Felt dead inside when me and my partner had sex

[Deadinside1234]

Me and my partner used to have a very active sex life (every day) but recently it’s been once a week or so. Which is still healthy, but it feels like I have to do it because I was in a previous sexless relationship and I don’t want to resort back to that (in that situation, he was cheating on me, and would lie and say he didn’t have a sex drive).

My partner and I had sex last night and I felt nothing. Completely dead inside. It was quick and he finished and that was that, but it made me feel miserable.

Afterwards I had this urge to seek out old ‘things’ I had with other people previous to our relationship. I didn’t, obviously; but this urge was there.

I’m not sure what’s going on and it’s not a one-off, either.

We have been together for three years and have a DS.

I just don’t feel sexually interested in him at the moment (or for quite some time if I’m honest).

Other than this we get on great and he is lovely and supportive and a lovely dad.

But I don’t know if I can get past this feeling or whether I should just ride it out and hope for the best.

I couldn’t even ‘get wet’ because it was so rushed and it hurt when we had sex. It’s not something I told him about so nothing on him there. But a healthy sex life is something I’m really conscious about and I don’t want to feel dead inside forever... any advice?

Talk to him, reconnect with him emotionally, parenthood can rob you of time and inclination to feel so focussed are you running a house, your lives.

I couldn’t even ‘get wet’ because it was so rushed and it hurt when we had sex

I mean you've described one of your problems right there. The sex was crap and hurt. Obviously you aren't going to be feeling happy about that.

I wouldn't worry about your feelings after what seems to be one bad experience and it sounds like you have a good relationship.

Talk to your DH. What are some things you might like to do in your sex life that you aren't currently? I'm not talking anything extreme. But stuff that makes it more enjoyable for you. My DH was one to get stuck in to things straight away and I explained to him once that for me, the build up to sex is kind of more important than the sex itself so makes it better - don't just go grabbing and prodding away when I'm not even remotely warmed up. Now he takes his time and it's great.

Do you have much time together without DS? This is really important, to connect as a couple, not just as parents.

Did he even notice you weren't ready?

Sorry just re read that you said it isn't a one off. Still speak to him. For all he knows, he is doing everything right and thinks you're loving it (especially if you orgasmed which for men seems to be the sign of a job well done).

A bit more foreplay maybe ?plus some ky .do you remember in Mrs doubtfire .poor Winston (Mrs d "husbands " idea of foreplay was "effie brace yourself!".sometimes sex can seem to be rushed especially if small dc in the house. Talk to him gently and explain how you feel.he will hopefully take on board what you say

What kind of contraception do you use? The mini pill can kill labido dead

He didn’t seem bothered that I wasn’t ready. I said oral would help he said no because I hadn’t shaved - which I guess is fair enough! And no I’m not on any contraception.

No because you hadn’t shaved is NOT ‘fair enough.’ That’s how women are naturally!!! If you choose to shave then fine, but to deny you pleasurable things (so sex is enjoyable) until you shave to suit him is not great

He’s tried it a few times when I’ve been ‘stubbly’ and said it was horrible so I’m not surprised he said no last night, and of course anyone is entitled to say no to something they don’t want to do. But I just felt nothing emotionally.

Does he have to shave to get a BJ?

There are a variety of shops who sell lovely lubes (and more)
Make date night a thing. Start the wooing before the bedroom.

@Deadinside1234

He didn’t seem bothered that I wasn’t ready. I said oral would help he said no because I hadn’t shaved - which I guess is fair enough! And no I’m not on any contraception.

He’s a selfish prick.

He knew you weren’t ready and didn’t care. He doesn’t have to do things he doesn’t want to, but there are plenty of options for foreplay.

No wonder you don’t want to have sex with him.

He's not as great as you make out OP..he sounds pretty selfish. My DH would like more than I do but when we do do it, he makes damn sure I'm okay with it, I enjoy it and it doesn't hurt. That's basic minimum standard stuff IMO. I think you need to have a serious think (read through similar threads on here) and have a serious chat with him. It's a two way process.

And it's not okay for you to have a bit of hair down there but it's okay for him not to bother checking if you're comfortable? That's called being a selfish prick.

He didn’t seem bothered that I wasn’t ready. I said oral would help he said no because I hadn’t shaved

If he didn't want to give you oral, that's okay. What is NOT okay, is that he was fully aware you were not physically ready to have sex, but he shoved his dick in you anyway.

Selfish prick.

No wonder you felt horrible. He basically treated you as a hole to dispose of his cum.

The lack of respect towards you, whilst in a vulnerable, intimate moment is astounding.

Was he this bad at sex when you were doing it every day??

How little touching was going on for him not to realise you weren't wet?! He sounds like a complete selfish pig.

Oh OP this isn't right. Yes, men and women can have preferences for oral sex, whether they are shaved/waxed or not, but the important thing is they are on the same page.

My DH loves me unshaved. He doesn't even like me to 'tidy up the edges'! And you know what? That's fine by me too - no grooming time lost for me.

But that's the point - I knew he liked that before we got married, and he knew I like that before we got married (ok, you don't have to commmit to getting married, but it needs to be ok if you're both committing to a sexual relationship too).

I was with a guy who hated the idea of going down on me at all. He didn't mind me doing it to him (yeah, right!) but found oral sex on me 'disgusting'. That relationship didn't last long...