There's a party upstairs and I need a handhold if anyone's around

[whyamilikethisidontknow]

Feel like I have a huge well of sadness in my head, and if I start crying I will never stop.

We were invited to a party this evening (different timezone to UK) and I originally thought it'd be nice to pop up for a drink or two...But I just got so upset tonight and couldn't face it.

My life revolves around dealing with my disability on a day to day level, and then the larger picture of the heartache of a parent who has stage 4 cancer. I have no conversation, I have literally lost everything I'm interested in, I couldn't go to the party because it's like I'm from some different species where I don't get to do things like have a career and have babies.

So I didn't go. Because I'd have nothing to say, and would just have to nod politely along at other people chatting and then come home.

I feel bereft, I fucking hate illness and shitty fucking disability and health shite.

I feel that a warm blanket and a hot drink would be a nice idea. Maybe a box set? It won't take the sadness away, but it doesn't sound like you need a party right now, it sounds like you need a mini-hibernation, a distraction and to be cossetted. There will be other parties where you feel more like the life and soul.

Hi @whyamilikethisidontknow I couldn’t read and run. I am not in the same position exactly, but I have a debilitating and long term health condition which means that I end up four times iller than “normal” people with minor things like colds. I’ve just recently had sepsis from a perforated eardrum after developing a cold and have been ill for over six weeks. I’ve been in and out of hospital, on fistfuls of antibiotics, painkillers and steroids and felt just awful. This was the very same cold that DH got and brought in from work and was literally over within two days and a few sachets of Lemsip.
Especially at this time of year I feel like I’m just constantly managing my health and fantasise about living in my own little bio dome!

This, which has been going on for nigh-on 20 years, plus the past couple of years with Covid has meant that I’ve felt isolated and depressed for so long now that it’s beginning to feel like the default. And I don’t have the other factors going on with my parent or feeling lonely, so I can only begin to imagine how you’re feeling. It’s absolute wank and not fair at all. You have every right to be fed up.

I would suggest that perhaps you need to have a chat with your GP about how you’re feeling mentally. Would that be possible? I know you aren’t in the U.K. but I’m hoping wherever you are there is a system for you to access. Please don’t pressure yourself to socialise; often when you’re feeling vulnerable like this it can feel very pressing that you “get out and get going” but my experience is that this never works and I always end up setting myself traps and feeling worse as a result.

I’m so sorry that things are so tough for you right now. To quote the late, great George Harrison: Now the darkness only stays the night-time, in the morning it will fade away. Daylight is good at arriving at the right time, it’s not always going to be this grey.

Thinking of you.

My life revolves around dealing with my disability on a day to day level, and then the larger picture of the heartache of a parent who has stage 4 cancer. I have no conversation, I have literally lost everything I'm interested in

It sounds like you're grieving . I could have written your post.

I'm sorry OP. Life is cruel at times. I hope you are being distracted by something of comfort now.

I’m so sorry that things are hard for you right now, OP. Agree that it sounds as if you need warmth and comfort right now more than anything else. Isn’t it a shame that physical hugs can’t be sent online. (This slightly kills me as my therapist, whom I’ve only met on Zoom, has said she’d hug me if we met in person!) Parties just aren’t the right thing sometimes. I get that it hurts though. Keep talking to us on here xxx

You don't have to say anything.

You ask people about them. Most of them are so oblivious to other humans that they'll talk at you for an hour before pausing for breath.

You're grieving. My dad died of lung cancer almost 2 years ago. It's horrendous. Cut yourself some slack.
If you do want to socialise then I'd second just asking people about them and thinking of one or two things to talk about. A tv problem or book is ok.

Disability is shit. (Also disabled)