To like parenting but only in small doses

[saddosauraus]

Various bouts of illness has meant my DD has been off school a lot this term.

Am I U for hating being with her 24/7? I love her a great deal and there's a lot about her that I like too but the incessant demands, her self centred ness (entirely appropriate- she's 4), the drudge of it. I can't relax, I'm never alone. I feel depressed after days of it, I feel like a bad parent. I start to get anxious about her and me. I actually need a few days of not being with her to get over being with her.

I don't think she knows I feel like this although I'm open about needing breaks for exercise/ alone time

DH isn't much use - he tries but she prefers me and this is exacerbated when she's ill.

Feeling low and useless at parenting today.

YANBU. It's tough. At that stage, I always felt that I was more cut out to be a grandparent.

You are not alone on this. It's a real tough time for parents right now. I had Ds off for a whole week before half term. It wasn't covid but some other virus, then the actual half term. Jeez, I was done. I find weekends are hard enough sometimes. My kids are very full on and literally don't leave me alone, don't even get evenings alone as they take ages to fall
Asleep. Your feelings are very valid and reasonable. Parenting is hard. You are not useless! 💕

@UtterlyUnimaginativeUsername I actually don't even want to be a grandparent. I can't imagine what I was thinking when I was desperate to be a parent (except of course I didn't know what it would be like).

I really enjoy some bits, I like other bits. I hate lots of it.

It's knocked my confidence a lot

It's really hard. It's not really natural (in my view) to have that much one on one with a four year old - normally by that stage they're naturally curious and exploring the world, spending some time with other people, playing with other children. When circumstances forbid this, it's intense.

You say DH isn't much use - why is this? Can he try harder? Does DD prefer you because she's not used to spending time with him? If they did something together regularly that you had no involvement in it would give you a proper break.

You are absolutely NBU!. I keep saying it takes a village to raise a child thats why i always am flabbergasted when mums dont want 50/50 custody😁.

You've been a parent of a young child through an incredibly difficult time. Yes, young children are boring, selfish and annoying. You are completely normal for feeling this.

If it's any consolation, parenting gets a lot easier in terms of time from here. I don't have to interact with my 7 yo for hours on end anymore.

This is entirely normal and the main reason I go to work. I think 3-4 hours per day is the ideal for me. Don’t beat yourself up for finding it hard - it is hard

YANBU and why I went back to work. Sickness is different obvs and it's bloody hard work. When dts were that age and always sick at the same time I was so stressed out at being touched all day. I think it should be spoken about more and not some kind of taboo.

It gets so much easier when they're a bit older!

I feel like this, we've had bouts of covid, uni visits etc. Then this week I had Saturday all for me, I booked a London museum, I was going to enjoy a long coffee and people watch. Nope, youngest now has covid so won't be doing her plans and I need to be home to look after her. I am desperately needing some time out from them and can't see it happening for a while yet

@femfemlicious

You are absolutely NBU!. I keep saying it takes a village to raise a child thats why i always am flabbergasted when mums dont want 50/50 custody😁.

Omg yes! I’m a lone parent and my kids are with me 24/7 other than when they are school, they don’t see their father at all and he has no involvement, I dream of having to 50:50 I can’t understand why so many mums are against it, I would love it, thought it was just me!!

YANBU and sounds like your DH doesn't have this guilt!

I'm glad it's not just me. I'm hating it right now. I have a two year old, one in primary and a puppy, plus a FT job I don't really like anymore due to the other stuff going on in my life, so don't have the energy to keep my career going. I'm miserable.

Are you an introvert at heart OP? I am and need a lot of time to think and be alone and never seem to get it. I wish I was one of those jolly mums you see who seems to thrive on parenting.

YANBU, children are bloody hard work. I am TTC myself currently but know I will feel similar to you during the younger years, especially as nowadays the expectation seems to be that children never have to just do their own thing/play together instead of having constant involvement from a parent with everything. With my SCs, even the homework their school sends home is often a project that needs to involve a parent.

I feel like I'd have been a much better parent in the 80s/90s where children were expected to fall in a bit more with their parents rather than ruling the roost as much as they seem to now.

@TurnUpTurnip 50/50 is my dream. It would be lovely for someone else to have ie their father to have custody of my children for half the time and i can be totally unworried about how their coping and not having to feel grateful for someone "helping" me. I can just relax in bed and get up when i want...i can be how i was before kids for a bit...sigh. do you remember lazing around in bed on the weekends.... then getting up at 12pm and making something nice to eat or popping out for brunch in a relaxed manner....sigh

YANBU, 2yr old threatening to drop naps over here 😭 it’s demanding, constant attention required. Permanently tired over here. Tbh I often feel like I’m just not cut out for this, I’m definitely an introvert and need a hell of a lot of time to myself which I’m not going to get.

Everyone needs a break, it does get easier, humans are designed to be in a pack where mothers would get lots of help from extended family, so it's tough that we mostly do it alone.

In lockdown I used to scroll a lot of pinterest/blogs etc and find a whole heap of easy things to do with DD, so I'd have something up my sleeve for when I wanted to scream. Like toilet roll butterflies, sticker books, treasure hunt in garden with egg shapes cut from cardboard etc. If you can get them into the flow of an activity, they might just get into it enough that you get a break.

It's not easy though, I have 2.5yo and 5yo and if I don't keep them entertained enough they start fighting and then we all get cross!

@femfemlicious

You are absolutely NBU!. I keep saying it takes a village to raise a child thats why i always am flabbergasted when mums dont want 50/50 custody😁.

😂😂🤣

YANBU. I am solo parent to twin girls (nearly 4) and, 15 hours of preschool aside during term time, they are with me 24/7.
I get 3 flipping hours totally to myself a week (split their sessions so they are not always together).
Disney Dad appears every 4 weeks for a couple of hours and no family anywhere near.
With sickness bugs, coughs and colds, they have been off preschool WAY too much.
Some days, I feel at breaking point, as I have chronic health conditions, but I still need to be there for their incessant demands (they are very strong willed and very full on!).
I love them to pieces, but a little piece of my soul dies every time I see a fucking Paw Patrol toy!
I need a break, but won't be getting one in the foreseeable future!

I’m with you OP. I love going to work just because that’s when I’m not with children. I actually don’t even enjoy my job.

My entry into the shite parent awards is that my highlights of the past few years have been times when I’ve been ill enough to take to my bed, sleep and watch box sets on my iPad for a few days at a time. Felt like shit (in terms of being ill and as a parent for feeling like this) but it was actual bliss.

Love DS but I’m an introvert and need alone time to recharge. Parenting through the first lockdown with no respite or childcare was so traumatising that it totally changed my mind on having more DC.

@PleasantBirthday

It's really hard. It's not really natural (in my view) to have that much one on one with a four year old - normally by that stage they're naturally curious and exploring the world, spending some time with other people, playing with other children. When circumstances forbid this, it's intense.

Yes, like monkeys. I was watching a documentary about the role of play in development, and there were all these happy little animals and kids mucking around with the parents doing their own thing in the vague vicinity.

Obviously I get WHY we don't just sit on our thumbs and make sure the little darlings don't die, but it most definitely not natural.

Thank you everyone. It makes me feel so much better to hear this. I am an introvert, and the constant chatter and climbing on me sends me into despair.

The pp who asked about DH, he does try and does stuff with her but he's not so good at attuning to her and so can be too bouncy when she wants quiet and vice versa. Fundamentally she knows which parent will meet her needs best and emphatically that is me.

I do work 4 days a week and I love my job and that's part of the angst. Looking after her all the time means that I can't do my job really and that's the thing I like and enjoy

@esloquehay I take my hat off to you. Solo parenting twins must mean you're in line for some sort of award.

Op it sounds like DH needs to step up more. Is he unable to read other people? Is he unable to tell when you need space or are up for fun? Can he read social situations at work? If so he can learn to read his daughter.

If she's home all week, make a point of taking half a day out on a day he's at home.
When he comes in from work, go for a long loo break with a locked door.
And bring in an expectation that if she's off from school ill that it isn't all you having time off