Wwyd? Can’t block the post?

[Blaaaaaaaaah]

So for background my mother is a sociopath. She has a long history of screwing people over, usually for money but often just because she disagrees with things.
About 3mths ago (after the last straw) we decided to not have anything to do with her. I blocked her on my phone after a few abusive messages (none of which I replied to).
Anyway, now she’s started sending things for the children through the post. There’s no note or letter but I know the handwriting. It caught me by surprise the first time and I gave it to the one that received something (which obviously caused some confusion with the others.)
Every time it dregs it all back up, and I’d only just started to feel settled.
So, how do I get the random post to stop?
I just want her out of our lives, the kids can choose once they’re adults if they want to get back in touch.

Could you get one of those post catcher bags for your letterbox (or a mailbox that you attach to your front wall) and then ask your partner to go through the post each night and bin anything from her?

Return to sender every time

I had a family member that started doing this when we were NC. I just ignored them and put the stuff in the bin. After about the 5th package with no response from us I think she realised she wasn't going to get the response she was poking for and backed off and stopped it. Hopefully that'll happen for you too.

Unfortunately it’s just me here so even if I bin everything I still see it. And that has the same affect as not even opening it. It’s like she still has some weird hold over me, just as I was feeling free.

@Theunamedcat Would that not be giving a reaction?
@TotallySuper I just can’t work out which is likely to make it stop sooner, no response or returning everything?

I would bin rather than make contact by returning the items.

Urgh how unsettling for you. I don't think you should send them back. If her return address isn't on them, then she'll know you have worked out it's her and I'd guess that will give her a sense of power and control. I think bin.

She won't know if you have them, if you've moved, if someone else is intercepting them. She just won't know.

That’s tough on you.
The only other thing i can think is a cease and desist letter from solicitors. Would it help to put a time limit on it- ie you will chuck or return everything until end of Feb or when you’ve received x number of letters from her and then if she hasn’t run out of steam you’ll go to the solicitor?

Returning things becomes a game. If you get fed up of returning things, she thinks she's won.
If you ignore from the start, she has no idea what you do with the stuff, if you sell it/give it to the kids/bin it straight away. If you change your mind what to do with stuff, she won't know.
Ignore

@Somebodylikeyew Oh I like that idea like then I can put a deadline on it as currently I just feel like the control is going to be endless

My advice would be to send her a text/email stating that the letters are unwanted, that she should cease sending them and that any further letters received would be harassment which you will report to the police.

Sorry you are going through this, OP. We had similar.

We did the cage on the letterbox thing to catch letters and intercept them before the kids got them, that solved that one problem.

The parcels were different again. They were always sent signed for and we had a run of them that were signed for by neighbours who then dropped them round to us, which with hindsight probably drove my mother mad. I did not respond to these just charity shopped the contents.

I think on one occasion I was out when a parcel arrived and there was a summons from the post office to collect it within a particular timeframe, which I ignored.

After three years of this, plus emails, letters, emails from email addresses they had created as they realised I had blocked them we sent a cease and desist letter stating that we considered their actions to be harassment.

They responded with not one, but two solicitor's letters.

I reported them to the police for harassment. They were given a warning and that finally stopped it.

I'd also just like to say that you will probably get some well-meaning replies on this thread about how you should "just" do this or that. Those posts might be well meaning but they have no understanding of just how traumatic it is to finally lay down a boundary and then be stalked in your own home - and someone toxic who you have finally had the strength to cut out getting stuff into your own home is extremely traumatic.

I had a shit therapist at the time, btw, who just used to suggest I "return to sender" and also said that I "failed" to collect the parcel from the post office. I didn't "fail" to do anything, I just lived my life, I don't dance to the command of my toxic mother.

You could unblock her, send a message saying she needs to stop sending your children stuff through the post before you need to get the police involved for harassment, then block her again. I sent a similar message to my mother and did it at 3am so she definitely wouldn't see it and reply straight away.

I'm sorry you're in this situation, and hope she backs off soon

@twopennerth
This is what I’m expecting, my mother is not the type to stop, ever.

Just put it all in the bin.

[quote Blaaaaaaaaah]@Somebodylikeyew Oh I like that idea like then I can put a deadline on it as currently I just feel like the control is going to be endless[/quote]
Yes i can totally see that.

If you do do this, maybe keep a log of what is received and when- you could set up another email address, take a quick snap on your phone of the envelope (you don’t have to open it) and email it to this other account before deleting the photo from your phone and chucking the post- that would then give you an easily dated and evidenced log for the future, which might also help you feel more in control?

[quote Blaaaaaaaaah]@twopennerth
This is what I’m expecting, my mother is not the type to stop, ever.[/quote]
I'm sorry. I can only say that I felt the same way. My parents are very rich and were threatening to take us to family court for access to our children, I was terrified.

Police involvement DID stop it.

I assume because somebody who wasn't me said no. Because who the fuck am I to say no?

I'm sorry you are going through this and I get it.

@Somebodylikeyew

That’s tough on you. The only other thing i can think is a cease and desist letter from solicitors. Would it help to put a time limit on it- ie you will chuck or return everything until end of Feb or when you’ve received x number of letters from her and then if she hasn’t run out of steam you’ll go to the solicitor?

Nice idea @Somebodylikeyew, but I'm not sure it's possible to legally prevent someone from posting items to you, simply on the grounds you wish to be NC. (No matter how understandable the need to be - & I do understand the distress OP).

I suspect it would be a long drawn out process, & OP;s mum would have to have right of reply etc, & would just feckin' LOVE the drama.

NC is best conducted with a blanket No Response policy.
There is power in silence, & a refusal to engage.

"Nice idea @Somebodylikeyew, but I'm not sure it's possible to legally prevent someone from posting items to you, simply on the grounds you wish to be NC."

You might not be able to 'prevent' it but they can be criminally culpable for taking this course of action under harassment laws.

To clarify for you somebodylikeyew we gave my family a final chance with a cease and desist letter, which they ignored. Then we involved the police.

In UK law involves harassment is a behaviour which causes distress or alarm. Victims must have experienced at least two incidents by the same person or group of people for it to be harassment. Examples of harassment include: unwanted phone calls, letters, emails or visits.

I don't think anyone can PREVENT a crime from being committed but they certainly have recourse to the law once it has been committed.

A cease and desist letter is a warning before taking criminal action.

@Blaaaaaaaaah What do you mean by "gave it to the one that received something" sorry but that bit has totally lost me

That's brilliant @twopennerth, thanks for the update.

This will sound over dramatic, but I moved house as I started to receive cards like this for DD (who was 6!!!) From my mother, the thing is I knew she was unstable, I didn't quite appreciate how much until these cards started to arrive every couple of weeks.

I never replied, I read the first few then after that they'd go straight into the bin.

It is unnerving, it does leave you feeling a bit like someone's invaded your privacy, it's horrible. Truly horrible.

Please brace yourself, because when that doesn't work there's every risk of her turning up at your house, stalking via the Internet etc. Just be aware that it may happen with people who are losing the power they once felt was all theirs.

One other thing that's helped me is getting a ring doorbell, it makes me more certain she hasn't been poking her nose around where I live. My mum has form for that kind of stuff

I don’t think you meant to clarify that for me @twopennerth as i suggested it in the first place (unless I’ve misunderstood your point!) but you beat me to it with the harassment angle. I’m really glad you did; this is absolutely harassment if it persists and should be stopped :)

@Somebodylikeyew

I don’t think you meant to clarify that for me *@twopennerth* as i suggested it in the first place (unless I’ve misunderstood your point!) but you beat me to it with the harassment angle. I’m really glad you did; this is absolutely harassment if it persists and should be stopped :)

100% apologies somebodylikeyew I tagged you in error. Completely agree with your post.