To ask if you learn better social skills and self awareness as an adult?

[PonderingMyNavel]

Genuinely wondering if this is possible or whether some people have it and others don’t? I’ve noticed that people don’t react that well to me despite my best efforts, I am a kind honest person and manage well in one on one situations. I do struggle socially and honestly wonder if this is something that others have managed to turn around or help others to turn around?

I had far more social skills in my teens and early twenties than I do now. I fell heavily in love when I was in my early twenties and it wasn't reciprocated by my boyfriend and when we split up he blamed it on me by saying he didn't want me to stay with him as he'd never get married or have children. Six months later a mutual friend told me he'd moved in with his girlfriend, and nearly 40 years later he's still with her , not married or had children.

I let this colour my life until I was diagnosed with depression and worked through it. I'm so used to withholding myself from other people that I'm now an introvert whereas I was an extrovert with plenty of self confidence.

Much more self aware but far less social confidence has been my experience as an adult.

My social skills have improved with age and I'm much more likely to speak up and smooth things over if I pick up that something isn't right than I would have been when I was younger.

I thought I had but I've been Wendied several times and seem to attract narc 'friends'. If a group are talking about someone behind their back, I'm the person they are talking about. I'm better in one to one and online than in groups.

You do learn these as you get older, yes. But I tend to think it's like learning to cook or learning to drive or speak French or crochet - you have to want to learn them, you have to be aware that it's something you need to invest time and effort in, and sometimes you need to actively learn from others. It doesn't just happy by magic with no investment of time or effort.

mine are better but a lot of it was (and still is) "fake it 'til you make it" . By that I mean, I just pretend to be more sociable in a lot of situations without actually giving any of myself away. I do have some close friends and relationships where I am definitely me, but others where I am the person I need to be - so think things like work type social situations/training courses. The best start is really eye contact and a smile and listening to what people actually say.

My DS really struggles and I hope he manages to get better too.

Good luck OP.

My understanding of social situations has improved massively, looking back on myself in my teens and early 20's onwards.

I've always known I was a bit of a 'marmite' personality. Although I had no idea what it was that put some people off, I knew it must be something I did and do wondered what that was.

Most of my closer friends were the kind of people who would shrug their shoulders and say ' can't please everyone'.

A few years back, I had a boss who, looking back, was quite dreadful and was eventually made redundant. Phew.

While he was around, I got to know quite well, a colleague who is very lovely but not naturally a kindred spirit. It turns out that her super power is to be 'nice' to everyone, even to her own detriment.

From observing her way with people, I have learned a lot about how to get on with people. How to find their 'handle', the thing that lets you pick up even a boiling hot saucepan.

We eventually talked quite openly about 'horrible boss' which lead into talking about how to get in with different kinds of people. It opened my eyes and got me observing different interactions and helped me see which of my own interactions are not helpful and put some people off me.

When it matters to me, I can tone these parts of me down. It's really satisfying to get to know people who would formerly give me a bit of a wide berth. She is kind enough to say that I showed her how to get out of conversations which demand too much if you because not everyone deserves all your time and attention.

So , yes, even in my 60s, I have learned some people skills and really enjoy using these new skills. I think the first thing you need to to want to do things differently, then start seeing how other people approach that way differently then try practising your new skills.

Good luck.

My self awareness and self confidence improved, then nosedived and have now improved again.
I think a lot can depend on who you surround yourself with, and what you read and listen to.
I read a book recently on being a good listener, and one about validation too.

Some really helpful suggestions here that really resonate with me. I have a colleague who very obviously does the “fake it till you make it” strategy and has been very successful doing so.

It’s becoming more apparent to me as I get older that you do need to put in the work, being kind and honest just doesn’t cut it in some situations. Small talk in group situations is something that I really struggle with and I end up just closing up entirely. Will try starting small and working on that.

I try to encourage DS to have a few questions to ask people that means he doesn't have to think too much and make himself nervous and hopefully has a chance to calm a bit whilst listening to the answers.

Just simple stuff like "what have you been up to lately?", "how is uni going?"