frustrating that she can’t/won’t try to understand

@Marvellousmadness you are totally right, apologies cannot mend the past. You have hit the nail on the head that it’s about me knowing my own worth (which I don’t). I think counselling specifically for ADHD or ADHD coaching will be very useful at this point – I went to counselling for years and couldn’t quite understand why the cycle of depression and anxiety never went away, but it is now explained by the ADHD wiring. I really want to embrace life and live life to the fullest, and I think the first step will be the assessment and hopefully getting a diagnosis.

@batmanladybird I’m sorry you have been struggling too. That sounds an awful situation at your boarding school and I really get your feelings about it. I don’t know about you, but for me it almost feels like I have been totally overlooked and left to struggle, with no one really that bothered (Yes, I know that sounds self pitying!). It’s true though, we do have to move forward, it’s the only way. I am currently feeling that if I get a diagnosis, that will be the first step in self acceptance and learning to move on – are you planning to get assessed?

@EssexLioness it’s so hard isn’t it, when we were misunderstood as children and blamed and abused for just being ourselves. I’m sorry you had to go through all that too. I’m glad to hear that counselling did help you, and that’s inspiring to hear that you are now building a life that makes you happy. That’s such an achievement

Ha ha - I got diagnosed recently (adult ADHD) - some of my family just don't accept it exists.

I am very angry like you OP - finally a conformation that it's not my fault that the whole world is run backwards; but I haven't quite worked out what to do about it.

I felt like this too! I have Aspergers and ADHD…. And my mum still refuses to acknowledge my diagnosis because I wear normal clothes and have a good job. On my wedding day she said “see - you aren’t autistic. You’re normal!!”

all I ever try and do is be nice and thoughtful (it’s really difficult sometimes, especially when family are being arses). But I kill them with kindness! And crack on with my own life.

As the Polish say “not my circus, not my monkeys”

Keep moving forwards!

Same here OP.
All you can do is move on honestly resentment eats you up from the inside

I could have written this.

I'm the black sheep of my family. They use my "bad behaviour" as the reason I'm in the wrong but both my mother and sister are carbon cutouts of each other won't refuse to see another view and don't believe autism exists.

A month ago i went no contact.

I'm distraught at the loss of a "family" but realised that I was the only one who put effort into a relationship. Counselling also helped me see I was often the scapegoat in this drama triangle.

@Inquisitivearchitect

I felt like this too! I have Aspergers and ADHD…. And my mum still refuses to acknowledge my diagnosis because I wear normal clothes and have a good job. On my wedding day she said “see - you aren’t autistic. You’re normal!!”

all I ever try and do is be nice and thoughtful (it’s really difficult sometimes, especially when family are being arses). But I kill them with kindness! And crack on with my own life.

As the Polish say “not my circus, not my monkeys”

Keep moving forwards!

That reminds of the Jeanette Winterson book - "Why be happy when you could be normal"

@Glitterflame thank you, I hope you can move on too and in the meantime be kind to yourself. My diagnosis helped me accept myself and my quirks and realise that some of the things I was bullied for eg not being able to ride a bike, were not my fault. And by understanding my ASD i reframe some things eg I can’t ride a bike but I did learn to drive a car and am now a confident driver. Instead of that being something I take for granted, I am proud cos I know that my condition means many people are unable to do this as it is more of a challenge for us. By being kinder to myself I think it has helped me move on. My dad still doesn’t understand or really care about my diagnosis but I am low contact with him so this doesn’t bother me ass much. My mum was my main abuser and was truly vile to me all my life. My mental health was destroyed by her behaviour till I reached a point 8 years ago where I went no contact. That was before my diagnosis but it has made a huge difference to my quality of life. Not suggesting you do the same, but could you perhaps reduce contact so that you can focus on your own life more, without the pain? For me, I found old resentments and hurt came flooding back every time I spoke to my mum or saw her, so the less contact the better. I couldn’t be me with all that emotion sitting heavy on my shoulders

@Iguessyourestuckwithme, sorry to hear how badly you have been treated. I had an awful/ non existent relationship with my own abusive mother but even though I didn’t really love her in the end, I was still devastated at going no contact. Some people think this is an easy decision but it really isn’t. You grieve for everything that could’ve been, your hopes and dreams for a loving family who accept and understand you. I just want to reassure you that as distraught as you are right now, it really does get better. I am 8 years down the line and I am happy in life, where I never could be when in contact with mum. I have grieved for my dreams of a healthy loving family and am so much better on my own. My confidence is better than ever and I have peace in my heart. You will get there and when you feel sadness or doubt, remember why you felt necessary to take this step

@essexlioness (I'd love to be an Essexlioness I'm more a Essexemu)

Thank you. It made me cry but thank you. You're right it was a very hard decision. Outing myself here but I was living with my mother for a short time and during that time my mental health smashed through the floor. If you search my username I nearly became a missing person, I contemplated suicide and I was having g the samaritans calling me to check on me jot the other way round. My stress and anxiety levels were 21/23 and 18/21 once I moved out and went non contact they went to 8.

One if the things that was always thrown at me was "you're so rude, what's wrong with you, you must be autistic" all because I like my own personal space and try not to be an issue for anyone else. I paid money to be assesed recently because I wanted to see if I really was the awful human they say I am or if I'm struggling. and the screening questionnaire basically says they think I'd benefit from a diagnosis and seeing my results Im floundering. I sent the results to my mother and the stone wall went up. She said she would understand my behaviour if I was autistic as she thought I was just rude but even when showing her the results she still can't think of anyone but herself right now.

I've just started reading difficult mothers and it's a punch to my gut.

I really feel for you OP (and others on this thread). I was diagnosed with ADHD (inattentive type) this year and it was such a relief. All my life my parents have said I am "hopeless" and they "didn't know where they went wrong" with me. I have been a perpetual disappointment and irritation to them. Not helped by the fact that I had a golden child sister who was practically perfect in every way.

In my late 20s I pulled out all the stops to improve my life/future, got a qualification and had a successful career (it has been HARD doing it with a scrambled brain as I call it). But guess what, they still weren't proud. My role in the family is the disappointment and they won't acknowledge that has changed.

I had some therapy a few years ago and worked through it and most of the time I am able to put them out of my head. What I took away from it was that I can't change how other people are and I don't need their approval to be kind to myself. The career i worked so hard to impress them with now benefits me, my husband and children. Ironically my sister who was top of every class has ended up with no proper career and they are still immeasurably proud of her. It was always going to be like that though.

I haven't told my parents about my diagnosis and I probably won't bother. They will probably just roll their eyes and pretend they haven't heard.

@Iguessyourestuckwithme I’m so sorry for what you went through, sounds absolutely horrific and I relate to feeling suicidal. I was rock bottom for a long time.
I never used to be a lioness, definitely more of an emu. The lioness actually came from counselling and I was told to visualise myself standing up to my violent ex husband, as I had low self esteem from that as well as my mum. He was a monster and I was terrified of him. I imagined myself looking straight at him and telling him to get the f out of my house. Just the thought of imagining this scenario (years after I actually left him) made me a shaky mess. So I imagined myself with a beautiful lioness by my feet as I said those words. My lioness gave me the courage that I didn’t have by myself. She was my talisman in a way and helped bring a breakthrough with my counselling. So much so that the lioness is me, or at least I try to be: gentle and sweet and classy, until I need to give F off vibes, then I am strong and powerful and stand my ground. Sorry if that sounds cheesy! Sure you can be a lioness too in time if you wish 😊