Dh problem yes but what about IL's?

[helicopterwonderwoman]

I've nc for this as I don't want the thread to be linked to my previous posts.

A bit of a background so here goes...

I've been married to Dh for 5 years and we met whilst we were doing our masters degree. I come from a working class family but my parents are immigrants but they ensured all my siblings and I went to uni etc because it really mattered to them and in their home country if you don't have a degree, it basically means you are nothing although it's not the same case in this country.

My in laws come from a very middle class family in my home country and they still live there. Me and Dh and my family live in the UK. 3 years ago when I gave birth the relationship went batshit crazy as my in laws wanted to be so involved in dc's life. I spent most of my holidays there with my in laws so they could spend time with dc. On paper they seem like very nice people but the more time I spent with them meant that I actually had the chance to see through them even more! They aren't the kind and thoughtful people they make themselves out to be.

Dh and I had a lot of issues in our marriage because he wants dc to spend all his holidays with my in laws which means I have to as well. I realise I have a Dh problem but the problem is also that my in laws are constantly trying to meddle with my life. Despite living abroad, we spend every holiday with them so to put into context, this is literally at least 4 months of the year we spend together day and night!

After spending the summer holidays with the in laws, I've noticed and started putting the pieces together as I had a baby brain fog as I had no energy to fight back and put my boundaries in and also remember I am on my own. They also act like the perfect in laws so you can never pin them down. I've heard horrible comments from my in laws in the background this summer where they've stuck their nose in thinking it's ok to make remarks on how I look after dc and also the arguments I had with DH, it's now so obvious that they have been whispering in Dh's ears and mainly it's to do with my family living in the UK and how they get to see dc anytime they want and my in laws don't.

So AIBU to feel that I don't have to spend every opportunity I get with them just because my family live in the UK and have more access to dc? Mind you, my family are never taken to lavish holidays like my in laws just to see dc. Dh hardly sees my parents or ever spends time with them. My family visit during the day, take care of dc if I have a appointment somewhere and are always there whenever I need support whereas my in laws are always taken on holiday to see new places and not once have they ever offered support to me. They expect my dc to be flown around like a suitcase, checked into hotels, carried to restaurants and behave like I'm a nanny sweating my ass off entertaining a baby/terrible twos toddler whilst they enjoy their meals and do their sightseeing while I try to keep dc happy in a 30sq m hotel room to suit them and fulfill their need to see dc at their disposal.

I've noticed they've been trying to treat me like I've never seen this lifestyle before because my parents are working class and I would like to add that I'm a very well
Travelled person even before meeting DH. Their behaviour and expectations make me feel like I'm on a short leash and they could manage my life however and whenever they want to suit their lifestyle which is mainly to show off in their home country how they are the best grandparents, how many counties they've travelled to etc. my in laws not once has ever asked me what I've studied, what I've worked in and mind you in my previous job, I was a corporate senior manager! All my in laws ever talk about is how the other family members DIL's are a doctors, lawyers, MP's daughter etc but those DIL's hardly see their in laws let alone forced to spend time with them. I've said that and then they went to tell DH that I was jealous of them

This winter they want to go on another holiday and I said no and no more holidays. I will see them when I go back to my home country when it suits me and I'll see them if it's convenient for me. Maybe I worded this wrong but other than divorcing DH and removing the root cause, what's the best plan of action to underline my boundaries from now on? Please help you wise mumsnetters.

I think unfortunately if your dh is not willing to stand up to them, then there isn't a way around it. You can say that your dh takes the dc away to meet them for the holidays, but do you really want that. They do sound awful, at least you are standing up for yourself.

You have a massive DH problem!! You spend 4 months a year with them and he never goes too?! What's he doing in that time? He can't be working 365 days a year so what does he do with his annual leave. Get back to work, get some childcare, make it difficult for these holidays etc but make it easy for you to have financial independence from this rubbish man.

My first advice would be to ask are you happily married and do you want to stay with your husband?

Do you work?

I hope you kept your job.
If you are financially independent my advice would be...

..... telling your husband you want a divorce.

Tell him that you have had enough of his ugly family and their bullying.

Tell him you will NEVER go on holiday again if it doesn't suit you.

Make sure your childs passport is at your parents house.

Your husband is a bully and so are his parents.

Well done for finally waking up to this.

If you don't want to YOU never have to see them again.

Block his parents number.

Tell your family and friends the truth and get their support.

Can you go and stay with your family for a while so the reality sets in for your waster husband?

Keep posting.

Thank you for your responses. I want to go back to work as ds will start nursery full time soon. My dm has said the same thing that I must return to work even if I'm financially comfortable being a sahm. Also, I forgot to add my mil has always worked and I'm starting to see it clearly as day that she resents me for it as she couldn't spend that time with DH. My DH has never forced me to work in fact he said he would provide me everything.

When dc starts nursery and then onto school, it will make it even more difficult for him to spend that many days with the in laws in hotels. It really frustrates me that I really wanted a second child and now I'm getting cold feet about it. In less than a years time hopefully with dc settled in school and me being back to work would mean DH can get off my back about this. I just feel really sad how people think that they have the right to meddle and try to take control making me make decisions such as not having a second child so I don't have to live through this again.

Dc has been bf till now and is terribly attached to me that's why I've never let him go on his own. Next year when dc is 4, I can perhaps allow DH to take him for short breaks to see the in laws which would also mean I can get a break.

Tell DH you're staying home next time.

@billy1966 I'm not thinking of divorcing DH at the moment but I'm preparing for the worse. I have dc's passport, I'm always saving. I'm lucky I have a supportive family and I own my own home. My parents have repeatedly have said they are more than happy to provide childcare if I ever decide to divorce. But I am happy to shake the tree and make sure it's known that they have to back off even if it leads to a divorce...

It sounds as though your husband doesn't like to say no to his parents, and they do sound awful.
Their other dils / siblings are perhaps better at establishing boundaries, which you have to start to do yourself as your dh clearly won't. If you stand up for yourself you will generally be respected for it. Practice saying no!

I'd focus on what's best for your son. Going in a family friendly holiday to a resort with a kids pool, kids club, nice safe beach, buffet restaurant full of kids food, separate room for a child? You would be happy to go along. City breaks, hotels, restaurants , anything that's boring for kids then no. And now your child is old enough to tell everyone when they are bored, it's different to when they were a portable baby. You could invite them over so you dont need to travel. You could tell them if they want to see your child as much as your parents then they could move to the uk. Ultimately it will be a lot easier if you can get your husband on side

Frankly I wouldn't let him take the children on his own either as what if he doesn't bring them back.

I would say that your are not doing it next year as it is too.much and you will review itnthe following year. He can't physically force you and them on to a plane.

It may cause arguments but you have to stand your ground.

My DH is a hardworking decent man this is why I don't want to cut the strings so easily but he feels guilty and feels he owes them and this is why he can't say no. We both know we are perfect for each other and it would be horrible for dc to grow up with divorced parents. But his parents drive me up the wall with their expectations. They think just because DH provides and I'm a sahm parent that they can pull all the strings and manipulate. I've known DH for 7 years but his known his parents all his life so he has trouble accepting this and acknowledging the fact that their behaviour is pushing us for a divorce.

He said he is planning to bring his parents here where they can live half the year and I told him they can move next door if they like but me and dc has a life and it would be his responsibility to entertain them not mine and Just like how I entertain my family and he doesn't! So I've made this known.

Also the other DIL's we have a great relationship and we are good friends but I guess they might have had issues in the past, maybe they shook the tree and the in laws backed off or maybe their in laws respected their boundaries from the start as they come from a wealthy affluent families and it was harder for them to pull the strings!

Also with this recent holiday planning and me saying no, I have informed my parents and they said they are more than happy to intervene with his parents to tell them to back off that their behaviour is leading us to separate and will let everyone know that they were the ones to cause this. Just to let you this is culturally acceptable in my home country for parents to intervene if they feel that their daughter is being bullied and mistreated. Also divorcing is seen as a huge failure and the family would lose respect from relatives and friends so my parents are happy to play that card to corner them. I've told them that I can deal with them for now and if it gets out of control, I will ask for support.

I would in no way shape or form tolerate that. It sounds completely shit. I would absolutely divorce over this. And btw, divorce isn't remotely shit for kids. (Well, it doesn't have to be I should say).

I can't say I'd be keen on them living next door either. Sounds like that'd cause a whole other set of problems!

Your family sound truly wonderful and that is a great positive.

Well done for making plans to go it alone.
This preparation is empowering.

Sadly your husband's abandonment of you has caused this situation.

I think your husband needs to hear you speak clearly and honestly.

He needs to hear that you are thinking that separation will be the best in the long run.

He has put his family loyalties ahead of his wife and has utterly failed you in the process.

You need to tell him that you will be returning to work full time, without discussion as that will be best for you as a single parent.

He needs to hear that there will be no second child due to him and his family's awful behaviour.

You think he is a good man, but I don't think so.

He doesn't bother with your family, yet he has allowed his family to dominate and spoil your babys childhood with their demands.

Not the actions of a good man.
The actions of a very selfish man, doing what is best for HIM.

He needs to know that you can and will move to your parents, that you have their 100% support, and that your parents will be very very public in blaming HIS parents for the divorce.

Your husband and his family have been running rings around you for years.

You need to tell your husband and his family a few home truths.

You will not be bullied or dominated by either of them going forward.

You need to be honest with yourself that a man who puts what is best for him ahead of his wife who is a new mother and his child is NOT a good man.

He may be a nice man, but he is NOT a good one.

A good man has his wife's back.

Keep posting.

Thank you so much for all your responses and it has truly been eye opening. I appreciate all your inputs. I still have loads of pieces left to put together. Just right now thinking, I've made loads of sacrifices over the years and it was my sacrifices and guidance that has led DH to be a successful company director. I am also part of the company however don't work full time. I am more like a advisor, put my input when I need to. I look after dc and with the sacrifices I made over the years, asking for a tiny wedding which isn't normal for our culture, living in a one bed rodent infested flat for 3 years because it was adjacent to the first business we set up by me and dh using our savings and wedding money gifts. It all started off from there and my in laws have had no input whatsoever apart from going on holidays paid by DH as a excuse to see dc!

I am aware of DH being selfish. I am aware if he doesn't adjust and manage his parents' expectations, me and dc will go. But I don't want to leave all these sacrifices for them to enjoy or some other woman to come later on to enjoy it. This is why I'm waiting right now, saving and making sure I know legally enough when the time comes, I will strike and take what's mine securing my dc's future.

Great update.

You sound like such a clever young woman.

Absolutely get yourself organised.

Have a file that you keep at your parents house with all financials to do with the company and your bank accounts.

Lodge money, cash in your mothers account so it is beyond reach.

Start looking for a good rottweiler of a solicitor that is recommended to you.

Putting yourself in the strongest position possible.

Have you access to the companies bank accounts?

If you do, don't hesitate to clear out half if you do leave, you can always pay back some of it, but put yourself in a position of strength.

Also, update your CV to include all that you do now and start the search for a job that suits you.

Keep your plans to yourself for as long as necessary, keeping the "divorce" word quiet, but at the same time taking no shit from him or his parents.

To ANY requests.

"That doesn't work for me"

"That won't be happening"

"Nope"

I also would not allow your husband to take the baby to his home country, and I certainly would not allow a house nearby to be purchased.

People like your in laws will not give a damn about your boundaries if they live nearby.

You do not want these people forcing their way into your house every day, so back pedal on that!!

Keep posting

A big wow to having such amazing parents! No wonder you won't stand for your IL nonsense. Definitely make plans to secure your future if your dh doesn't step up and treat you with respect.

Thank you so much everyone. I will look into all the questions you have asked and will start taking notes to prepare myself to be in the best position that benefits and secures dc's future when the it comes to it.

I've had a lengthy chat with my dad over the phone just right now asking if there's been further harassment about their holiday and I updated him saying no updates and no harassment so far. My answer was simply no, it doesn't suit me and left it like that with DH. My dad said he was on standby and he will visit DH in his office to remind him that he will take me and dc home if he continues to allow his parents to step all over me and if he doesn't step up like he is supposed to to protect me as his wife and the next time they will have this conversation is when he will come with a removals van to collect mine and dc's belongings if he doesn't protect my boundaries. Dh is also scared of my dad and hugely respects my dad and finds him intimidating as well.

Also, there is no way they can ever move here anyway UK immigration is working for my benefit literally with their rules and procedures :) I've just said that to tell him that it's his monkeys and circus in a nicer way if they ever do move here which is when pigs have wings.

The first boundary to put in place is, as billy1996 says to just say 'no'. PILs an have whatever expectations they want. doesn't mean you have to follow their wishes. Just stop travelling so much (or at all), stop going to visit.

And if you find it difficult to be blunt, try saying that you feel it's important to get the DCs into a routine and all this flying around is preventing that, so you're not going to be doing it any more.

Remember, no one can force you to make a journey you don't wish to make.

@thing47 after our long summer holiday, they wanted me to join another holiday and I said no and sent DH. Now they want to meet up again so soon and have a holiday I've said no again. I've told DH that he can go and visit his parents 10 times and I will go once and if that suits dc but not the other way around from now on! So let's see how this pans out when they start talking again to buy flights and book hotels and if the harassment starts, then I'll make a quick call to my dad to make that visit. If it's ok, I would like to continue updating on how things progress because all of you have given me great advice and I really appreciate your input especially with all your supportive comments 🙏

I love your parents!

Your dad sounds so great.

I think during this time you need to focus and practice not giving a shit about your in laws and communicating that unequivocally to your husband.

Keep saying a firm NO and don't get into it.

No happening, on a loop.

They have bled you dry over the past couple of years and your selfish husband allowed it to happen.

Shame on him.

Focus on yourself and getting organised.

If your marriage fails it will be on your husband's head and that of his family.

They are making the choices here that could cost them you.

You owe them NOTHING.

Definitely keep posting.

Thank you everyone for your kind comments and I appreciate my family more since experiencing all of this and I realise how lucky I am. Please don't get me wrong as there are extremely strong people out there fighting even worse things in life all on their own or people who feel helpless so this is not to gloat but it helps to know I have my own support system there for me and dc if things fall apart.

We had no family growing up as they lived in my home country. It was just my parents and my siblings and we have always had each others back. Life is hard as it is, I had a terrible pregnancy (HG) and luckily it didn't turn into pnd after birth. I've struggled a lot trying to discover my new role as a mother as it was all alien to me. Dh has supported me a lot during this time and has been a good father but it's not good enough as my needs and wants were neglected to suit his shitty clueless parents who live a such a out of touch life. A lot of women from my home country live through so much abuse at the hands of their in laws and husbands that they would feel I'm making a mockery out of this to be complaining over such a non issue. But this isn't about a non issue. I feel trapped , controlled and consumed by them and I just resent them so much.

Life is hard for most people as it is and to feel degraded this way by my in laws who live a happy comfortable life abroad with nothing to worry about apart from planning their next holiday to show off to people using me and dc for their own pleasure, annoys the hell out of me. The hardships we faced and continue to face each day and my in laws on the other hand who have nothing to worry about and are comfortable spending DH's money for pleasure just does my head in as it's my dc's future as well that they are spending. I have kept quiet about this but now it's starting to sting. At first I kept quiet because it was as long as it didn't involve me especially when I was pregnant as I didn't go then but now since having dc, I've been a subject to their extremely controlling behaviour which has caused unnecessary arguments in my marriage damaging my relationship and forcing me to resent my DH.

Thank you all so much, I'll keep you posted with the latest updates as the situation will unfold in the next few weeks.

You sound as if the scales have truly fallen from your eyes.

You are also paying for these holidays?

You need to get organised and tell your husband that every penny he gifts his parents for holidays is to be matched by a payment to your childs bank account in YOUR name.

This can be a future opportunities fund for your son and will make your husband more aware of how much he is giving away.

Putting distance between your in laws is in your best interests.

Your husband has not behaved well and it is very healthy that you realise this.

Give him the chance to redeem himself and if he chooses badly again, all bets are off.

Keep posting.

@billy1966 yes they have indeed. I feel like the beast inside of me has finally woken up and ready to strike to protect my kingdom. And yes these unnecessary holidays were all paid by my DH so technically mine and ds's money as well. Dh has never been financially abusive as he has always generously provided and this is one of the main reasons I am able to save and put aside but I do this secretly because I don't trust this marriage. Because he hasn't been financially abusive towards me, I have never questioned it or felt the need to be honest as I kept thinking it's a treat for his parents. But now the fog has lifted, I just feel why the hell is DH spending thousands a year on two middle aged people to have holidays and this includes our expenses as well for tagging along for what? To spend one week in a hotel somewhere when we can use this money for dc's future and save up for him.

When I question this, he says since having dc he works a whole lot harder to secure dc's future but I see these holidays as wasteful and they all add up in the end which they are wasted for a weeks experience they will never get back apart from showing off. When they start planning for this holiday, I will openly say it to their faces during FaceTime that the money dh spends on this holiday, I want the same amount transferred to my account for dc's future.