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Life as a carer - I want my own life now
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Rosepetals34 · 24/11/2021 19:12

I’m 27 and single. My mum is in her 50s and got pregnant with my brother 8 years ago. Sadly, his father passed away when he was only a couple of weeks old, leaving just the 3 of us.
My mums health got progressively worse and she doesn’t have much mobility. I am her full time carer but not just for her, my brother too, since birth and we have a very close bond, I don’t work, I don’t have a relationship (I tried once but it failed) and quite honestly it’s getting too much. I love her and want to be there for her but I’m starting to resent it too. I’ve missed out on my 20s. I dropped out of uni after she got pregnant.
My brother has no one, no grandparents, and no one to provide for him beside me and my mum. I feel I owe it to him to be there for him. However, it’s a lifelong responsibility that I didn’t ask for but I love him dearly and wouldn’t change the fact he’s here.
He is now 8, if I stay around until he’s of potentially leaving age (say 18) I’ll be pushing 40! That scares me. I don’t know how I can have my life and also be there for him. It doesn’t seem possible but am I unreasonable for feeling what is now quite a lot of resentment?

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Am I being unreasonable?

AIBU

You have one vote. All votes are anonymous.

Rosepetals34 · 25/11/2021 19:44

@2020isnotbehaving

It’s perfectly normal feel nervous about taking first steps especially when you don’t yet have a plan. It would be easier if you had a partner and planned get married or have baby and move in together that more of a “good move”. Your mum would be hard pressed to say no you can’t do any of that. It’s harder to “just” want move out have own space and life but not in any way less important.

You do need contact your SW or SS they need to know things will be changing and get the ball rolling their end. Although I guess you need a job for while first to save up to be able move out. Do you have any idea what sort job you like do or would you like go Uni next year instead?

Well that’s the thing. I had plans for my own life like anyone would when they would start uni. I was doing technical theatre but it was a combination of my mum getting pregnant and her partners sudden decline in health that made me not be able to deal with the course. My life has been on hold ever since. I’m a different age now, i don’t even have any work experience whatsoever or know what I want at all. If I get any spare time at all and/or feel like it, I knit, paint or play video games. I would just like a partner of my own and to actually move on with life because I see other people my age that have families, houses, jobs and I don’t have any of those things. I became content living like this and it’s nice to give back, but im not happy but I told myself that maybe it is my “job” to do this and that my time would come later but I don’t see how it will just come out of the blue if nothing changes?
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Ameanstreakamilewide · 26/11/2021 22:37

@ToughTittyWhompus

As a mother, I’d rather have carers than restrict my child’s life like this Sad

The selfishness of people never fucking fails to surprise me.

Amen to that.
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upthekyber · 26/11/2021 23:20

This struck a cord with me I was 27 when I became a carer and I am 53 now.
I have worked though out sometimes part time and just finished my degree.. go me.. but you have to have to have a corner for you, that is yours. Remember women up and down the country work with Children and you can contact social services and get carers in, you need to live your life. Start small. My friend is doing an ou course and managed to get a job at home, it's only a few hours but she is doing it.

You have only done what people do when things go wrong which is react to the situation the next stage is to be proactive and this can seem very difficult at the start.

Top tip every time someone suggests something if your first reason is my mum, won't, doesn't, will not then disregard this reason because you are entitled to a life too.
My moment of regaining a life was suddenly saying Dad you don't get the veto on my life, you either let the carer come in at lunch time or you go without a meal and care until I get home. He refused a few times but when he realised I meant it he stopped, and we could work together for what worked for us both.

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Phillipa34 · 26/11/2021 23:27

This is YOUR life!
As noble as it is, caring for a family member, it can be an endless spiralling vacuum.
You need balance!
If your mum is entitled to outside care, that’s where I would put my energy (if I was in this situation). There are some wonderful Carers in this world, who get paid solely to do the jobs you have and will be doing.
Get some quality Carers, then start taking steps into exploring what you would like for you.
Detach where you can, it’s healthy

You have done a great job so far. Now time for self - if not now when?!

Best wishes

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