Is this strange or am I paranoid?

[FlowerFinchy]

School mum has DD at same school but different class to my DS. We used to do play dates but due to personal stuff I only begrudgingly agreed and tried to get her to chill out as she’d never take no for an answer (would keep pestering by messages/in person) then COVID hit and not a problem.

Once back in school she’d wait behind a tall wall for us to walk by and then pester for play dates etc even asking my DS directly - it was really strange as my DS class was let out 10 minutes after hers so she would have to wait around. This would happen at least once or twice a week, it could’ve been more but my husband would sometimes drive to pick up so wouldn’t see her.

One day I tried waiting an extra 5 minutes pretending to fix my DS bag straps and shoes and she was still there.

Finally I made a pa comment saying what are the odds we would meet her everyday on the walk home no matter what time we left the school and she just laughed and said ‘oh yes, we’re stalking you’. From then on we took a longer route home in a different direction and never saw her/heard from her. I felt bad but really relieved.

Recently I get message about play date and I say no. This morning she drops her DD (I see this as I’m queuing to get into car park) near the entrance and then I park up the other side by exit waiting. She drives around and parks up behind me - I avoid eye contact as unloading kids (saw her in rear view) and drop off kids. I come back with my youngest and as putting DD in the car she drives off. So she’d parked behind us, waiting 5 minutes for me to walk over/drop kids, and when I came back she drove off. It really creeped me out, does anyone else have an opinion on this? Was it strange?

Its entirely possible she just took a phone call or something so had to stop behind me (even if loads of spaces elsewhere) but, and I know this sounds batshit, I think she was watching my routine so she could start pestering me again.

Regardless if I’m nuts or she is - how do I nip this in the bud once and for all? I’ve considered changing schools 😉 but I’m hoping there’s another way

YABU: she just happens to be there as you drop/collect at same school ignore
YANBU: she is crossing boundaries and you need to say something

“how do I nip this in the bud once and for all?”

Say no. And keep saying no. Not no, not today. Not no, perhaps another time. Just no.

Yeah this is definitely strange, I don't think you're being paranoid. Keep saying no and stand your ground.

Defo more background needed though - does she not have many friends? Is she a single mum? Does she have mental health problems? Even so, her behaviour is unacceptable and YANBU.

What kind of playdates. Like she wants childcare or does she just come and want your company as well?

It is weird. I'd keep saying no.

What would happen if you said yes to a play date?

She is BU for pestering but YABU for this comment

"We used to do play dates but due to personal stuff I only begrudgingly agreed and tried to get her to chill out as she’d never take no for an answer"
Without explaining further- as this sounds like really it's nothing to do with her and its just your issue around play dates in general.

Does your dd want to have play dates with her ds - are they actually friends? How old are they?

You don't sound particularly nice. Just keep doing as you are and she'll see sense.

Thank you for your thoughts and comments. It’s really helpful to hear how you each see it and I realise I’m not saying no clearly enough. I say no sorry we have x this week maybe another time. I hoped being brushed off for long enough would make it magically go away.

I don’t know her that well so not sure how many friends she has but she was really mean to another mum I was very close to which is when I decided I needed to stop pandering to what she wanted and say no as it didn’t suit me. It didn’t suit as I was in and out of hospital and my other DS was going through ASD diagnosis so I was physically and emotionally a wreck. I don’t think that registered on her radar though as she was fully aware and is a healthcare professional and never cared when I explained how much pressure we were under and play dates weren’t a priority. There are so many other instances where she stopped me at school and told my son it was okay to play with her daughter for a while when I was desperate to get home. I would say no then there would be tears and rows with my son, this happened regularly…

The play dates were definitely about making her DD happy, she is a great Mum and clearly loves her daughter and is very nice to my son but she’s manipulative and forceful to get what she wants.

My DS likes her DS but wouldn’t ask for a play date, they are both 7 years old.

Thanks again, this has been going on for a couple of years now and I would welcome any advice how I can be clearer. I really struggle to react in the middle, I’m either too much trying to please people or too blunt and I’m definitely not handling this right.

I think you need to know why she's like this to stop it effectively. If she's lonely then that requires a different approach than if she's convinced you're her BFF... and whatever you do, don't move schools.
How about saying, not texting, something like: '" I noticed you were parked up behind us the other day and wondered if you were hoping to re-instate play dates between DS and my DD? The thing is, I really don't want to do those anymore, sorry. DS has moved on and you know how it is - you really can't force them into friendships."

The way you described the situation at first made this woman look odd and stalkerish. Your update gives a clearer picture.

I don't think it's fair to depict this woman as strange or unhinged. She is simply someone who likes to have more social contact, and for her children to as well. From what you have said you have some issues at the moment which means you (totally understandably) want a bit more privacy.

If this woman has a fault, it's that she's not picking up on your reluctance. You are going to have to just firmly, politely and persistently say you are busy until she gets it (and she will eventually). It's annoying, but I don't think you should present this woman as odd just because you are annoyed at the situation. Both of you have contributed to the situation by being socially incompatible.

Thank you Wilko and Common. Yes I will speak to her and say we won't be doing play dates from now on as I don't want to go back to stressing at every school drop or trying to hide-I'm much too old for this.

I think that's why I wanted to ask Common, I don't have much headspace for others so I'm very unsure whether I'm misreading situations so you've made me feel better. I wish I could just happily do what she wants at all times but she wants an, by my standards, intense weekly meet-up and that's just not going to work for my family and I've contributed to this by not being clear. As she's bolshy she probably needs to be told in very clear terms so that's what I'll do - wish me luck.

Thank you all

Does your DP/DH come and collect DS and does he look like this?

I think I’d wait until she actually asks for another play date though … otherwise you will look a bit bonkers. Even tho I think your instincts are correct. I’m sure it won’t take long. Be blunt to the point of rudeness I think.

@lockdownalli 🤣 yup, drip feed but my husbands a drop dead gorgeous model

@CommonRoom
You are going to have to just firmly, politely and persistently say you are busy until she gets it (and she will eventually)

I completely disagree with this - it’s partly why the OP is in the scenario that she’s in and why the other parent keeps coming back, because she thinks next time will be a non-busy time. It’s actually rather cruel to her (the other parent) almost like stringing her along with false hope, because the OP doesn’t have any interest in pursuing a friendship with her, yet saying “busy now” or “I’ve got X plans today” puts in her mind that tomorrow might bring a different answer. I stand by my advice. “No”. Nothing else, just “no”. If she pushes for a reason I would say what @Wilkolampshade said and say “I really don't want to do those anymore, sorry. DS has moved on and you know how it is - you really can't force them into friendships.”