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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

This doesn't sit right.

16 replies

Cacee3029 · 24/11/2021 16:20

There's a woman who lives near me let's call her Emma! Emma is a single mum to three kids, I know Emma and her youngest has sen. I wouldn't consider her a friend but more of a passing hello and quick chat. I can sympathise with her situation though. I have been a single mum for a few years and I also have two with sen.

Anyway, Emma hasn't got any family around and has recently taken on a new job in September/October time so she's had a while to sort this out. But she has no suitable childcare in place. She is constantly bugging people including myself to pick her youngest up (6). I assume she lets her middle child, older primary age one walk home alone and let her self in - only year 4 but years 4-6 can walk home alone if permission given. Constantly asking myself and others for childcare both morning and afternoon.

I totally get how how hard it is but it's not sitting right with me badgering people to take care of her kid. The kid is very demanding too.

She has asked me before. I have had to say no due to work and other commitments on the days she's asked. Plus I don't want to start something I can't stop. Ds is autistic and routine is important to him, I don't think he would appreciate it. Plus the said boys has been very nasty to Dd lately (calling her fat amongst other things). So I don't want my two getting upset by having him around after school.

She said she works until 6 but only wants people to look after him until 4.45 as her 11 year old gets off the school bus at that time and can pick him up and take him home. Aibu to think an 11 year old (year 7) shouldn't be responsible for her two younger siblings?! I would understand more if she was maybe 14-15. I'm not even sure where the middle one is during this time. I assume walking home and fending for herself for an hour until her 11 year old gets home.

Aibu to think she should sort some childcare instead? The school runs a successful breakfast and after school club. There's also plenty of childminders around, many that school drop off and pick ups!

I'm all for helping people out every now and again but this is every single day she's asking me (direct message) or putting a plea on fb.

I know she's been asking other people too as it seems every day a different parent is picking the boy up. I do feel sorry for him. He doesn't seem to know who's picking him up each day!

I totally get how hard it is to get the balance right with work and kids. I can totally sympathise. I have a Dp and it's hard enough to find childcare but honestly it's really unsettling her kids being home alone and just asking anyone and everyone to pick her kid up!

I'll probably be told I'm being unreasonable. There's nothing wrong with other parents helping out with childcare but this is a long term thing. She's relying on others too much and needs to sort it out.

OP posts:
PipeOfPringles · 24/11/2021 16:27

Didn't you know op, some people are special and don't have to pay for childcare?

Seriously, if she has a regular schedule she needs to pay for after school club etc just like everyone else. Keep saying no.

Ionlydomassiveones · 24/11/2021 16:36

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

DeepaBeesKit · 24/11/2021 16:41

Unfortunately while it's difficult it doesnt make her any less of a CF.

Cacee3029 · 24/11/2021 16:44

@Ionlydomassiveones

You are completely right. She sounds desperate but those children are vulnerable as a result. Not sure of the solution - report to the school? But well done on keeping your boundaries and not facilitating her neglectful parenting.
As far as I'm aware her children are already considered vulnerable. She's very open on her social media and she had SS on her back for a while.
OP posts:
magicstars · 24/11/2021 16:48

Definitely make the school aware. None of it sounds particularly great for the kids. School may be able to offer a reduced rate of money Is the issue (which I suspect it's what's preventing her from arranging childcare).

Ionlydomassiveones · 24/11/2021 16:51

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

FestiveMayo · 24/11/2021 16:53

I imagine the school have to know who the child is going home with everyday? So are probably already aware there isn't really a fixed person. But yes no harm in telling the school so you know they know.

MushMonster · 24/11/2021 17:00

She needs to get the two younger ones in the after school club. At least she is earning a lot, child tax credits should cover for almost 100% of it, at least for the younger one.
The year 4 walking home, I would have not let mine walk home on her own, but it depends on how responsible they are at that age, it varies a lot. I would prefer for them not to arrive to an empty house, I think it is a bit too early for that at this age.

FestiveMayo · 24/11/2021 17:08

Could you try responding to her and tell her that you can't help but the school might have space in after school club?

Cacee3029 · 24/11/2021 17:10

@MushMonster

She needs to get the two younger ones in the after school club. At least she is earning a lot, child tax credits should cover for almost 100% of it, at least for the younger one. The year 4 walking home, I would have not let mine walk home on her own, but it depends on how responsible they are at that age, it varies a lot. I would prefer for them not to arrive to an empty house, I think it is a bit too early for that at this age.
I do agree. I have one in year 6. Most of his class walk home alone but as Ds has sen he does not. But walking home to parents at home is entirely different to walking home to an empty house. I'm only assuming the year 4 child is home alone as she only wants childcare for the younger one and have seen the year 4 child walking home alone a lot - she only lives down the road! Very strange.

She's been known to leave her kids alone. J bumped into her once out for a walk to the village shop and she was with older one! She admitted the younger 2 were home alone as didn't want to come. I feel like she puts a lot of responsibility on the 2 older even though they are pretty young themselves 😢

OP posts:
Longdistance · 24/11/2021 17:18

A straight out ‘it doesn’t work for you’ should do. I had a mum asking around for breakfast drop off. I said no as we don’t pass her house and I have to get to work myself. I did say ‘I hope you find a solution soon?’

Nearlytheretrees · 24/11/2021 17:30

I would keep saying no and speak to school safeguarding just so they are aware

WorkBitch · 24/11/2021 17:39

I will say it’s often hard to get childcare for an sen child dependent on their needs. We’ve struggled. The only local after school club isn’t suitable for our dc.

Of course not saying for a second that you should do it.

I’m just very aware that we’d be completely screwed without family help.

NameChangeinHaste · 24/11/2021 17:44

Speak to the Designated Safeguarding Lead at school. Though they may already be aware.
This is a safeguarding issue, though I do really feel for her. She’s probably on minimum wage, or not much more, and from that has to cover childcare.
She had my sympathy, but children must be kept safe.

StaplesCorner · 24/11/2021 17:45

Some schools will prioritise places for children with additional needs in these circumstances. I am surprised the school hasn't already complained about other people picking the boy up all the time?

DysmalRadius · 24/11/2021 17:46

I agree that the school is your first port of call to express your concerns - they may not realise how ad hoc her arrangements are and they will be able to offer appropriate support.

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