To think there’s zero chance of me having a relationship now?

[tothinkthishaspassedmeby]

I’m 30, came out as gay (lesbian) when I was 27ish . I was brought up religious and told I wouldn’t be welcome at home if I was gay, so I had to wait until a couple of relatives had passed away, and still haven’t told my dad .

I was sexually assaulted a few years back, and sexually abused in childhood as well which adds a bit of complex mess as the thought of being intimate with anyone terrifies me - I don’t even like cuddles that much unless I really trust the other person .

I’ve never been in a relationship - not even a jokey one at school. I’ve never had sex or a kiss . I’ve been on one terrible date via tinder a few years ago . I have a tinder profile, tried POF but never really spoken to anyone on either .

I’m not overly attractive, I’m overweight, and I’m scared that probably puts people off . Confidence in myself is very low .

I’ve had counselling on and off for years and having a bit just now (ACT), they suggested I’d find life easier with a partner for companionship and ‘fun’ but I don’t know how to . Don’t know where to go . I don’t know how to tell if someone’s interested in me, how to tell if I’m attracted to them . Does that make sense at all? I’m beginning to think it’s just something that will never happen for me and that I’m meant to be alone for whatever reason, but I’d love to be a mum one day and I’m acutely aware that I’m 30 now … surely once you hit 30 and still a virgin most people will run in the opposite direction once they realise, because there must be something wrong with me to cause that?

Countless overweight people enjoy successful relationships - but perhaps you are rather deliberately not taking an active role in losing weight? You may already realise this.

Briefly, your thread title is … nonsensical - but you must know this, too. You’re putting up a lot of barriers that prevent your even considering entering any sort of relationship. No one here is going to say “Yes, you’re right, at 30 it’s too late for you to ever have a relationship.” But only you can enable relationships to develop.

You’re 30, not 130. And when it comes to same sex relationships, plenty of women only discover or admit their sexuality later in life and so are essentially “virgins” in that sense. To the right woman, it won’t matter at all. And guess what? You also don’t owe anybody your life story or a raid through your background; you don’t actually have to tell anybody right off that you’ve never had a relationship with anybody at all before.

Do you live in a large city where there might be LGB groups and activities going on? Meet-up can be a great place to start, if you think you’re somebody who prefers to get to know people as friends before thinking about it becoming more - and also just to get yourself socialising with likeminded people and boost your self esteem a bit.

Thank you … I am in a big city yes, stupidly I’ve always been a bit too scared to go out and join in but that makes a lot of sense that that would be the best place to start . Will have a google this afternoon and see what’s on/available . Thanks . I know it’s nonsensical, it’s just I find myself panicking sometimes that I’ve ‘fallen too far behind’ as silly as that sounds .

Please don't think that you've fallen behind, or life has passed you by. It's a well known fact that for gay people, all your experiences happen later (no teenage/early 20's love for us!) Also, 30 is still very young - you have a whole, joyous life in front of you.

Have you thought about looking into ace or asexual relationships? There’s a big community, might suit you better at the moment

@tothinkthishaspassedmeby

Thank you … I am in a big city yes, stupidly I’ve always been a bit too scared to go out and join in but that makes a lot of sense that that would be the best place to start . Will have a google this afternoon and see what’s on/available . Thanks . I know it’s nonsensical, it’s just I find myself panicking sometimes that I’ve ‘fallen too far behind’ as silly as that sounds .

I understand why you feel like that, but there's no timetable for 'starting to have relationships', especially when you essentially were forced by your religious, conservative family to put your life as a gay woman on hold until some relatives died! (Outrageous!)

Don't panic about being left behind. There's a whole world out there for you to start exploring, as slowly as you need to at first. Be kind to yourself while you're doing it, though.

I'm in exactly the same situation minus the being gay. I feel the same. No advice. Just wanted you to know you aren't alone.

Do you actually want a relationship or do you just want a child?

Can I just say that I met my (very) obese partner when he was 40 - no real sexual experience and he is the sexiest man in the world to me. You need to stop this negative self-talk, which is no doubt a product of your upbringing and experience (so I am not criticising it). You have one life. I am so sorry that you have experienced the things that you have - I also have. At some point, the therapy will kick in, or more importantly you will realise your own worth and the things that happened will not have the same control over you.

I heartily recommend reading this:

www.amazon.co.uk/Body-Keeps-Score-Transformation-Trauma/dp/B07XYFYJDM/ref=sr_1_1?keywords=The+Body+Keeps+the+Score%3A+Mind%2C+Brain+and+Body+in+the+Transformation+of+Trauma&tag=mumsnetforu03-21&qid=1637938311&sr=8-1

Be an active participant in your recovery. You will find love. You will start to love yourself. And in doing so then you will meet someone who is worthy of you.

@WonderfulYou

Do you actually want a relationship or do you just want a child?

Wtf?

@tothinkthishaspassedmeby

Thank you … I am in a big city yes, stupidly I’ve always been a bit too scared to go out and join in but that makes a lot of sense that that would be the best place to start . Will have a google this afternoon and see what’s on/available . Thanks . I know it’s nonsensical, it’s just I find myself panicking sometimes that I’ve ‘fallen too far behind’ as silly as that sounds .

Giggle is a women only (not only) dating app.

Best of luck, OP. 👍

joinagiggle.com/

Definitely look out for lgb groups but also women's or feminist groups too.

There might be some LGB friendly walking group near you. I think just make some more friends first. Then they will know people who you will meet. Just be with people.

One day it will pop into your head that you like someone and then you can figure out what to do then.

Or you could see if there are any cafes or bars near you that are LGB friendly and get a friend to go with you. But the aim is to make more friends. So someone that is willing to do that with you.

Good luck. You can do this.

I think you have a lot of issues that you need to work through but of course you could have a relationship one day

I don't think being an overweight lesbian will mean you can't find somebody. There are plenty of pretty big butch women in lesbian relationships from what I can see.