Worried about dd - possible autism

[Stephthegreat]

Dd is 9 and has been having increasing ‘meltdowns’ over the past few months. It’s got to the stage when I worry about doing things with friends or family as certain things seem to trigger her. The meltdowns are not typical tantrums, they are over things which I really don’t understand and she also is very literal about things.

She has some teddies that she is very fixated over, she gets upset if she can’t find them or if a friend picked one up to look at it she gets upset and worried. She also has been flapping a lot when home. We play board games together and do nice activities to distract her but she goes back to flapping a cloth around the room. It’s constant and repetitive, she seems to talking and playing but she gets angry if we try to stop her. It goes on for long periods of time.

AIBU to think there could be autism? My family feel it’s just a stage she’s going through but I’m finding her behaviour very difficult.

Don't dread Christmas with her. Strategise. Think carefully about what stresses her out and triggers her, and then minimise those things. Accommodate her. Include her, but also allow her to step out of the proceedings, and supply a safe space to do so.

Christmas in our house is a bit different to other people's houses, but no less for that.

I will speak with the GP. Dd hasn’t got a speech delay though and generally seems okay at school, it seems like she only has meltdowns at home.

It's very common for autistic girls in particular to 'mask' at school and only meltdown at home where they feel safe. You are right to talk to the GP, and it would be a good idea to talk to the SENCO at her school as well.

Just to say that we have had exactly this with our 7yr old DS including lots of masking and anxiety about going to school and it has finally come out that there is some bullying going on, but of the manipulative, sly, controlling verbal type (with a bit of physical non-contact intimidation) that is much harder to point out than someone getting punched or their bag ripped etc.
We are still very much in the midst of addressing things and are still not ruling out anxiety/asd etc but you might want to check this out in some depth with your daughter too. Our son found it hard to explain/report as only a small percentage of comments/events were massively clearly over the line on their own, it was more of a pattern thing. Also he didn't realise that adults would see threats as being serious if there wasn't actual violence.

I'd definitely look into it. We know so much more now about how autism manifests in girls - if I'd known then what I know now, I'd have picked up on DD2 at about the same age your DD is now. My DD is 18 and just starting the process of assessment now, but it's pretty clear she's going to get a diagnosis.

I would say that it isn't the end of the world. The adaptations needed to make life work for her are subtle and not enormous. My DD is at university, has good friends and a girlfriend, is coping well with the academic workload and generally has a good quality of life. Your DD will have that too. It will be a learning process for your entire family, but you can do it.

She sounds like my teenager with ASD was. If you consider that she's learnt how to act 'normal' and whenever she's in company she's playing that part, then only being able to keep it up for so long and being exhausted by it makes sense. The anxiety of having to guess at societal rules and fear of things changing without her understanding why is huge. That translates into a need to control some things so there are times she can relax.