So to preface I grew up in quite a violent household. My step dad would hit me and my mum and would scream and shout and swear in our face, and my stepbrother sexually assaulted me on a number of occasions. My husband is fully aware of my history but find it difficult to control his anger at times. He used to hit doors and walls and slam things when he got angry at me but to be fair to him he hasn't hit anything in about 2 years.
Last night I had gallbladder pain and had to take some codeine so I wasn't much use. My husband had to make the kids tea but was too tired after work to clean the kitchen so when I made lunch today room was limited. I shouted the kids to get their food but as they came to get it my husband called them into the living room to show them the new Christmas tree he bought. I hadn't heard this part though so as far as I was aware they had come down stairs and gone straight to the living room so I shouted through for them to come get it from the kitchen. Yes I probably did sound exasperated as the kitchen as a state and I had limited room (yes I know I should have cleared it first but we were out most of the morning and so lunch was already late and I didn't want to delay it any further). My husband came through and told me off for telling the kids off. I said I didn't feel I deserved to be told off and that's when he cornered me at the dishwasher (he said he was washing his hands which is why he was so close) he started screaming and shouting and swearing in my face and told me it was time I learned a few home truths and that it was my fault because I should have cleaned the kitchen last night and told me to stop fucking crying and shaking because it makes him feel bad that he can't express his anger at me when it's perfectly fine for me to be emotional and upset. He said he only gets like this rarely (maybe 8 occasions over the last 5 years) and so he shouldn't have to be held responsible for my upbringing. So is someone screaming and shouting and swearing in your face OK in relationships where people haven't had a violent upbringing and am I overreacting? If so should I go speak to someone about my reactions as me getting upset just seems to escalate things anyway