I've upset my friend - aibu?

[Toffeesprinkles]

I've been close with this friend for about 6 years, although we've known each other longer through mutual friends. She's recently self-diagnosed herself as autistic and I can see that she does have some of the characteristics that fit that diagnosis. She messages me all the time and I've been finding it a bit much lately. She's always messaged a fair amount but it does seem to have become more frequent since she realised she's autistic. She's explained that she finds it hard to control the amount of messages as she feels like she has to get stuff out of her head so writes it down and sends it to me. It's a lot of stream-of-consciousness type messages, with other more serious stuff that needs a more thoughtful reply mixed in. It's quite draining to pick up my phone to find 6 messages from her that I then have to reply to (she gets upset if I miss one out) and then as soon as I've replied I'll get 2 or 3 more and on it goes. So I brought it up with her and said I was finding it a bit overwhelming and struggle to think of the appropriate responses all the time and she got incredibly upset. I feel terrible and like I've ruined the friendship. I understand that info-dumps and oversharing can be autism traits and I can completely understand that she was upset (as I would be if anyone raised an issue with me) but I kind of feel like my feelings are also important and need to be taken into account. Or AIBU and perhaps I'm just being incredibly insensitive to an uncontrollable autistic trait?? Arghh!! I know the damage is done but what should I do from here?

No you’re not being insensitive at all. She could use a diary for this.
I’d feel the same as you.

Nothing you can do, your not a shrink- they normally get paid. There’s being a friend, then theirs being someone’s emotional punchbag.

YANBU. She is expecting more of you than is reasonable for a friendship. She needs to find other coping strategies.

To add: the oversharing/info dumping wouldn’t be so bad if she didn’t expect constant replies but expecting you to reply to every message is definitely unreasonable.

To add: the oversharing/info dumping wouldn’t be so bad if she didn’t expect constant replies but expecting you to reply to every message is definitely unreasonable.
Yes, exactly. You could mute her messages and still allow her to use you as a thought repository. And even say it to her: “I’m quite happy for you to send as many as you like, but because I’m at work/sleeping/chilling/etc, I’ll keep the thread on mute until I’m ready to reply in my own time at my own rate.” It’s the expectation of reply that’s awful.

YANBU at all and her upset at not being able to use you this way is very much a her problem, not a you problem. You need to set really strong boundaries and stick to them.

Thank you, I feel slightly less terrible now. It's hard to see clearly when you're in the middle of the situation! I don't want to lose the friendship, she really is so lovely, but I'm not sure it will be the same after this :(

I can completely understand that she was upset but I kind of feel like my feelings are also important and need to be taken into account

This is the next thing you say to her. Relationships aren't one way. That's what you pay a therapist for.

She should get formally diagnosed ( I know this will be long or expensive) she may then get access to help
she may have several issues ( M.H) that only an expert can guide her to expert help

You are not a support human.

I've read this a lot on mn, and it has really rephrased my thinking. We can be supportive and understanding and take others needs into consideration but we are not vessels to make others feel better at our own expense

Her feelings and needs don’t trump yours.

A good solution would be as pp have said, to allow her to message you as much as she wants on the understanding that you will reply in your own time.

If she could control the amount of messages she sent previously she can surely employ the same self control now, as nothing has changed, except a label she’s written herself and stuck on, so why the verbal diarrhoea now?

Just be honest about your feelings. They are as valid as hers.

I'm an autist and knew for over 20 years before being taken for assessment and diagnosis.

I'm one of the 'wall of text' types, where why say it in five words when you can use 500 (yep, I know, I cringe).

I've always said, regardless of not knowing it was an autistic thing, that I don't expect urgent replies and that I'm more than OK with being asked to hold off from the messaging at times, because I'm very self aware when it comes to my impact on others.

Your friend needs to understand that whatever the reasons for her sending messages this way, she does not get to excuse it with the autism angle and that a boundary for you is a boundary for you and is valid and healthy.

I'm friends with a few autists who send the same wall of text style messages as I do, and we love that we understand each other but we also wear each other out quickly

YANBU. I would be asking her to write her thoughts in a notebook, or electronically, but not to share them with you

If she gets upset them she gets upset you have to think about you first

YANBU, both your feelings are valid. She may not be able to see that clearly though. Please try to encourage her to get a professional diagnosis as she can then access the appropriate help (not to mention a correct diagnosis as her own may not be) and you can go back to being a friend.

YANBU, especially if she wasn't like this before.

I think bombarding someone with texts daily and expecting replies is rather like stalking - it's forcing yourself on an object of your affections in an entirely unreasonable way. You have every right to say it's too much, just desist. I really couldn't cope with this level of bombardment from anyone in my life, it would be like a complete invasion of my personal space.

Thank you, I really appreciate the replies. I think a formal diagnosis would be really beneficial for her but she's reluctant to go down that route due to cost mainly I think but also because she's certain she has it so doesn't feel she needs to pay out for someone to tell her what she already knows.

Tell her that you've found out that you are autistic and cannot respond on demand. In fact the overwhelm is real. Also you could then revert to rudeness. And blame your autism.

Sorry, I am venting somewhat as my daughter with autism is horribly rude and then says, 'sorry I was an asshole mum. I am autistic!'. (so am I, but I manage not to do this! arghhhhhh)

She is the same person as she was before she self diagnosed - she just has a label to excuse her from making an effort to restrain herself. There is a theory we are all on the Autistic Spectrum somewhere, so having traits is not necessarily a slam dunk to have a disorder. Even if she is ASD, it is not the job of the world or the people in it to adjust to her - she has to learn what is acceptable and not. And that includes realizing other people have feelings and needs and it is not all about them.

Is it through whatsapp? If they are you can mute her for weeks at a time and go in once a day and reply to the odd message or two.

Do not feel obliged to respond to everything you are not her councillor.

You could simplify things a bit and say in general, you've opted to minimise your phone use and look forward to catching up in person.

On WhatsApp you can switch off the last seen and read receipt functions.

Or turn your phone off and stick it in a drawer.

You don't need to be accessible 24/7. Not to anyone.

@Lostmyheart101

Nothing you can do, your not a shrink- they normally get paid. There’s being a friend, then theirs being someone’s emotional punchbag.

And shrinks have boundaries. Time, cost etc. OP yanbuaa

Autism or not, no one should make them selves uncomfortable or unhappy for someone else