PORN

[Suburbandreams]

Hi all,

This thread has been partially inspired by another thread about kicking a partner out over liking bikini pics.

I have an issue with my partner watching Porn. I’ve always had it, always made it known. I suspect it partially stems from my childhood but that’s a side bar and I have my reasons for not liking it.

My DP and I have even under a lot of stress recently and intimacy has been off the cards for a while. I’ve tried everything to communicate with him but have also tried to be understanding. We have been together 10+ years.

After a small disagreement we had moved past, DP asked me to help him with something on his phone. He had downloaded google chrome and it was open on a well known porn site. I guess curiosity got the better of me and I discovered he had been searching for a very particular appearance of woman- think hair colour and you’d catch my drift. I do not look anything like what he was searching for.

I feel devastated for multiple reasons. That he’s wanting something that I’m not, that he is directing his intimacy online, that he knew my views and how big of an issue it is for me. I feel like this is something that could end the relationship as I cannot move past it. I’d love to, I would love to not have an issue. But I feel like our relationship has been a fraud.

He’s always told me that he’s a strange bloke in that he’s not interested in other women. I’ve never caught him having a cheeky look or anything, but worse still he’s made it very clear to me that being faithful includes not watching porn or wanting someone else. I feel like I’m rambling but essentially I feel like he’s implemented rules in our relationship and has been breaking them.

I’m considering ending our relationship but want to know if IABU and letting things ruin my relationship unnecessarily.

Thank you

I think it can feel very hurtful and disturbing when partners watch porn (if you’re against it). Porn isn’t a deal breaker for me, but I don’t like it.

However, I think as women it can be hard to understand that men watch porn and can still love and desire us. It’s more of a stress release for a lot of men. Curiosity too. In my opinion it doesn’t mean he wants someone else instead of you, and it’s probably not worth ending a relationship over. But that’s just my opinion and obviously I know hardly anything about what your relationship is like in other areas.

want to know if IABU and letting things ruin my relationship unnecessarily

No one can answer that, if you feel like it's the end then that's fine, you can end a relationship for any reason. What someone else would feel comfortable and ok with is totally irrelevant.

I agree with stealingbeauty. Other than written erotica, I don't like porn either, but I don't think it's reasonable to insist that my partner abides by my preferences.

he’s made it very clear to me that being faithful includes not watching porn or wanting someone else

I think this is the issue. None of the porn stuff actually matters apart from the fact he's told you watching porn is being unfaithful and has then watched it. By his own reckoning, he's been unfaithful.

If he can't stick to his own boundaries I couldn't trust him, regardless of my own.

It's down to you, isn't it? If you can live with him searching for and looking at other women, then you stay. If not, you leave. What other people think about it doesn't really matter.

I think I'd be uncomfortable with it.

If that's how you feel, that's how you feel. You can't carry on in a relationship you don't want to be in just because some strangers on the internet tell you that it's unreasonable not to!

(Why all the weird capitalisation of Porn, errr PORN?)

Nobody can stop their partner from being attracted to others.

I lost a lot of respect for my dh when I realised he had been looking at porn. It's also a really crap guide to sexual behaviour and made my normally fab in bed husband pretty rubbish and left me feeling like a block of meat.

Erotic fiction is one thing but gaping assholes and women being generally degraded - sorry, but in my opinion you are a pretty sad fuck if that's what gets you off.

Also, the women in those videos are in the most part vulnerable and often being exploited. It's a pretty vile industry.

I have pre teen sons and I am totally hand wringing at the thought of them being exposed to this stuff and them thinking that is normal sexual behaviour. It totally shouldn't be.

There's honestly no right or wrong answer here. Porn isn't a dealbreaker in my household. We both occasionally watch it separately, I couldn't tell you how often on his side (though we both WFH so not very often I assume). Probably about eight/ten times a year from me. It's no reflection of how much I love my partner, I just view masturbation as an important and enjoyable aspect of my relationship with myself.

I'm pretty sure that everyone has fantasies about people who aren't their partner sometimes - even if it's just in their head. That's not bad or wrong. It's human.

Thanks all for responses so far.

Apologies for the capitalisation and the pretty crap thread title!

I guess it’s the hypocrisy and for the PP who mentioned sticking to his own boundaries, you summed up a big part of the issue. He knew my feelings about porn from the outset and agreed with me, however now it’s okay?

It’s also not about stopping anyone from being attracted to anyone else- but don’t make it this big thing about yourself if it’s complete codswallop. Unprovoked he filled my head with lots of lies and now tries to diminish it with “everyone does it”.

I even tried to put my own views to one side to understand the enjoyment. Is it a fantasy, is it a release etc and he said he doesn’t even pleasure himself, just watches it like it’s tv. Went into detail about liking a particular video which, to spare the gory details, was a zoomed in version of a woman pleasuring herself. I couldn’t understand which part he enjoyed- he said he wasn’t liking the woman but rather what she was doing????

It is a stumbling block to me. I guess I hoped I could rationalise it but it’s monopolising my thoughts.

YABVU. I’m the porn watcher in our relationship. Some of the men (and all of the women 😅) don’t look anything like my DH.

That doesn’t mean I don’t find him attractive or love him any less It’a like sometimes you’re in the mood for chocolate ice cream, others strawberry.

He’s going to find other people attractive, and that’s okay.

@colourfulpuddles have you ever told your partner that watching porn means they're being unfaithful though?