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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu for asking that DD is treated equally?

26 replies

Nogoodstorystartedwithsalad · 25/11/2021 21:35

Before lockdown me DP and our DD had a great relationship with FIL he was a regular visitor and always on he phone to check on DD etc.When lockdown was announced he moved in with Bil and his family. Everything was great we facetimed and called regularly him regularly but when restrictions where eased and BIL went back to work contact between us and FIL rapidly dwindled. He was always to busy helping BIL's wife with things and busy with their kids anytime we called or invited him anywhere.

DD hasn't seen him for anymore than 10 mins at a time in over 2 months since he moved to a town 20 mins away with BIL when him and his wife split up. He turned up unannounced last night sat for 5 minutes and said he had to go he needed to pick up a Chinese for the ex wife and kids.

DD was distraught as she didn't want him to leave so I calmly explained to her that he lived further away so couldn't visit as much or for as long. She hit back with well how come he takes BIL's kids to school everyday and picks them up aswell. Then their at BIL's with him all weekend yet can only manage to spend a few minutes with me.

I queried that with DP when he got in thinking DD was probably exaggerating a bit but he confirmed that it is the case. That FIL is there everyday to help out. DD has come home today again quite worked up about it. She even asked if she's done something wrong and thats why he doesn't want to spend time her.

Would it be unreasonable for me to text him explain the situation and say that until he can treat his grandchildren equally he shouldn't bother visiting in future? As DP seems to think we should just forget about it and she'll get over it?

OP posts:
flimflammingo · 25/11/2021 21:38

Wouldn't it be better to tell him how much your DD is missing her beloved grandad, and ask when he will be free to spend some quality time with her?

Catflapkitkat · 25/11/2021 21:45

I agree with the above poster asking someone to explain themselves instantly puts them on a defensive footing. You would be better off saying something like - we know SIL needs some help at the moment but DD misses you and perhaps we can go out to/come round to dinner or do an activity and spend some quality time together.

xxxGirlCrushxxx · 25/11/2021 21:52

how old is she?

PlanDeRaccordement · 25/11/2021 21:56

Honestly, I think he is spending more time with DDs cousins because their mum and dad have just split up. So he rightly thinks they need a bit more support. You need to tell your DD that fair doesn’t always keen equal. That more need means more times but more time doesn’t mean more love or caring.

CaffeineAndCrochet · 25/11/2021 21:58

Why would you immediately go to telling him 'not to bother' visiting. A message explaining that DD misses him and was upset the other night is far more likely to get a positive result.

vastgrandupgrade · 25/11/2021 22:01

Yes, build bridges, don’t burn them!

Kite22 · 25/11/2021 22:04

Would it be unreasonable for me to text him explain the situation and say that until he can treat his grandchildren equally he shouldn't bother visiting in future?

YWBVVVVVVVU to do that.
Talk about lacking any adulting skills.

His son and wife have just split up. He is doing what he can to support his son and his Grandchildren through that. Hmm

Even if there were some reason to want to discuss with him something that upset you, then speak to him - either in person or on the phone. Texting about something that has upset you is not going to end well.

But what a dramatic and ridiculous over reaction.
What @flimflammingo said would be a more adult way to go.

BurntO · 25/11/2021 22:05

Do you need help with pick ups? How is is DD? How would she have even formed that opinion?

YANBU for wanting you child to have some quality time with their grandparent but you can’t always make everything equal

Ubiquery · 25/11/2021 22:16

Why on earth would you address the situation in that way??

Hunderland · 25/11/2021 22:20

Yes op, do take the nuclear option. And do let us know how that works for you. Hmm

Sam020 · 25/11/2021 22:21

@flimflammingo

Wouldn't it be better to tell him how much your DD is missing her beloved grandad, and ask when he will be free to spend some quality time with her?
Yes. This. Also, Fil sounds lovely and it's lovely that dd is so attached to him. Please don't spoil their relationship by going on the offensive.

Just let fil know that dd is missing him.

I would also explain to DD that bil's family need a bit of support now and fil is trying to help them out.

LethargicActress · 25/11/2021 22:26

Just to clarify, did your fil split with his wife and then move in with his son because he needed support?

LittleBrenda · 25/11/2021 22:26

Yes, definitely you should. Maybe get a pitchfork to shake at him.

The bastard. Helping out with his own grandchildren whose parents have got divorced. Getting them a Chinese.

MrsPleasant · 25/11/2021 22:31

Your DD appears to know an awful lot of information about the childcare arrangements of another family. I assumed she was 3 from your description of 'distraught' but the fact she can share inside info suggests she is quite dramatic older. I really can't imagine she wants to know what she has "done wrong" unless you are labouring the sadness that grandad never bothers with her. I don't think the man is doing anything wrong but if anyone needed to have a chat it should be DP, although he doesn't appear to see an issue either.

MrsSkylerWhiite · 25/11/2021 22:31

I can't imagine why he prefers to spend time elsewhere.

MissLucyEyelesbarrow · 25/11/2021 22:37

Your plan is a great one, if you want to sever the link between your DD and her GF permanently. That’ll teach the bastard for helping out his son at a time of crisis.

MindyStClaire · 25/11/2021 22:38

@PlanDeRaccordement

Honestly, I think he is spending more time with DDs cousins because their mum and dad have just split up. So he rightly thinks they need a bit more support. You need to tell your DD that fair doesn’t always keen equal. That more need means more times but more time doesn’t mean more love or caring.
Absolutely this. The other kids have had their world turned upside down and their parents are probably just doing their best to keep it together. It's lovely of your FIL to help them. Explain this to your DD in an age appropriate way.
arethereanyleftatall · 25/11/2021 22:39

I'm not sure if you realise it op, but your op comes across dreadfully. Your bil and sil have just split up, his father is helping them, which is lovely, and all you and your dd can think about is me, me, me. You haven't said how old your dd is, but what she said is really odd for a child to come out with. Unless words were put in her mouth of course.

Clymene · 25/11/2021 22:48

Why would you tell him not to bother coming over when your daughter has said she misses him?

Arrange for him to come and visit surely? Why are you trying to start a family feud? Confused

BlueTouchPaper · 25/11/2021 23:03

She hit back with well how come he takes BIL's kids to school everyday and picks them up aswell. Then their at BIL's with him all weekend yet can only manage to spend a few minutes with me

Where did she get all this info from? Her cousins? Or an adult. How old is she?

Kanaloa · 25/11/2021 23:05

Well he isn’t treating him equally but it’s BIL who’s supporting him by letting him live with him.

Perhaps you could make the effort by saying ‘we’ll bring dd round for a visit one day you’re free’ and go round to visit him.

LuaDipa · 26/11/2021 09:05

@flimflammingo

Wouldn't it be better to tell him how much your DD is missing her beloved grandad, and ask when he will be free to spend some quality time with her?
If you say anything please only say this.

Your fil is trying to support his other dgc when they are going through a difficult period. He seems really lovely. Have you explained to your dd what is actually going on and why he is spending so much time with them?

NoSquirrels · 26/11/2021 09:08

How old is your DD? How come she knows about what he does for everyone else if you didn’t a d he’s not been round in months?

JimCarreysMask · 26/11/2021 18:58

Sounds like it’s due to changes in circumstances and not that he cares any less. If he lives with them it is the case that he spends more time with them. Can you visit him? It sounds like before he did all the visiting? Invite him or something. He’s probably knackered too. I do feel for your daughter but not to the point you should be severing ties Confused

Constellationstation · 26/11/2021 19:20

Would it be unreasonable for me to text him … and say that until he can treat his grandchildren equally he shouldn't bother visiting in future?

Well that escalated quickly 😳