AIBU to look into a child psychologist for my 4-year-old?

[UpToMyElbowsInDiapers]

DD 4.5 has a 2.5-year-old brother and a new(ish) 6-month-old baby brother. She also started full-day kindergarten 3 months ago, 5 days a week, as is the norm where we live.

Prior to starting school (when she was in full-day preschool 4 days a week), she was confident, out-going, polite, and just seemed extraordinarily well adjusted.

Since starting school, she has been sullen and volatile. She is having almost daily meltdowns as bad as (or worse?) than when she was in her “terrible twos”. Some meltdowns leave her hyperventilating. Once she started biting herself. She’s been biting her nails to the quick every day, and crying explosively at really minor things (like if she asks me something while muttering, and I ask her gently to repeat a word so that I understand; or if she asks for a big slice of bread and instead we give her two small slices that were already cut). She’s experimenting with telling little lies, and takes a weird sort of delight in being caught.

She’s also been waaaay exaggerating minor issues, but she truly believes she is telling the truth. Yesterday I told her to dress well and warmly, because I’d be taking her to the Christmas market and it’s cold out. I went out for an hour and left her with my sister. When I came home, she was just calming down from another scream-crying and hyperventilating session because she got jam on her dress and she thought I wouldn’t bring her to the market anymore. I have never threatened anything like that! Nor have I ever said anything like that in the past!

Today she kicked her 2.5-year-old brother in the head for absolutely no reason. She has never been violent before. She is usually devoted to her brothers.

I know there have been some huge changes in her life in the past 6 months, and especially the past 3. I keep trying to be patient, and spend extra time with her doing calm things, whenever I can. I keep waiting for her to get back to normal, but I’m beginning to become concerned that she may be excessively anxious or that something else is up.

Her teachers have zero concerns. They say she is a delight in class (though quiet in large groups), good at making new friends, and way ahead of where she is expected to be on numeracy and literacy. But I can’t shake the feeling that something is wrong.

My mum and sister see all her behaviour and agree that she’s going through a challenging phase, but think it isn’t anything to worry about just yet.

I’m contemplating being a bit more proactive and trying to get an appointment with a child psychologist. It’s the degree of change I’ve seen in the past three months that worries me most, and the self-biting / hyperventilating.

But AIBU? Is this just normal 4.5-year-old behaviour?

Yes I definitely think you should try and get to the bottom of what's caused this huge change between preschool and kindergarten. Something seems to be really bothering her. Maybe a professional could get to the bottom of it

I think you're right in that all the change must be overwhelming her, it's true they can go through awful phases when worried or overwhelmed but I think if your gut is telling you to see someone for it, go for it.

You're being a good mum and as you say you 'cant shake the feeling' so perhaps do speak to someone first and see if they think it's advisable to organise some sessions for your dd

I agree it sounds like some typical 4yr old behaviour. Especially if she's had some big life changes in the last few months. They start becoming more aware of emotions but not always how to express them so they can come out with lashing out, tantrums, shouting etc.

If her teachers aren't concerned that's a good sign.

If I was in your shoes I wouldn't be consulting doctors etc.

Try and give her some one to one attention if you can (which I know is hard with younger siblings).

No, not normal 4 year old behaviour at all, she sounds incredibly distressed. From what you describe it doesn’t seem like just ordinary natural feelings of jealousy or displacement which might come with having younger siblings.

I would probably keep her away from kindergarten for a few weeks to see if there’s any improvement. If not then a psychologist appointment might not be a bad idea.

I hope she feels better and less anxious soon op

If her teachers aren't concerned that's a good sign this isn't always true.
I work with a number of children who have very obvious issues which were not noted or flagged at all by teachers and it took after school youth services/sports coaches to bring it to light .

Hi op, yes sounds like very bad anxiety your DD is experiencing , could be the impact of the pandemic aswell as change in family dynamics - I would seek a consultation with child psychologist to see what you can do to support her xxx

I think it is sort of normal in the first few terms of school for children to be absolutely exhausted. Our Reception and Year 1 kids are knackered by Friday afternoon, and it is not unusual to have an angel in our classroom who starts screaming and pummeling their sibling as soon as they exit the school gate. I would give it another few months and make sure afternoons and weekends are very calm. Plus an early bedtime can help if she will sleep well. It is a huge change, even if she went to full time childcare before.

My 5yo DD goes to Reception in my school and I get constantly told how lovely she is, but at home, she is really trying to control everything she can with screaming or refusing, and toileting has become an issue as it is just about the only thing she has control over. It is so hard, and I empathise totally!

She might be masking at school and when she gets home and feels safe that is when she acts out. She does sound pretty normal 4 year old behaviour but have a listen or read of Cathy Creswell managing your child's fears and worries as a good starter book. That will also provide evidence to any psychologist going forward of what has worked well and what hasn't worked so fell for you both.

Is she positive about school? And seeming happy chatting about it normally? I would want to also feel very sure there wasn’t something going on there that could be an issue.

I think
A. It may be the long day. Being very tired doesn't help anyone control their emotions
B. Something at school isn't right eg. She is being bullied by children (or even teachers), or the expectation is too different from her pre-school. I would ask what they are doing in her kindergarten. Does it sound very different to preschool? Is there much less playing? It's it very structured? Are the staff much stricter?

I think if it had been home changes, she would have kicked off when baby was born so it screams school to me. Personally I'd put her back in preschool if you can.

Thanks everyone. I think I agree with the general suspicion that this is school-related. The kindergarten is still very play-based, with a lot of outside time and unstructured time. However, they also do a fair bit of reading, writing, counting, and basic addition/subtraction. It is a split-year class, so there are kids there who are 1.5 years older than her. Her teacher told me that in the first 7 weeks of school, DD pushed herself really hard and caught up with the strongest-performing oldest kids in the class on reading and writing. The teacher laughed that she doesn't know what she'll do with DD next year.

I think the teacher was trying to reassure me, but it also made me wonder if DD realizes that some of the other kids in her class are so much older than her and that she isn't expected to be "keeping up" with them (or surpassing them!). She's been a maniac at home the past few weeks about practicing, practicing, practicing her writing skills. I keep it fun when she asks me for help, but I also try to redirect her towards play. I think she's just having some intense performance anxiety about academics... at AGE FOUR!!!

I kept her home last Friday, and Fri/Sat she was still pretty explosive, but by Sunday she'd calmed right down and seemed like her old self again.

I'm hoping the Christmas holidays will be good for her. Just three more weeks of school, then two weeks off.

I'm going to start being pro-active in looking for a psychologist, knowing that the wait lists could be exceptionally long. I think I'll feel better knowing that we have an appointment in a couple of months if things aren't improving after Christmas.

In the meantime, I'll keep being encouraging about how she's doing at school but also keep the emphasis on playing with her friends. I'll try to carve out some extra one-on-one time over the holidays. If she calms down but then reverts back to this anxiety in January, I'll know it's school driven, and I'll keep her home a day a week until we can see a psychologist. The school may take issue with that, but she's only four so... I'll fight that battle if it comes to it!

Thanks for all the replies!

Sounds like she's ultra competitive. Not sure if a psychologist can help if she's naturally that way.

I think she probably is naturally competitive, and I wouldn’t necessarily aim to change that. Actually, it probably has many positives. But I do think she needs to learn some better coping strategies to channel any anxiety she feels over her natural competitiveness, because life is going to end up much more complicated and challenging than whatever Junior Kindergarten throws at her!

I can imagine all that school work is exhausting for 4.5yo
I've a 4.5 yo in a difficult phase at moment. I think related to growth spurt, dark mornings& evenings ect. He not at school yet cannot imagine him reading, writing.
He goes to full time Crèche singing songs, playing ect still exhausted end day/week

Does sound a little worrying and I would get her to see someone. It’s nothing to be worried about, it’s not like they’ll wheel her off like Hannibal Lector or anything, someone will just gently talk with her for a little while.

The violence toward a small child is worrying if it is as a hard kick. The posters disregarding this wouldn’t of it was a ds kicking a dd but remember at that age, with those age difference that doesn’t apply. If you feel she’s dangerous or going to become a bully to her younger brother nip it in the bud now for his sake too.

It wasn’t a hard kick. More like a gentle shove with a foot. DS didn’t even react (and trust me, he doesn’t hesitate to react when something bothers him!). It also hasn’t been repeated, thankfully. It just seemed really out of character, which is why I noted it.

I have access to online mental health support through work, so last night I had a chat with an (adult) psychologist who suggested that this is in the grey zone of whether to worry. She said each and every one of these behaviours is within the realm of normal If they lasted 2-3 weeks when school started, but the fact that we’re closing in on 3 months is at minimum a bit distressing and unfortunate for us all! So she did suggest a GP visit and casually looking for a child therapist (but not panicking if we can’t find someone suitable immediately). I feel better for having spoken to an expert about it.

The last 2 days, of course, DD has been DELIGHTFUL. Typical. 😂