Advice please

[Louise42131992]

Please can I have everyone’s opinion. I am due on 4th December, without my knowledge my in laws arranged to all come and stay on thanksgiving. I told my husband it is too close to the due date to have 8 people staying at the house for 4-5 days. Was I being selfish/ unreasonable?

Also in laws expect us to visit with newborn baby in a different state which would be roughly 17 hour drive. I’ve said there’s no way I will be wanting to do that with a newborn baby and a dog in the back seat. Again am I being unreasonable?

I’ve said to husband they can fly and visit in the new year.

Issue 1 - of course you're not being unreasonable. Say no.

Issue 2 - not just unreasonable to ask that you do that drive, but really dangerous for a baby to be in a car seat that long. Don't do it.

Thank you. Tried telling husband this, his sister simply said it’s the easiest time to travel because newborns just sleep. Like really? Who would want to travel with a baby a few weeks old for 17 hours 😑

There is absolutely no way I'd take a baby that young that far

Jesus christ don't let anybody put your newborn in a car/carseat for that long

Just keep saying no op. No way.
You are definitely not being unreasonable!

You should not have to stress like

It’s a big no from me.

Stick to your guns, say no.

Your husband is being a selfish pratt, if he wants visitors then HE can do all the hard work involved in that, of course he won't so that is NO.
Secondly he is being an idiot for wanting a newborn to travel that distance. Newborns only sleep?? Good luck with that. Do any of these people have any dealings with newborns? Do they understand babies should not be in a car seat for that length of time?
And lastly you don't know how YOU will feel when you have given birth. Why should you have to put up with a long car journey?
Say no, mean no, stick to your guns.

No way

To both

What country are you in? Thanksgiving has been and gone everywhere I know that celebrates it it so is the thanksgiving thing just to add context? It wasn't unreasonable if the US (a couple of days ago), maybe a bit unreasonable if Canada (a little over a month ago), I'm less clear on dates for other thanksgivings.

Suggesting they fly to you in a few months rather than you going to them with a tiny baby is definitely not unreasonable. It would also not be unreasonable to suggest they come in staggered groups (8 at once is a lot) or stay elsewhere if it's too many at once/your house can't accommodate them. Nor would it be unreasonable to insist your DH works out the logistics and does the work associated with hosting.

But I would caution that extended family relationships can be hugely beneficial when your baby is a little older. If this extended family may host weeks in the summer vacation when the kids are a little older, from a totally self-interested perspective, it may be worth grinning and bearing it and indulging them a bit now.

Thanks for response. I am in the USA so thanksgiving was yesterday, so a few months ago they arranged to come for thanksgiving (like 8 people including children, animals etc). I wasn’t asked about this at all. When I found out I said to my husband it is a week before my due date and i didnt want people here then in case I go into labour. And just the general feeling of being overwhelmed and heavily pregnant. Well since then it feels there has been guilt trips about the situation and now it’s expected we drive 17 hours when baby is 3-4 weeks old, which is just ridiculous. They never ask my opinion or how I feel, just assume what they want to do/ arrange is ok and when I stand up and say no Im made to feel like I’m not being reasonable etc.

You can have a new born in a car seat for more that an hour so that would be a long drive with lots and lots of stops! Defo would be me! They can come to u.

You cant*

If they are ignoring your wishes then this is a big red flag. You need to be more assertive and tell them, not suggest, not ask but tell them what you won't be doing and why. Your wishes and feelings are important too.
BTW your husband is still a pratt. He is married to you. Your feelings and wishes should be his priority.

Just say it’s a safety issue. Car seats are not recommended for newborns for more than 2 hours in a 24 hour period so no. If they want to visit the baby they come to you. No need to discuss further.

Not unreasonable to say that you can’t host 8 people in your house a week before your due date, can’t work out from your posts if they came or not.

As for going to them, 17 hours driving is madness for anyone, let alone a newborn. Unless it’s a road trip and you have time to enjoy the journey, which you wouldn’t, with a new born - stopping to breastfeed every two hours minimum, but it’s really dangerous for a baby to be in a car seat for that long - though you can get the lie flat type now I think which are Better. Plus, you and DH will be shattered after interrupted nights with a newborn, it wouldn’t be safe to drive!

You could fly though - it shows willing, shows that you care about them, and saying no to thanksgiving was genuinely about the practicalities rather than because you don’t like them. And flying short haul is pretty easy with a newborn, they just want to be held and feed, and you can do that constantly on a flight. You don’t need much gear at that stage other than a sling and somewhere for the baby to sleep if you aren’t co-sleepers, diaper bag and clothes. But wait until the baby is born to decided- it’s such an important time for bonding and recovery, and it’s OK to be a bit selfish and say no if you need to

They can drive the 17 hours in the new year. You are quite right. Good luck with these people though. Set firm boundaries and stick to them. They will eventually get the message.

Why would anybody drive 17 hours? Either they or you get a flight.

So it’s very common to drive cross country here. Long road trips, and we’ve done the journey a number of times. Plus we have dogs that we bring with us. But not with a baby, that is just ridiculous. I’m trying to resist the urge of loosing my temper, but I just feel like they are only concerned with what they want and not in the best interests of me and the baby.

Thank you 😊

So they didn’t come to thanksgiving as I told my husband to cancel the plans. But I think because that was cancelled it’s like we have to go out of our way to make it up?

Husband also said he regretted the decision not to have them here as it wasn’t a big deal etc. i guess because I still haven’t had the baby yet he feels they could have come and gone. But I’m trying to explain it’s not the point, no one can predict when a baby will come along and it would have been super stressful to have 8 people at my house if I would have gone into labour. I think there is some guilt tripping going on in subtle ways to make him feel bad. But I feel disappointed in that I don’t feel supported, I’m not trying to keep anyone away from the baby. I’m just trying to think about what will be best for our son.

@Newmum29

Just say it’s a safety issue. Car seats are not recommended for newborns for more than 2 hours in a 24 hour period so no. If they want to visit the baby they come to you. No need to discuss further.

^ This

@Louise42131992

So they didn’t come to thanksgiving as I told my husband to cancel the plans. But I think because that was cancelled it’s like we have to go out of our way to make it up?

Husband also said he regretted the decision not to have them here as it wasn’t a big deal etc. i guess because I still haven’t had the baby yet he feels they could have come and gone. But I’m trying to explain it’s not the point, no one can predict when a baby will come along and it would have been super stressful to have 8 people at my house if I would have gone into labour. I think there is some guilt tripping going on in subtle ways to make him feel bad. But I feel disappointed in that I don’t feel supported, I’m not trying to keep anyone away from the baby. I’m just trying to think about what will be best for our son.

Would he have done the work?

And have you told him about the dangers of car seats and newborns?

A huge no to both, and your husband needs to back you up. No way on earth would i agree to either of those in your shoes. Let others do the travelling, when baby is a bit older and you're in a routine with feeding etc settled.

AS they say on mn, no is a complete sentence.

You don't need to justify it with car seat safety etc. It's enough that you don't want to.

When you dh is the one having a baby he'll get to decide. Until then... it's your decision.

I'd tell your dh that you are watching at how he's behaving now and assessing whether he can indeed put your and your baby's welfare first. Because if not he's not going to make a great parent and you'll have to be thinking about what you'll be doing about that.

Next time he's looking forward to pushing something out the size of a melon then he gets an opinion. Until then he needs to shut the fuck up.

I'm shocked that none of these people seem to know anything about newborns??

Anyway op you won't be physically manhandled out of the house with your baby. So you keep saying no. Simply that.

Every attempt to make you feel guilty you ignore.

They have the option to travel to you when you feel able for it after recovering from childbirth. Or they can wait a while til it's safe for your baby to travel that far in a car.
That's all that can be offered.

Its blowing my mind that absolutely nobody is listening to you.

YANBU. I wouldn't let anyone stay at my house for that length of time anyway, let alone at nine months pregnant. Now is a very important time to set boundaries or they'll just try to walk all over you when the baby's born.