To think if your toddler is sick you change your plans?

[NeedingAGoodNap]

Dd (15 months) has been very unwell over the last few days. She came home sick after daycare on Monday afternoon and has been unwell, grumpy, and quite difficult since. I’ve mostly looked after her by myself as I work part time and Tuesday and Wednesdays are my non working days. My partner could have worked from home those days to help out a little but chose not to.

Last night was a tough night and I was up to 3am with DD. I took carers leave today as I was meant to be at work but someone needed to take care of DD. I’m exhausted from the lack of sleep and not feeling well myself. My partner had work drinks tonight, nothing formal just drinks starting early afternoon at the pub.

AIBU to think he should have changed his plans due to a sick child at home? He could have even just stayed for one drink and came back to help rather then making me do three days of care by myself?

Yes he should have. I hope your little one feels better soon and that you get a good rest.

Not at all unreasonable. It sounds like he thinks childcare and looking after your sick daughter is your responsibility. I'm guessing this is typical behaviour and he wasn't one for night feeds or pulling his weight before now either?

What did he say when you asked why drinks were more important than caring for his child?

All the best op, and in this situation family should come first,

Very uncaring and selfish

If she's still poorly tomorrow you really need to make sure he takes a day off work. Yanbu he definitely could have helped a bit instead of drinking.

Yes he should’ve have. You need to say something or you’ll be doing this for a long time to come.

Did you discuss it with him? I wouldn’t expect to work from home to help out with a poorly toddler on my partner’s non working days to be honest. But I would expect a conversation about who was taking time off and what the plan was on a day we were both working. Whether I’d expect him to cancel drinks/would expect to cancel them myself would depend on the situation really. My two year old is always ill with something or another, it wouldn’t be that realistic to cancel all commitments every time.

Don't ask for help then men won't help

@MiddleParking

Did you discuss it with him? I wouldn’t expect to work from home to help out with a poorly toddler on my partner’s non working days to be honest. But I would expect a conversation about who was taking time off and what the plan was on a day we were both working. Whether I’d expect him to cancel drinks/would expect to cancel them myself would depend on the situation really. My two year old is always ill with something or another, it wouldn’t be that realistic to cancel all commitments every time.

Same for me

@Cheekytea

Don't ask for help then men won't help

Not all men, just the incompetent ones. I've never had to ask DH to help out because he understands that childcare is a joint responsibility. Also he isn't doing it to help me out he's doing it to look after his child because that's what parents do.

I'd be really upset if DH did this without us agreeing it first. If I were feeling rubbish too he would stay at home rather than go to a social event and take over with DD so I could have a break. I'm a SAHM if that makes any difference (it shouldn't).

@Cheekytea

Don't ask for help then men won't help

This isn't true with every father.

Some like my DP don't need to be told to look after their own child.

Others have to be told initially to look after their child when first sick then automatically default to doing it.

The third group have to be told every single bloody time.

So you were supposed to be working this afternoon and he was at the pub while you cared for DD?

I would be utterly furious.

Did he just assume you would stay home? I assume there was no conversation about it?

I don’t know whether it would occur to my husband to cancel in these circumstances. If I’d been obviously struggling for a few days, I think he would ask me if he should cancel but I can’t guarantee it. If I directly asked he’d certainly come home though. Did you ask?

We did discuss it beforehand but apparently he just had to go and “wouldn’t be gone long, back just after DD bedtime”. Well it’s now 9pm here and still not back.

Original agreement was he would look after her tomorrow but this morning was making the case that she will be well enough for daycare tomorrow. She is still sick but he is so selfish lately he would totally try to send her in.

I’m so angry. I don’t know why he is being like this.

I agree with you but we'd have had a conversation about it. I feel bad today because my DH has bailed out of work dinner and drinks tonight because I'm ill and he doesn't think it's fair to leave me to deal with a hyper toddler on my own when I'm unwell. Parenting is a team game and your DP should be supporting you.

She is still sick but he is so selfish lately he would totally try to send her in.

I’m so angry. I don’t know why he is being like this.

Well you've literally just said yourself he's selfish enough to send a sick child to school rather than look after her, so not sure why your surprised he's at the pub.

I wouldn't expect him to wfh if you're off work to care for one child but I would phone nursery early, tell them she's still too ill to come in, and go to work.

Personally, I wouldn't expect him to skip the pub to look after a sick child if I was already at home looking after the sick child. HOWEVER, I wouldd expect him to cancel the pub or cut it short if I was on my knees after three days of looking after a sick child/being up all night etc so that I could get some rest. And I absolutely would expect him to be ready and raring to go to take on all childcare related activities overnight tonight and, of course, tomorrow.

If he sends DD to daycare and she's still unwell, they will send her home. It needs to be 100% clear to him that in that case, HE will be the one leaving work to collect her etc.

At the moment she has been unwell on your two non working days, I wouldn't expect DH to work from home because DS was ill if I was off work, you've taken Wednesday off so it's his turn today. If the work drinks thing wasn't a weekly occurrence I wouldn't expect to cancel plans for a toddler with a cold if the other parent is at home and not also unwell themselves, if DH said to me I couldn't go to pre arranged social plans because DS was poorly I wouldn't be very happy about it. I'm pretty sure DS has had some kind of cold/virus etc for almost a year at this point so neither of us would've been able to do anything!

I wouldn't expect him to wfh to help out when you are off work already.

However, I do think given he knows you are struggling on lack of sleep and are not feeling great yourself, he should have forfeited his drinks and come home asap to take over.

The key point is that you've been doing it for days, you don't feel well and you need a rest.

Yes I absolutely would not expect my dh to go out in these circumstances.

My experience is to make your unhappiness with the situation clear now, don't let the resentment grow and don't establish the precedent that your career and your needs are secondary if you are expecting equal parenting. Kids do get sick all the time...