Am I justified in being annoyed with DH?

[Bunny2021]

My DH’s job is very social - it often means that he has to go into London every week for lunch with clients (which tend to go on for several hours and are very boozy).

We have a 4 month old baby that has reflux and colic issues - they are getting better but when they’re bad our baby will literally scream for hours. I also have PND/anxiety which I’m seeking therapy for. Looking after our DC and our dog (who is 18months and very bouncy) makes me really nervous- just feels a lot and I feel quite overwhelmed. My DH knows this.

He is fantastic with our baby and helps out even when he’s WFH. However, he is notoriously bad at being able to leave a social occasion early (he will always go for drinks after).

He had a lunch yesterday but also has a dinner tonight. He said the other day that he was going to get a 4:30 train up to London. I checked with him just now and he’s decided to book himself a haircut this afternoon in London (don’t get me started on why he doesn’t find a hairdresser in our town) so he’s actually going up an hour earlier (trains are hourly from where we live).

Am I slightly justified in being pissed off that there was no discussion about this and it now means that I have an additional hour by myself?

It’s also possible that he might “crash” at one of the guys houses tonight - I’ve said I’d rather he came home and slept in the spare room so at least he’s here. He gets such bad FOMO about leaving early.

And yet he doesn't suffer from FOMO over his own child. He needs a good talking to, OP. Time to grow up.

To answer your question you are not being unreasonable! What I would do is next weekend say you are going out, don’t know when you will be back and might crash at a friends - sometimes men need a taste of their own medicine to understand how stressful being left with a 4 month old a hyper pup is

But she might not want to just go off and leave her baby. It sounds as though she wants his help and support in the home rather than a night out herself.

HollowTalk Has said it all.

He'd rather be there than at home it seems.

Maybe just suggest it then and see his reaction to open up the conversation about how he is being unreasonable. As from reading the post it doesn’t appear to me that he thinks this behaviour is unreasonable

@Hopefullywaiting01234

To answer your question you are not being unreasonable! What I would do is next weekend say you are going out, don’t know when you will be back and might crash at a friends - sometimes men need a taste of their own medicine to understand how stressful being left with a 4 month old a hyper pup is

But in the vast majority of cases, a new Mum isn't going to fuck off without her baby so this "solution" will never work.

I don't know what the answer is op. If the man loves and cherishes you enough to marry and have a baby with you, I'd hope he'd bloody well listen to his depressed wife who is dealing with a huge life shift and huge caring responsibilities. Would he/does he listen when you tell him how you are feeling and what you need?

Also surely these social work lunches/dinners don’t need to involve alcohol and could be rounded up earlier, when he could be home to help out x

My DH is the same work wise - with the level he's at in the industry he's in, that's just how it works to win new clients / keep existing ones happy. I think he's away four nights a week every week in December!

Tbh I think you're totally not BU to be annoyed at him, it can be super annoying (I don't have a young baby either which would make it more annoying I'm sure!) but unfortunately I know it's not always as easy as some posters say when they suggest that DHs just don't go / leave early etc.

Is there anything that would help you - could you perhaps hire a dog Walker on those days to come and take the dog for an hour or so and work off some steam?

I know you've mentioned PND and anxiety, which can take any situation you'd normally be able to handle and flip it into something that takes all of your energy. Would you have family or friends you could pop to for tea on those times / could they pop in to see you?

Tbh I don’t think his behaviour is being unreasonable, although a discussion would be appropriate.

I would say YABU to be pissed off about the haircut. It's an hour. What's an extra hour? As long as you're also allowed to leave the baby with him while you get yours done.

The 'possibly' crashing at someone's house is not okay. Certainly not casually mentioning it.
If he had of explained at the time that this was an option and checked in to see how you felt about it, then I could sort of understand. But not dropping it on you.
Oh so I might be around to help you out when baby wakes during the night/walk the dog/help out in the morning so you get a lie in or whatever is not acceptable.

He is either coming home, or he's not. If he's not, he's a dick for not making arrangements with you earlier so you could possibly find help from friends or family or at least check that you felt comfortable on your own all night and morning.

If he waltzes home early afternoon tomorrow too, I'd be furious.

The haircut wouldn't bother me at all. If he works full time I would never count on him being around/available at that time of day anyway. The staying overnight though would be an issue for me if I had a baby that didn't sleep and I needed help. The drinking would be too. You are just not a safe parent when you are drunk.

I just can’t see this lasting a whole lot longer…DH also in city and due to rising Covid firms are starting to cancel socials.

Another thought. Any suggestion of alcohol dependency? Put it this way, if the drinks served were non-alcoholic would he hang on quite as long? I suppose if the drinks are on the firm he might just like a freebie…..

He's a selfish arse. Of course he is capable of leaving an event early. Why wouldn't he be?

He chooses not to.

Thank you everyone for your responses!

@ShowOfHands - yes he does listen when we discuss things. It just doesn’t occur to him before I have to have that discussion.

@MrzClaus - normally my mum comes by to help/take the dog. Unfortunately she’s not around tonight which I think is adding to my anxiety and feelings of being overwhelmed.

@Hopefullywaiting01234 - unfortunately the nature of his job is literally centred around alcohol and so there’s no other option!

Sorry OP but his job cannot be centred around alcohol, even if he works in a brewery or nightclub. Unless he is a wine taster this is bollocks.

People who don't drink alcohol manage to hold down jobs in every kind of profession.

Alarm bells would be ringing if it were me

Unless he is a wine taster this is bollocks.

Could be a spirits/wine rep delivering tasting training? Even then, you don't have to drink. It's just more difficult to give tasting notes/answer questions if you've never tasted it yourself.

@A8mint

Alarm bells would be ringing if it were me

Really? Are you suspecting him of an affair or an alcohol dependency?

@lockdownalli - not quite taster but yes, he works in the wine business. Hence why it’s not bollocks - it literally is his job to take clients for lunch to try the wines.