Help with mum's mental health

[videobaby123]

Posting this for traffic as I posted elsewhere but only received one response.

Hi, I could really do with some help/advice in regards to my mum and her mental health.

Growing up my mum and I always had a rocky relationship as I always felt she didn't care about me or would treat me unfairly. I recently had counselling about my relationship with my mum and this helped massively. I decided to stop trying to have conversations with her about the past as she'd never see my point of view or just gaslight me.

Some years ago she was diagnosed with BPD, Depression, Anxiety and PTSD. She also takes medication for this. I've recently had a baby and have a relationship with her simply so she can have a relationship with my DD. Otherwise I'd probably be NC for my own sanity.

My issue is, I find my mum to be SUCH an attention seeker. She often plays the victim and just loads of other things that comes with BPD (which I've gathered through research as she refuses to talk about how this affects her personally.) I just don't know what to do. I really struggle to be around her especially outside. She'll talk really loudly to get people's attention or dance and act silly for DD who'll be sitting nicely in her pram.
Now some may say there's nothing wrong with those examples but I just can't put it into words how often she does these things and how cringe it makes me. I really have second hand embarrassment from these things.

I feel so bad as it's a mental thing but I feel like my mum does certain things on purpose just because she can blame it on her diagnosis. She often goes around saying 'you know I'm crazy I can't help it' and so on. DP and I are having a few issues recently so my mum's been trying to step up and help with DD more but I'm getting to the point where I rather struggle instead of having her help. I also come from a culture where you can't just sit down with your mum and have a conversation about these things as you're the child and she's the parent so you should just know your place and not say anything.

I don't even know what I'm asking here but I guess I just needed to vent and ask if anyone has any advice with how to deal with this and not make it about myself?
I also hate how selfish I sound but I'm really struggling with this

Op I'm on the the boat. I'm just bathing dc so I will respond properly soon

Oh my god I'm not on a boat (typo)

My mother has severe mental health issues. She shit stirs then sits back and its entertainment for her

Attention seeking behaviours are constant. My father now hates me. My siblings never contact me. She did the damage criticising and mocking me for years.

I don't know what to say. I'm nc at the moment which is very bad I know.

@Crumblinginside it's a horrible situation to be in isn't it🤦‍♀️ that's so unfortunate that you have strained relationships with the rest of your family too, really sorry to hear that.
I honestly think it's in my best interest to go NC with my mum too

Another hopeful bump?😂

As you know and are experiencing a situation like this can cause contact stress and anxiety for you and it's unlikely your mother will change. Could you work on reducing your contact maybe substantially rather than going no contact if you think no contact will separate you from rest of your family.

But also, and it's a hard question, do you want your dad to have a relationship with her which could end up with her having the same anxiety and stress as you do now,?

DD not dad

There isn’t any medication for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder), so essentially it is going untreated in your mum. See if you can get her some Dialectic Behavioural Therapy (DBT) as that will help her better understand social interactions and how to do healthy personal relationships.

@saoirse31 yeah I do think going low contact is better than no contact at all. My mum is totally unbearable now. We had a massive argument and I just have no energy left for her.
You raise a good point but for some reason I don't see her treating my DD the same way. She doesn't treat my younger sister the same way for whatever reason so I doubt she'd cause any issues for my DD. However that is definitely something to keep in mind.
Thank you

@PlanDeRaccordement I think she's on the list for some sort of therapy but it's really hard to talk about it with her. It's as if she refuses to acknowledge how BPD affects her interactions with people. It's really hard

I hope she is on list for DBT. It should help. Part of BPD includes the person’s perceptions being completely off so they are reacting and behaving in a way they think is appropriate to what they have perceived. Often something minor will appear like a major emotional insult/blow.

It’s not really a refusal to acknowledge so much as a blind spot. They can’t understand how they’ve taken something the wrong way or even how they have acted can be interpreted so differently from what they intended. DBT is supposed to help them work around this blind spot by teaching social skills and interpersonal effectiveness...as in communication and boundaries, and how to appropriate ask for what you need. And so on.

@PlanDeRaccordement

so they are reacting and behaving in a way they think is appropriate to what they have perceived. Often something minor will appear like a major emotional insult/blow.

This is exactly the case with my mum. The thing is I'll get calls from her friends and my aunties telling me I'm disrespectful and extremely rude. Even though I can say something in passing that isn't rude at all, she'll complain to people who automatically take her side. I feel as if people forget she has BPD as she seems 'normal.'

It’s not really a refusal to acknowledge so much as a blind spot.

That's interesting to know. It sounds as if the therapy is quite helpful. Do you mind if I ask how you know so much about BPD? I've struggled to find someone who's actually knowledgeable on the topic. I didn't even know it existed before my mum was diagnosed with it (sounds really bad I know!)

I was misdiagnosed with BPD when younger so went through group DBT with people who have BPD. It was a very interesting and eye opening experience. So I have sympathy for both those fighting with BPD and their loved ones also living with the trauma it can cause.

I was several years later properly diagnosed with schizophrenia.

Yes. That is exactly what happens. If you only hear the BPD sufferers side of the story, it all seems perfectly logical and that they are being reasonable and justified in their reaction. That’s because their perception of the situation is way off what a normal person observing or in that situation sees.

So the disconnect isn’t between what they think has happened and their reaction. The disconnect is between what happened how a normal person would see it versus how they see it because their perception is just distorted, strange and extreme due to the disorder at times.

It’s awful for the sufferers because even when they know this about themselves, they end up in a loop of questioning their reality. Was a “strange look” on someone’s face actually a strange look? Or just their mind messing with them? Was that tone of voice really cold or angry, or just normal?

One told me it’s like having an inner person constantly gaslighting you.

@PlanDeRaccordement

I was misdiagnosed with BPD when younger so went through group DBT with people who have BPD. It was a very interesting and eye opening experience. So I have sympathy for both those fighting with BPD and their loved ones also living with the trauma it can cause.

I was several years later properly diagnosed with schizophrenia.

Ah right I see, that's so interesting! Glad to hear you were correctly diagnosed though and hope you get any help that you need (if needed of course!)

@PlanDeRaccordement can you be my mum and I's therapist please?!

The disconnect is between what happened how a normal person would see it versus how they see it because their perception is just distorted, strange and extreme due to the disorder at times.

This has been such an eye opener and makes so much sense. Thank you for this explanation as I never really realised this myself!

That does sound really tough and I can't imagine what that must be like. I do feel for my mum but as I hardly understand the condition and I'm always getting told I'm the disrespectful one. I just find it hard to get my point across

That sounds really hard.
Maybe you should step back and go low contact.
For the contact they you do have make sure it suits you. For short periods of time too.
I hope this doesn't sound like I'm blaming you, as I'm not, but as you can't really control what your mum does the only thing you can control is your reaction to it. Could you work on having a thicker skin? I hope that doesn't sound awful. Also when anyone contacts you to blame you have a prepared standard response of clearly saying NO that isn't the situation etc?

Aw, they shouldn’t be saying that to you. People with BPD often unintentionally badly hurt the ones they love because of their blind spot. They cause real trauma and you can’t know what they might take the wrong way, so it’s called walking on egg shells around them. They do drive people away as a result of the disorder and that then makes them afraid of abandonment or convinced eventually anyone they love will end up leaving them. So they can over compensate with love bombing and needy behaviour. Some are hyper vigilant to emotions and so just snapping once when tired can send them into crisis convinced you hate them and they are worthless. BPD has a spectrum with nine different symptoms and you only need 5 of the 9 to be diagnosed. So it’s mix and match and one person with BPD can be very different from another if they only have 1 symptom in common. You can look up the 9 on the DSM and probably tick off which ones apply to your mum. www.verywellmind.com/what-is-axis-ii-425200

It’s not nice for your mum, or for you. So they shouldn’t be minimising the damage happening to you either although it is good they are being very tolerant of your mum. I’ve never lived with anyone with BPD myself so can only imagine how hard it is for you.

Thank you for compliment, but I’m not a therapist! I just was part of a group getting DBT and I got to know several people with BPD as we went through the course.

I do agree with limited, controlled exposure and good boundaries as prior posters have said as you do need to protect your mental well-being as well as that of your DD. It’s a balance between not punishing your mum for a disorder she didn’t ask for or deserve, so you support her and stay in her life, but only to a degree such that you’re not also harming yourself.

@whatnumber

That sounds really hard. Maybe you should step back and go low contact. For the contact they you do have make sure it suits you. For short periods of time too. I hope this doesn't sound like I'm blaming you, as I'm not, but as you can't really control what your mum does the only thing you can control is your reaction to it. Could you work on having a thicker skin? I hope that doesn't sound awful. Also when anyone contacts you to blame you have a prepared standard response of clearly saying NO that isn't the situation etc?

Yeah I think low contact is for the best. No worries, it doesn't sound like you're blaming me at all! The thing is my mum will respond so bizarrely to the littlest comment that I make. I really try to ignore/hardly respond but she'll even start crying and saying why do I treat her like shit etc. It's all too difficult to deal with really.

Yep I've been doing that for years! I'll explain my side of the story and when they go back to my mum, she'll say I've purposely left out information and I'm manipulating everyone. It's all bullshit!

and you can’t know what they might take the wrong way, so it’s called walking on egg shells around them.

This is exactly how I feel! My whole teenage years up to now. Something that I can say to my mum on a Monday could be taken lightly/as a joke. I could say the same thing on Wednesday and all of a sudden I'm treating her like shit and I'm disrespectful etc?! So so difficult to be around.

Thank you for all the insight into BPD and the suggestions regarding keep a distance but also not punishing her for something she didn't ask for @PlanDeRaccordement
I'm very grateful for your comments